Journey of a Geriatric Infertile Lady

2011-12-22T00:14:00.003-06:00

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2011-12-22T00:14:00.001-06:00

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2011-10-17T21:36:00.001-05:00

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Due date

2011-08-07T23:08:00.001-05:00

Today was my precious Angel baby's due date. This whole week leading up to today has been a rough one. I feel so sad and yet I have tried to not let myself dwell on what could of been. I allowed myself time to cry for the child that was not meant to be but grieving alone is a hard thing to do. I had no pictures or really much of anything to document that pregnancy, only pregnancy tests and 2 things I bought to remember my angel by...... so there is nothing really to look back on to remember my angel by just the memory of knowing I carried him or her beneath my heart even for a short time.

I tried to prepare my husband yesterday for how I might feel today but he just shook his head and didn't say anything. Some how that makes it feel even worse knowing that the father of my child isn't mourning that child like I am. I know it has a lot to do with how long we actually knew we were expecting our angel. I also know that is probably a man thing even though that is not an excuse. No matter what that child was a part of both of us and I had hoped that he would at least share some of my feelings that I am feeling today.

I know today was the first true milestone since my miscarriage last december and that there will be more to come. I will always think of my Angel and miss my Angel on these days but I know he or she was just not meant for this earth.

Happy due date my Angel. Mommy wishes she could have welcomed you into this world today. I will always love you no matter what.

7 months seems like a lifetime

2011-07-21T12:19:00.001-05:00

7 months ago today I became the mommy of an Angel. It feels like it was such a long time ago and yet in the grand scheme of things I know it has only been a blink of an eye.

Even though I am expecting a little miracle I find myself thinking of what my life would be like right now. How big would my belly be? Would I be having a girl or boy? Would I be as anxious and worried as I am now during this pregnancy? What would it be like knowing that my child and my best friend' s child would be born so close together or even on the same day? I know I will never have answers to these questions and a million others just like it. I can never get my first child back. That child was not meant for earth. My heart aches and longs for that child even as I carry its little sister under my heart.

Mommy loves you and misses you my Angel! Watch over your little sister and send her safely to us!

Pregnancy Journey up to Week 20 Part 2

2011-06-01T17:46:00.000-05:00

April 4, 2011 - High Risk Appointment #1

Completed the 1st screen, to include measuring of the baby and blood work. Discussed all the testing with a Genetic Counselor including an Amnio. Told them we will do all the non-evasive testing but WILL NOT be doing an Amnio! The outcome would not sway us to do anything with the pregnancy.

Doc does not foresee any issues with pregnancy but since I am predisposed to Gestational Diabetes and Preeclampsia, they will be keeping a close eye on me. Also, because we have a niece that was born with two holes in her heart, as well as one of the meds I was on during the first trimester, the baby is at higher risk for having a heart defect. An in depth study of the heart will be done at next appointment. Results of the 1st screen will be back in a week. Baby's heart rate was 169bpm. Next appointment: June 6th, 8:30am

Not a great ultrasound pic but here is the little one at 12 weeks 5 days:

April 11, 2011: RESULTS OF 1ST SCREEN

Downs Syndrome: Starting risk based on age - 1 in 117 chance. Risk after testing - 1 in 1003 chance
Trisomy 13 and 18: Starting risk based on age - 1 in 215 chance. Risk after testing - 1 in 4300 chance

Next screening will be done at the June 6th appointment.

April 25, 2011: 16 week OB appointment

HR OB requested my cervix be checked by my regular OB to make sure there are no issues, based on my history not anything they saw. Cervix measured over 3mm...I think that is what he said. He said it looked great and he didn't see any issues. A recheck of the cervix will be done in 2 weeks.

The baby was very active during the ultrasound. It was moving around so much that the Nurse Midwife had a hard time catching up long enough to measure the heartbeat. After the little game of catch the heartbeat measured in at 164 Didn't find out if we are team pink or blue yet We have to wait until my next HR appointment on June 6th. Oh, and no new pics of my butterfly.

I have officially been taken off of Metformin until after my 2 hour Glucose tolerance test. I will do that in 2 weeks. Also did blood work to test for CF and Neural Tube defects.

May 10, 2011 OB visit for recheck of Cervix - 17w 6days

Saw a different provider for this visit. He was an actually Dr. not a NP/Midwife. He asked why my cervix had been checked the last visit and why I was there so soon after my last appointment. I let him know that my HR doc had requested a Cervical check. Told him that my NP/Midwife had said everything looked great when he checked two weeks ago but had me set up the recheck. Dr. said he wasn't going to recheck. Told me if I had bleeding, cramping or loss of fluid for me to call and then they would check again. He said he felt that there was no reason to "wand me" unless I was having trouble. He did do a quick ultrasound to check the baby's heartbeat and said everything looked great. HB was in the 150s.

He set my next OB appointment 3 weeks out, right before I go to my next HR appointment.

May 23, 2011: Unexpected ER Visit 19w5d

Went to the ER for fever, body aches and severe lower stomach/lower back pain. I spent several hours in the ER. To cover all bases they checked for early preeclampsia. All lab work came back great. Baby's heart rate was 174 They diagnosed me with a bad sinus infection however they sent me to Labor and Delivery as a precaution since I was having the pain in my lower back and abdomen.

I was taken very good care of in L&D. They found the baby's heart beat after a lot of searching...some of the nurses were in training Heart rate was 172 They hooked me up to the monitor to see if my pains were contractions. They determined I was not. The doc on call came in and did an u/s to check my cervix, which were fine and then they sent me home. They reassured me that since this is my first baby that it was most likely my round ligaments stretching and that it was absolutely normal.

Before I left L&D the head nurse came in and went over my instructions for going home. Mostly common sense stuff and things I already knew. She told me the baby was very active while they were checking the heart rate and even when they did the ultrasound you could see the baby's head and a hand just moving like crazy. She said it was very reassuring and for me to try to relax and try not worry too much about having to come up there.

I am feeling much better now. I have been resting a lot the past two days and haven't had much pain to speak of. They suggested I start wearing a support belt so I have one ordered

May 31, 2011: 2 hour Glucose Tolerance Test after being off Metformin for a month. Results on June 2nd at OB appointment.

Next OB appointment Thursday, June 2nd. Next HR OB appointment AND Gender Scan on Monday, June 6th!

So that is where we are now!

Pregnancy Journey up to Week 20 Part 1

2011-06-01T17:34:00.001-05:00

January 31, 2011: Conceived naturally after miscarriage in Dec. 2010 and 5 1/2 years of treatment with an RE.

February 1, 2011: confirmed with BETA 72.52. Started Progesterone supplements. POAS once again, just to make sure :-)

February 2, 2011: POAS a final time just because I couldn't believe it was real! The lines just kept getting darker!

February 3, 2011: 2nd BETA 163.57

February 7, 2011: 3rd BETA 1100

February 11, 2011: 4th BETA 3855

February 15, 2011: 5th BETA 12,068. Had first ultrasound and got to see our little butterfly but it was too early to be able to measure to find out how far along I was. Was actually 5w6d at this point.

February 23, 2011: 6th BETA 41,217. First OB appointment. Everything went great. Will be referred to Sacred Heart Hospital in Pensacola, FL to the High Risk Dr. Had another ultrasound. Finally able to measure baby.....7 weeks! Heart rate was 145bpm Official due date October 12, 2011

March 30, 2011: 12 weeks exactly. 2nd OB appointment. Baby measured in at 12 weeks 3 days. Heart rate was 171bpm. Baby was very active during the ultrasound. While showing us the top of the baby's head it kept moving side to side. When I asked if that was the baby moving the midwife said it was cause he had the ultrasound wand still. We got to see all the important stuff....the spine, the brain, the arms and hands and even a little foot!

How we ended up 21 weeks Pregnant

2011-06-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying that I never thought I would be writing a blog like this. I thought I was destined to be childless forever, or at least childless meaning "not of my body". One way or the other I always knew I would be a mommy, but I truly had started coming to the realization that it might be through adoption. So for this to truly be happening is surreal! So here goes Part 1 of how we ended up expecting again so quickly after our miscarriage....and I promise there will be no x-rated parts!

When I miscarried in December I was completely devastated. Not only was finding out I was pregnant a shock after so many years of trying with medical help but just as it was finally sinking in my worst fear came to be....I lost the child I was carrying, my first child. After the first few weeks of mourning and being sad I started looking for some support locally to help me through what I was feeling. DH did not understand what I was going through and even though I have friends that had experienced a loss I needed someone to talk to. In the course of trying to find a support group I was put in contact with someone from our base. There is a program for new parents and the nurses actually follow you through pregnancy and then up until your child is 3 years old. I was told that even though my pregnancy had ended that they were still there for me and the nurse made an appointment to come out to visit me in early January.

Nurse E was very caring and listened to my concerns about needing someone to talk to. She even gave me some information regarding Miscarriage that no one had even given me to that point except for the Family and Airman Readiness Center when I stopped in and they got me in contact with her. I explained to her that even the smallest bit of information about what was going on with my body would have been helpful weeks before when I was actually going through it all, physically. On my own I had ordered several books on dealing with miscarriage to help me through this time but there was something still missing. She suggested counseling or the support group that I was already looking for information on. Both things I had already thought of and was in the process of getting started.

Before she left Nurse E made a comment, and to this day I will forever be in her debt for telling me this. DISCLAIMER: Please do not take this as something that everyone should do, however based on my history she, as a nurse felt comfortable telling me this. Nurse E asked me how long the clinic told me we needed to wait before trying to conceive again. I told her that they had said we could resume relations after 2 or 3 weeks but needed to wait for at least 3 months before actively TTCing, so my body had time to heal. She then proceeded to share with me that based on how far along I was when I miscarried, my history of infertility issues and my age that we shouldn't wait the 3 months they told us to. She said that my body didn't have much healing to do because I wasn't very far along and that I would be most fertile right after my miscarriage. Even the information she gave me on miscarriage said the same thing.

When my DH came home I told him about the conversation with Nurse E. We talked about it and agreed that if it happened it was meant to be, if it didn't we would continue on as we had before, working with a fertility doc. In the coming weeks I started the process with the clinic to get our referral to the Fertility doc I wanted to work with in the area and my DH and I resumed physical relations, not preventing but not actively trying. I also started going to therapy.

At one of my therapy appointments at the end of January, I was discussing with my Counselor that I still had not had a cycle since my miscarriage approximately 6 weeks prior. We discussed how that made me feel and she suggested that I take a home pregnancy test and then call my doctor afterward and talk with them about what to do to get my cycles going again. This way at least I would know where I stood where my body was concerned. I went home totally not expecting a positive pregnancy test.

When I got home I POAS and then left it in the bathroom and went to do something else. I went back a little while later and got the shock of my life! There on the EPT was a very faint but very clear + sign! I started freaking out. I grabbed a digital and dipped it in and then began the agonizing wait to see what it would say. It confirmed what the first one had shown. I was pregnant! I called my mom in hysterics. After calming down some I tried to call my DH but he was in the classroom teaching and I couldn't reach him. I sent him a text and waited for him to call me back.

While I was waiting I went through all the possible reasons the tests could have come out positive. One was that the pregnancy hormone from the miscarriage was still lingering but I knew that wasn't right because I had done betas for 2 weeks after the miscarriage until it had gone down to zero. Then I started thinking about when we had "done it". Being the infertility guru that I am, I had kept up with everything for 5 1/2 years, especially when we BD'd even when we weren't doing a medicated cycle and of course this time I hadn't written a damn thing down! WHAT? I couldn't believe it! From my calculations however, if I was really pregnant I wasn't even what would be considered 14dpo. I was barely pregnant, if there really is such a thing!

After talking with my DH and the shock wore off...well kinda. We knew based on the previous pregnancy that I was going to have to go in immediately so that I could get put on Progesterone. So I called the clinic the next morning and I began the process of getting into see the OB at the big base. My mom drove over and went with me that day because DH was once again in the classroom and couldn't get out of it. I went and had the blood test done at the little base and then headed to the big base, which I knew would be the next step.

Once the pregnancy was confirmed I went to the OB clinic at the big base and began the paperwork. Boy was the one nurse surprised to see me so quickly. She said she felt like the test might be a false positive and that she thought it was just left over hormones from the miscarriage. I reminded her that I had tested down to zero on that. She agreed that yes I had. She filled me in on what I needed to do next. I requested that they check my progesterone and that in the mean time I would like a script for Progesterone. She went to talk to the doc about it. When she came back she told me that the Doc said they could have the results in 2 days and once it was back he would write the script if my blood work warranted it. I reminded her that my Progesterone was low last time and was what likely was the cause of my miscarriage. She said that two days wouldn't make a difference cause I was probably so early in the pregnancy. I felt at that point that if she didn't think 2 days would hurt that I could wait 2 days.

So I headed down to the lab, where they proceeded to tell me it would be a week to 10 days before they got the results. I knew at that point that I had to do something. Since I promised my DH I wouldn't do anything to get him in trouble, I decided to go to the patient advocate. I explained to the PA exactly why I was there to see her and that I was not leaving the clinic until I had a script. I told her I was not going to jeopardize my unborn child's life, yet again, just because they don't have my history in hand regarding my low progesterone, and that my miscarriage 6 weeks earlier and the results of the Progesterone test from then should be proof enough. She agreed and began the process of getting me what I needed. I left the clinic that day with a script in hand and even though I had a nurse really ticked off at me, I got what I needed regardless of others feelings.

As a backup plan however, I had called my infertility doc in B'ham and asked if they could help me out. The next day I received a call back that they were calling me in a script for Endometrin and that it would last through the first trimester. Thank God for them because if they hadn't come through I would have had to wait at the whim of the doc on base! At this point the next hurdle was determining exactly when I was due. Until they could determine that for sure they went of my miscarriage date.

The rest of the story to catch you up to week 21 is to follow in a timeline of sorts and info on all my doc appointments......including pics. Happy reading!

Catching up....with some very good news!

2011-05-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

Well, once again, time got away with me. I know that isn't an excuse but hey, life happens right? So I hope those of you who read my blog will forgive me for being a bad blogger yet again. I do have good news to share though. Part of my blogging decline was because of this reason. I just knew that I could not keep up blogging without spilling the beans!

After 5 years 5 months and our one Angel baby, I am happy to announce that WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!! Here is the big surprise though. As of tomorrow I will be 21 weeks along. Please don't send a lynch mob out after me for not sharing this sooner. I was going to announce at 13 weeks, but that week I had to go out of town and then when I got back to where I could blog and share my news, my friend's son, Caleb, passed away. It just didn't seem like the right time to share then so I was going to wait a couple weeks but that turned into 6....so here we are at 21 weeks and counting.

To catch everyone up I have been kinda "blogging" in private to keep up with everything. My plan is over the next couple of days to post these blogs so that everyone can see how things have been progressing with my pregnancy. I even have wonderful pictures to share!

So far I feel great! My due date is October 12, 2011. I am seeing a high risk doc because of my age....I was told at my first appointment that they no longer use the term "Geriatric", they instead use the term, "Advance Maternal Age". Well, either way, it means your OLD to be having a child! I might be old in the medical world for this, but I welcome everything I am experiencing! We find out on June 2nd what we are having...that is if the baby will cooperate. It is hard to believe that in a little over 4 months I will be a mommy! It is a long awaited dream come true!

Anyway, stop by tomorrow and I will share our "Pregnancy" story! Trusting in God's will has gotten us this far and man, did he really answer a prayer!!!

PRAYERS FOR CALEB

2011-04-12T16:09:00.001-05:00

I know I have been a terrible blogger these past two months, and I assure you I have an excellent reason, which I was going to share with you today. However there is something that takes precedence over that. A friend who I met on a wonderful site for women who have been TTCing for more than a year NEEDS EVERYONE'S PRAYERS!!!!

Karen has struggled with infertility for a long time, like many of us. She has endured several miscarriage, like a lot of us. She and her husband were finally blessed with a beautiful baby boy this past November via IVF. His name is Caleb. The family is in the process of moving from Australia back to Canada and Karen and Caleb went ahead to find a place to live.

Yesterday, she requested prayer for little Caleb who is only 4 1/2 months old. Apparently he stopped breathing and was rushed to the Children's Hospital where they are. He is on life support and it was determined that he has severe swelling on his brain. The doctors have said that there is nothing they can do to save this sweet little baby. Karen is waiting for her husband to fly from Australia to Canada to be with them before they take Caleb off of life support.

So I am asking that whoever is out there and reads this....PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS FAMILY!!! They endured so much to have this little miracle and they so need a BIG MIRACLE right now! The picture below is sweet little Caleb. There is also a link to the Facebook group that has been set up for Caleb and his family! Please join the group if you would like to. It is an open group so pass it along! Thanks for your thoughts and prayers! I know this family will appreciate them!

Little Caleb only 4 1/2 months old

Facebook link to PRAYERS FOR CALEB GROUP

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Sorry for the lateness of this update, but baby Caleb was pronouned brain dead shortly after this post. He now rests in the hands of our Lord and Savior. His daddy was able to make it to the hospital before they took him off lifesupport. The family also decided to give the gift of life to other children in need and donated his organs.....so Caleb lives on in the lives of the children he helped because of this tragedy. Please remember this family as they heal and find a way to move on with life after such a tragic and unthinkable loss. Thanks

Life as I know it....aka the past month!

2011-03-18T14:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry for being gone so long, but well, LIFE HAPPENS, right? Such is my life. I sometimes fill in as a sub at my friend's day care. Last month she had an employee leave and she needed me to work until she could hire someone new and get them trained, so that is where I have been! After working all day with babies or 3 and 4 year olds, I barely have enough energy to eat dinner, let alone get on the computer. On top of that I have been sick twice in the last month as well. Once with a stomach flu that I caught from one of the babies and now I am fighting to get over a really bad cold, which the docs thought was RSV for a little while.....
also caught from the babies :) Gotta just love daycare! So needless to say, I have been slacking on my blog, but that isn't the only thing! I started having FB withdrawals!!! Is that crazy or what? But I am back and hopefully will get back to a regular routine, if I ever even had one, of blogging.

The good thing about being so busy is that my mind hasn't been fixated on the loss of my Angel Baby. I think of my Angel just about everyday, but I don't obsess and lose myself in thoughts of the "what might have beens" as much anymore. Today though, I have been thinking of my Angel. I realized earlier this week that if I hadn't lost the baby, I would be almost 20 weeks right now. I might even have known by now if it was a boy or girl. But God must have needed my Angel more than I did. I try to think of the positives like, I know I was blessed to have had my Angel even for a short time. I know that I will have a child someday and most importantly, I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME!!! So I continue to have HOPE and FAITH!

I do have some exciting news I can share today. One of my oldest and dearest friends (we met on the 1st day of 1st grade) is 18 weeks pregnant. Much like me, she had trouble getting pregnant when they finally decided to start trying. A and her DH had not done as much as my DH and I had as far as ART treatments, but had begun getting all of their ducks in a row to move to ART treatments. I am so excited to follow my friend through her pregnancy and can't wait to be called "Aunt Tasha" !!! A bittersweet note....she and I would have been due 11 days apart if my Angel had not been called home to Heaven.

So that is a little of what has been going on with me while I was MIA. The weather here in Florida is beautiful right now and I hope to spend a lot of time outside here very soon. Plans for this weekend include getting my rose bush planted in Memory of our Angel! So lots to look forward to and enjoy this weekend. I hope everyone, where ever you are, enjoys the weekend that lies ahead!

Thankful Thursday...but on Friday instead

2011-02-04T12:41:00.000-06:00

I have been fighting a really bad headache for a couple of weeks now and had intended to post this yesterday. But since I wasn't home for much of the day and my head was about to explode, I'm going to do it today instead.

I am so Thankful that I was blessed with a little miracle, even if that miracle is now in Heaven. So today I give Thanks for my miracle!!! This week marked six weeks since my Angel baby grew wings. Most of the books I have read said to put a memory box together of things from the pregnancy and the time of the miscarriage. Things I DON'T have to put in this box are an ultrasound picture or a picture of me while expecting. Some of the books also suggested buying something for that pregnancy, something that would be for that child, even though that child isn't with you anymore. We will also be planting a rose bush soon in memory of the baby. As far as "naming" the child I lost, I did give my angel a name, Noel. I chose that name because I miscarried so close to Christmas. Would I have name this child that if I had carried him or her to term, probably not, but at least I have honored this child with a name. My DH doesn't know that I have done this...but for me I needed to do it.

Anyway, I have done what the books suggested. Here are a few things I do have in my little box of memories from my first pregnancy that gave me my Angel Baby.

A picture of my home pregnancy tests showing the happy news on Dec. 17th.

A picture of the "Thinking of You" flowers from my friend JoAnn and her hubby

This is the Angel Baby Healing Stone that I got from here . I actually won it from their FB page. It is a Miscarriage and Infant Loss Memorial Stone. I just love it.

Another picture of my Angel Memorial stone.

This is my Blessing Blanket that I got from here .The blanket is very small, just like the tiny blessing who grew wings. The blanket is the baby's gift to Mommy and Daddy to "hold on to, cry into, cling to.. to remember I am not alone - I am warm and safe and loved. It comes with a lovely poem.

Other than the pictures of the items above, I don't have much else to remember this pregnancy by. I have a couple of cards sent by friends and I copied some of the messages that were sent to me online. I have my appointment sheet from the clinic for when I should have had my appointments. And then I have the paperwork from the ER regarding the miscarriage. All the books say to keep these things, for healing purposes, so that is what I'm going to do. At least when I feel the need I can take the box out and remember my little blessing. And I can be Thankful for each thing I have to help me remember!

BLOG NAME CHANGE

2011-01-28T17:24:00.000-06:00

Ok....so I have been playing around with this for a while and I really do love my blog name, "A Journey is Worth a Thousand Words. Infertility and Life after 35!" However I see all these cute and witty blog names out there and think, " I can come up with something like that!" So from hence forth I will be called:

Journey of a Geriatric Infertile Lady

The reason I chose this name is because those of us who enter pregnancy after the age of 35 are considered to be "Geriatric Pregnancies" So that is how I came up with the name. Hope you guys like it...that is if I have anyone out there readying this :)

Dirty Dishes, Bad Moods and an ER Visit

2011-01-27T16:02:00.001-06:00

Dirty Dishes:

Is it just me, or does anyone else out there have a DH who loads the dishwasher and then thinks the kitchen is clean, even when the pots and pans are still dirty, the stove and counters needs to be wiped off? Who knows, maybe I have the only man out there that will actually attempt cleaning the kitchen. Here is my problem:

Why is it that when a man cleans the kitchen it is totally acceptable for him to just load the dishwasher and leave everything else, but when you clean the kitchen they expect you to do everything? Case in point, my DH. A few days ago he loaded the dishwasher but left all the pots and pans and a few other dishes. Don't him I said this, but the man knows how to pack a car but doesn't know the first thing about loading a dishwasher to get the maximum results! Anyway, he asked me if I would wash the pots and pans. At that point I had been nursing a headache for about 5 days but told him I would get around to it. Since I don't work I had all the next day to do it but had my therapy appointment and by the time I got home my head was hurting so bad I laid down and never got around to getting them washed. DH cooked dinner that night and added another pan to the stack on the stove and made no attempt to clean anything himself. Next day, I go to the doctor, get the results from my pregnancy blood work, have my emotional breakdown, feel like crap cause I still have this horrible headache which has been with me for a week now, and I don't get the dishes washed up. DH comes home, makes dinner, adds two more pots and a pan to the stack which has now spilled over to the counter beside the stove. Still he doesn't wash them.

At this point ALL of our pots and pans are dirty! Dishes in the dishwasher are clean but still sitting there and the sink is full of dirty dishes. Does he take it upon himself to help me out when I'm not feeling good and clean the kitchen? NO! Instead he gets pissed off at me and starts yelling at me about how I need to get up off the couch and clean the kitchen. So I tell him I would except my head feels like it is going to explode and I don't feel like doing it right then and before he comes home the next day it will be done. Then I said, "If you are so worried about the dishes getting washed why don't you do it yourself?" and he says, "Because you said you were going to do it and I already cleaned the kitchen this week." Umph! Well, la te da! So yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, the whole while moaning and groaning about him the whole time. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, washed all the pots and pans, and wiped down the stove and counters. Guess how long it took me? 30 minutes. My head felt like a time bomb waiting to explode but I did it and you know what? HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD ABOUT IT WHEN HE GOT HOME! Go figure!

So am I the only one in the world with a husband like this?

Bad Moods and ER Visit:

Now on to the bad mood and ER visit. So DH came home yesterday and informs me he is exhausted cause he only slept 3 hours the night before. Not my fault you stayed up late watching TV. What happened to the guy who used to say he could live on 4 or 5 hours sleep? Guess being over 40 now he can't do that! Anyway, we eat dinner and watch a little TV. Not once did DH ask how I was feeling or if my headache was better. It has slowly been getting worse all day long. In fact I had started having some dizziness and blurred vision with the sharp pains that I get every once in a while. So I'm sitting there and about 8:00pm I tell DH that I think I need to go to the ER cause this headache has gotten so intense that the meds aren't even taking the edge off anymore. He flips totally out. Starts yelling, "I can't believe it. You wait until now? I got 3 hours of sleep and you tell me now you want to go to the ER? I was about to go to bed? Unbelievable!" He storms off and I hear, "Well, let's go then" and a crash in the bedroom as something hits the wall.

I told him never mind, I would have my mom drive over and meet me at the hospital so he can sleep and he insists no, he will be the one to take me and stay with me. I told him if he was going to be in a pissy mood I would rather him stay home. Never once on the way to the ER did he ask what exactly was wrong, how I was feeling or if I needed anything. Where was my loving and attentive guy that was with me in the ER 5 weeks ago? Apparently, that guy was in a bad mood for a couple of reasons: #1 Because I was supposed to take our car in this week to have some work done on it before we hit our warranty mileage and it wasn't getting done in the time HE thought it should AND #2 He was going to miss one of his favorite TV shows (I just know this is one of the reasons he was upset!). I think him being tired was just an excuse!

We pulled into the hospital and he didn't even drop me off. He parked and made me walk up to the building, by myself none the less cause he was still so PO'd that he wouldn't walk beside me. I got checked in and we sat there waiting. He sat all closed off, not offering any type of comfort or show of concern for me at all. I kept asking if he wanted me to call my mom to come and he said no. Finally by the time I got called back into an actual room he had gotten better and was a little more concerned. After 4 hours, 1 CT Scan, 4 vials of blood, and 1 IV of good Pain meds later, they sent me home with a prescription FOR THE SAME MEDS THAT I ALREADY HAD THAT I TOLD THEM WEREN'T WORKING!!!!!!! I guess the good thing is that my CT Scan and blood work all came back fine. Bad news is...I STILL HAVE A HEADACHE :(

On a better note, the DH was in a better mood and really took care of me when we got home from the hospital. Gave me my meds and got me in bed.....he even went and got the car and picked me up at the door when we left the hospital! He told me not to worry about the car, that we would get it taken in at some point. He even turned off my alarm this morning so I could sleep as long as I needed to. Note...he never apologized, but saying what he did was his way of apologizing.

International Babylost Mother's Day and Father's Day

2011-01-27T15:09:00.000-06:00

For those of us who are on the TTC journey and have had a pregnancy loss and don't already have children, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be especially hard. We know that we are parents in our hearts but sometimes the world doesn't recognize that because there are no tangible children there. So yesterday while searching the web and looking at blogs...and I'm still not really sure how I came across it, maybe on Facebook...I came across this site and it's sister or should I say "brother" site. I think it is a great idea and one that should be passed along in the ALI world....I think I got that abbreviation right :D Anyway, pass this along to as many people as you know. This year's International Babylost Mother's Day is May 1st. Let's see if we can start a movement!!!! Websites are below and the buttons can be found on the right of my blog.

International Babylost Mother's Day

International Babylost Father's Day

Got my answers, sort of and not happy!

2011-01-25T17:19:00.001-06:00

So I went to my doctors appointment this morning. Right now I am sitting home alone trying to find some peace with what I was told. Up until a few minutes ago I was sitting in total quiet. Even the tick tock of my cuckoo clock was too loud. Now I sit listening to classical music, hoping it will calm the anger and sadness in me right now. Doctors and Nurses are supposed to help you, right? That is what they are there for, right? So why, when some tells them something about themselves do they choose to ignore it?

On December 17th, the day I found out I was pregnant and checked into the clinic at the "Big" base here in Florida...we have 2 in the city I am in...I told them my history with infertility, about all the procedures I had done in the past, all the meds I had taken to TTC, and also told them that with EVERY PROCEDURE I HAD TO HAVE PROMETRIUM BECAUSE MY PROGESTERONE WAS LOW!!!!! Did they care? Apparently not! They didn't know me from adam that day. I had never been in their precious little clinic before. Did I happen to mention, that I interrupted their Christmas Party....which they forgot to tell the "Little" base about so they wouldn't send patients over? The only reason I even now know what the level was the day I found out I was pregnant is because I REQUESTED they check my progesterone level because I had a history of LOW PROGESTERONE, they weren't going to check it as part of the routine beginning pregnancy lab work. I even asked for a prescription because I knew it would be low, but the nurse told me it would take a week for the results to come back and that if the doc saw a problem with the result he would call a script in then. Well guess what? I never even made it to the end of that week, cause I miscarried.

Today when I went in to see my doc I asked her to look up the results of my pregnancy blood work and guess what.....I WAS RIGHT! My progesterone level at 6 weeks 5 days gestation was 3.7. Yep...you read that right. IT WAS TOO LOW!!!!! Levels for the 1st Trimester should be between 9 - 47. My old RE's magic # was 20. Those incompetent hacks at the "Big" base COULD have helped prevent my miscarriage. I know that it wouldn't have been a sure thing that it would have saved the pregnancy but there was a chance that by having the Prometrium that I might not have miscarried! UGGGG!!! I feel so helpless and ANGRY!! I wish I could go bash all their heads in and make them hurt as much as I do! I know that isn't very Christian like to say, but it is how I feel.

My RH blood work came back as I expected, well part of it anyway. I am B negative blood type, which I already knew. It also came back NEGATIVE for antibodies, which doesn't mean that I haven't had a miscarriage before, it just means I never built up an antibodies. But I am covered for next time cause I got the shot of Rhogam.

Next I asked my doc about referring me to a local RE. I had all his information written out to give to her so she would have it. She then tells me that she can't give me a referral for that without sending me to the "Big" base first. The "BIG BASE" has to do a COMPLETE INFERTILITY WORKUP BEFORE THEY WILL SEND ME ANYWHERE! Even if I had just completed a cycle with a doc in our last city and then came straight here and asked for a referral! Is that stupid or what? Then once you get referred the RE is going to want to do all the same tests again! I just hope they don't do another HSG because I don't react well to those! So now I basically have to go back to the screw ups at the "Big" base and tolerate whatever they put me through just to get seen by a REAL REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST! Have a said how much I really HATE this? I HATE, HATE, HATE IT!!!! This is really going to test my Faith in God. I know he will truly have to TEACH me PATIENCE during this!

So now I have to get copies of my records from my RE in B'ham, have another pelvic ultrasound, the DH has to have another SA (which he is going to love) and THEN when all of that is done my PCM will make the referral to the "Big" base. Don't know what they will do, but I know what I have done. I already made an appointment with the RE I want to see. Everything I have been told about him is GREAT!!! His first available appointment was March 30th!!! How crazy is that!? So I am going to walk in there an tell them, I have an appointment with Dr. X on X day and I want my referral now because I refuse to be treated by incompetent people who don't know how to treat someone with PCOS, history of infertility and history of Low Progesterone! Think that will get there attention? If that doesn't I'm going to the commander of the hospital. Watch and see if I don't!

So I held myself together after my Dr. appointment and getting my prescriptions and referral for the ultrasound....I don't have a pinched nerve by the way, she thinks it is tension related, hmmm, who would have guess. I got to my car and I totally lost it. I was crying uncontrollable. I know if anyone saw me they probably thought I was insane. I was going to call my DH but remembered he was teaching a class this morning and wouldn't be where I could reach him. It was close to his lunch time though so I sent him an email and waited for him to call me back. It seemed like forever. Finally I tried calling him and got him. Then I broke down again! By the time he got to me my sadness had turned to a combination of grief and anger all rolled into one. One hug and I felt much better...not over it, just better. We talked about everything that was said at my Dr. appointment and we processed it all or as much as we could during a lunch break. I guess the main thing for us to focus on is that at least we somewhat have an answer as to why we lost our baby. It is better than not knowing anything.

So that is my news today. I have more to share, like about my first Therapy appointment yesterday, but I'll do it later. So more to come soon.

Hoping for some answers

2011-01-25T08:53:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm heading off to see my PCM this morning...in Military talk that is my Primary doctor on base. I am going in really because I think I have a pinched nerve in my neck. I have had a headache for a week and then funny pain when I bend down or strain my neck at all. Anyway, I figured while I was there I might as well ask her about my Pregnancy blood work since I never was given the results of it because I miscarried before my 1st OB appointment.

I want to know what my Progesterone level was and what the RH blood work showed. These two will really give me the answers I am looking for. They will tell me #1: Was I ever pregnant before and didn't know it so the RH factor played a role in the Miscarriage and #2: (and please excuse my language here) Did those dumb ass people at the clinic blow me off when Progesterone would have possibly saved my child!

So hopefully I will find some answers and a little peace today. I will post later what I find out.

History of Infertility's Common Thread

2011-01-24T20:21:00.000-06:00

I want to share a link tonight that I found on LFCA...a blog that I found after all this time that unites all of us in the Infertility, Adoption and Pregnancy Loss community. Follow the link below and read the story. I will be wearing my thread.....will you?
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html

One Month Ago Today....

2011-01-21T23:09:00.000-06:00

.....I became the Mommy of an Angel. Our Angel Baby was with us for 7 weeks and 2 days. In the past month I have spent much time searching for the "whys" it happened and blamed myself for many things. Is it possible that I could have prevented what happened? What if I hadn't been sick with a cold and been taking medication to get over it? What if I had tested earlier and had known longer I was pregnant? What if I had insisted more strongly that they do an ultrasound that very first day? What if it hadn't taken the clinic a week to get my Progesterone test back and I had already been on Progesterone, would that have made a difference? What if.... I know everyone who has miscarried has these what if questions...but I am just having a hard time moving past this blame and all the what ifs. I pray everyday for the Lord to help me through this and to take this doubting and blame away from me. I know it will get better, I have HOPE and FAITH that it will!

To my Angel.....Mommy loves you and misses you everyday!

The Lord's loving kindness indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is thy Faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I have hope in Him." (Lam. 3:22-24)

1st Should Have Been

2011-01-07T11:28:00.000-06:00

Today should have been my first OB appointment. I should have seen my baby for the first time today, heard or seen his or her little heartbeat. I really hadn't thought about it until someone I grew up with posted her sonogram picture this morning on Facebook announcing that she and her husband are expecting their second child. The realization that I will never get that "picture" of my child that I lost really hit me. Why didn't the nurse listen to me that very first day and just do a ultrasound!?!?!?!? At least I would have a picture...even if it was just a gestational sac and you couldn't really see anything! I HATE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TANGIBLE THAT SAYS YES I WAS PREGNANT!!! A Picture would have made it tangible and real! Maybe my DH would have considered it more real then, a "baby", if he had seen it. I will never have that though. But today would have been the day I would have had that. The first picture of my first child.

Insomnia, Comfort Food and Comforting Words

2011-01-07T01:34:00.000-06:00

As I sit here and type, Thursday has turned into Friday. I have spent the better part of 3 days sleeping. Monday, the only reason I got out of bed was because my DH was being promoted to MSgt and I went to his promotion ceremony. On Tuesday my mom was supposed to come and help me take down the Christmas decorations but I just wasn't up for company or putting everything away yet, so I called and told her not to come, plus I had a splitting headache. Other than going out to the bank real quick to make a deposit, I stayed in bed pretty much all day that day, all day Wednesday, and all day today. I didn't realize until about 4:30 today that I had anything to eat or drink all day. Good thing DH was bring dinner home with him! Anyway, all this sleeping is probably why now, after midnight I am up and can't get to sleep.

When I haven't been sleeping I have been reading my books that I ordered about Miscarriage and dealing with the grief of miscarriage. Of the 6 books, I have read 4 of them. I have started doing the devotionals in the 5th one and the 6th book came in the mail today. So far, each of them have given me information that is helpful and they give me hope in moving past the grief that I am feeling over the loss of my baby. I didn't realize it until today, but the past 3 days are the first days I have been alone since my miscarriage. My DSS was here when it all happened and we were busy with him and Christmas so there was never a real "time" for me to grieve the loss of my child. So here two weeks after the fact I think I am finally grieving in the way I probably would have that very first week if it had not been Christmas week and my DSS had not been here.

So back to my DH bringing me dinner tonight. Whenever I don't feel good or I'm down, the one thing I enjoy eating the most is a Chicken Pot Pie from KFC. I know that might sound weird but it is comfort food in the best form! To me anyway. Well, Wednesday night he went to get me one and the girl told him they had been discontinued. WHAT? DISCONTINUED?? You can't discontinue the Pot pie!!! That is UnAmerican! Anyway, so he brought me something else home to eat Wednesday night. He looked up KFC and we called the one that is on his way home from work and asked if they still had them and they said YES!!! So tonight he stopped and brought me a Pot pie! He really does love me :) As a friend of mine on Facebook so eloquently put it..."Chicken Pot Pie for the Soul" instead of Chicken Soup for the Soul!

When we found out we were pregnant, we told a couple of close friends and a family member, but everyone else was to find out on Christmas. That was supposed to be a wonderful and Joyous day for us to celebrate our great and long awaited news with everyone, even though it would have been early into the pregnancy. One of the people we were going to be telling at Christmas was one of my dearest and closest friends "J". J and I have been friends since 7th grade. She was my Matron of Honor when DH and I got married. Several years ago she was in a car accident and she is now a quadriplegic. She was expecting her first child at the time of her accident. She carried her DS for two more months before giving birth to him early. He lived a few short hours before leaving this world and going to Heaven. So J knows what it is to loose a child. I wanted to tell her in person about the baby, but due to me being sick around Christmas and then with me miscarrying I never got to tell her I was expecting and then I never got to tell her that my little one has joined her DS in Heaven. Today I got a card from her in the mail....Her mother and sisters help her with sending things to people since she is unable to write :) It was a wonderful card. She said that her stepfather has seen my Facebook page and read about our news and that she was so very sorry, that her heart hurt for us because she knows the pain of the loss that I am experiencing. I was so worried about how to tell her or if I should tell her about our Angel baby at all and now I don't have to worry cause she already knows. She took the time to let me know that she loves me and is thinking about me and praying for me during this time. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve a friend such as J. She is a blessing and I thank God for everyday for her!

Lots of Reading to do

2011-01-03T17:32:00.000-06:00

About a week ago, my DH and I went to a local bookstore so that I could look for a book on Miscarriage and Grief. I thought if I had a book to read on the subject, it would help me work through the pain and grief that I feel over losing this baby. So we went to a "major" bookstore. I checked the parenting section. All the books in the world about how to get pregnant, pregnancy and after pregnancy but nothing for miscarriage. Go to the section on Grief, nothing specific for loss of a child. Every section I could think of to look in there was NOTHING! Nada...zip. The girl working customer service looked up "miscarriage" and said "Well, it says we should have one here." She goes to find it but it isn't there. Then she say, "Do you want to look at the titles and see which one you want us to order for you?" I'm thinking to myself, "No, what I really want is to walk out of here and be able to read something but that isn't going to happen." I thanked her and DH and I proceeded to the next place we thought we could find one...the "Christian Store".

In Pensacola there are two different Christian store chains, we went to the most "known" one first. There again we hit a brick wall...nothing available but they could order me something. At this point I'm thinking, but not saying, I CAN ORDER MY OWN BOOKS PEOPLE!!! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF AMAZON???? So we go to the second Christian store and once again we find nothing. However there, the lady was very nice and seemed to understand what I was going through. She apologized for not having anything available and suggested I go to the other two stores we had already been to. I told her we had already checked there. Instead of saying, "we can order something for you", she said, "Well, I'm sure if you go to Amazon.com you could find something and there you can read about each book and decide which one is best for you. If I order something for you here we will only know what the name of it is and it might not be what you are looking for and it would take a couple weeks to get it in. Amazon would be faster for you." I thanked her and she said she hoped I found what I was looking for. Then we left.

I ordered several books off of Amazon later that day. I actually got two of them before New Years Eve so I have been reading them for several days. Today I got three more in, including the devotional that is specific for people who have gone through miscarriage or the loss of a child. I even found one that is geared specifically toward women who deal with Infertility AND Miscarriage. So I am very eager to read that book. I guess the old saying that Knowledge is Power is true. Through these books I hope that I can begin to heal and find some peace and understanding as to why I had to experience this miscarriage. I may never know, but at least I can begin to help myself move past the grief. I am hoping that my DH will read some of these as well. I am not sure exactly how he is feeling in all of this because he doesn't share his feelings very easily. But I am hoping that we can at least do the devotional book together and that way we experience some healing together, since this baby was our first child together.

After I read all the books I'll post my thoughts on them and all the details on each. It should be interesting to get through them all but I know I can do it!

A New Year....Better things to come?

2011-01-02T23:36:00.001-06:00

Even though 2010 ended the way it did for me, I have many things to be Thankful for that happened in 2010. I got to spend time with an old friend battling breast cancer before she passed away, I renewed old friendships and made new ones on my High School reunion committee, I moved closer to my family, I bought a new house, I saw old friends here in Florida that I haven't seen in 12 years and for a few beautiful weeks I carried a miracle within me.

For 2011 I am going to try to start the year with a positive attitude. But unfortunately I am not off to a great start. January 1st we had to take my DSS back to his mom. He was originally supposed to be with us through today but his mom called Thursday and said she felt, "considering the situation here" he should come home early so he could have some "normalcy" in his routine before going back to school tomorrow. He is 15 not 5....he doesn't need time to get back into any routine! Apparently, my behavior and reaction to my miscarriage had affected B enough that he had said something to his mom about me and she didn't feel the atmosphere here was "normal" so she wanted him home. So my DH got 2 less days with his son during Christmas Vacation because of the ex-wife. I just want to SCREAM AND YELL at her but I can't. Then when we got to the meeting spot I spoke to her and she never even acknowledged me. I know you shouldn't say you hate someone but I really HATE HER!!! I hate her actions towards my DH, I hate her actions towards her actions towards me and sometimes I hate the way she treats her son.

So after dropping off my DSS; my DH and I, along with my Great-Nephew L(who had spent several days with us), went to my mom and dad's house for lunch and a day of football! I LOVE FOOTBALL! Anyway, L's dad, my Nephew, was there waiting for us. We had a great day! Then later that evening a friend of mine came over with her hubby, daughter, mom and dad. The visit was going great....a lot of catching up. Somehow the conversation turned to the night my friend's daughter was born. Any other time hearing this story wouldn't have bothered me, but last night, was just not the night to hear it. So I sat and endured hearing about her birth, then about my sister giving birth, about my own mother's story of going into labor with me and even my DH chimed in about his cousin giving birth to her first child. COULD IT GET ANY WORSE????? I was sitting there the whole time with my head down trying to contain myself and control the urge to scream at everyone to just SHUT UP! My DH sat there, close to me, stroking my hair the whole time, trying to give me some comfort and support.

I have never been so happy in my life when that conversation ended. Like I said, any other time that whole conversation wouldn't have been hard to listen to but I am less than two weeks out from having my miscarriage, which everyone in that room knew about. Did it ever occur to anyone of my loved ones that I might not want to hear this? I know it was not talked about on purpose or to be hurtful, they probably never even thought about it, but it HURT to have to sit and listen to all of it. All I could think about was that I was not going to get to share a story like that about this baby that I lost. The only story I have to share about the "birth" of this baby is that I miscarried it and passed the "fetal tissue" sitting on a toilet and had to say a prayer and flush it down the toilet....all by myself. I know that is graphic, but that is how I had to welcome and say good-bye to my baby. Great story, huh? Wonder how people would feel if I shared that story?

On the way home I asked my hubby if he thought anyone even thought twice about what they were talking about in front of me. He said they probably didn't realize it would bother me and wouldn't have done it if they had realized that it would. I guess I will come across other times when this will happen but also, as time goes by it won't be hard for me to hear stories like that. Just right now, my heart is still tender. I'm missing that little life that was growing inside of me and don't know what to do with the pain I feel. So I will continue to blog how I feel. At least I have this as an outlet, a diary of sorts. So I will continue to blog about my experience and feelings and hope that, one day at a time I will heal. And 2011 will get better and better. Each day will better, I just know it.

Results from the lab...It is offical

2010-12-31T01:12:00.000-06:00

So I called this morning to get the result from my lab work I had done yesterday. My HCG levels, as the nurse put it, "Dropped like a rock". It was 368 last week (or something like that...can't remember, I have slept since then) and yesterday it was a whopping 3.15! Since the goal is for that number to be below 5 then we have reached that goal. So the nurse said I officially don't have the pregnancy hormone left in me. I asked if I needed to be seen by a doc or what were the chances of having to have a DNC and she told me based on the numbers that it looks like I have passed everything, that there is nothing of the baby left and if there this my body will just absorb it. I don't have to go in for a physical exam and no more blood work. I am done with them for now. They will cancel my OB orientation and my first OB appointment that I had scheduled and she said she hoped to see me again soon and wished us luck. And that was that. I am "officially" no longer a Mommy-to-be.

I just find it crazy that I don't have to do anything else, and here just a little over a week after miscarrying my child there is nothing left of that horrible experience even happening because I am no longer even bleeding. It is like I just had a long cycle. Except for my positive home pregnancy tests and they memory of the few days I knew I was pregnant, there is nothing left of this pregnancy. Like it never happened. If I had never tested two weeks ago I would have just thought I was having a really bad cycle that was lasting a while.

I have had a couple of cycles in the past that were very similar to this "miscarriage" so it makes me wonder if I have miscarried before and never knew it. I didn't always test because after a while you really get tired of POAS and seeing a BFN! So most of the time when a cycle ran long I didn't think anything of it. But now I wonder. I guess I will never know. The main thing is we can start trying again in two months, which seems like forever to me since I am 38 and have been trying for so long with no results until now. It makes me want to rebel and try sooner, but I will try to be a good girl and follow directions. Guess we will need to go and invest in some "protection". Yippee!

My Joys and Sorrows Part 2

2010-12-30T00:59:00.001-06:00

So December 17th was the happiest day of my life to date...or should have been. I finally had a little miracle nestled in my body, peacefully growing. DH and I decided that we would tell our family on Christmas Day about our little surprise and we decided how we were going to do it. For my mom I found a candle holder that said Grandmother, for my dad we got a bib that said "I love Grandpa" and for my DSS we were going to get a t-shirt airbrushed that said "I'm The Big Brother"....kinda hard to find an adult extra large that says that. For my in-laws we were thinking of ways to call them and tell them. The weekend went fine and come Monday I went back to work at the daycare where I sub some. Monday night I started having some light brown spotting, with a few little flecks of red, but it wasn't heavy and I wasn't cramping. Everything I read said that this was normal in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

Tuesday, December 21st, I was still spotting some so I called the nurse and she said it was normal but to try to take it easy. I told my boss and I took it easy the rest of the day. Sat as much as I could, didn't lift anything or any kids. I did as little as possible. I left work and by the time I got home to my mom and dads...where I was staying....the spotting was worse and I was starting to cramp some. My DH was already on his way over so we could tell my parents and his son. Then we were going to call the doc and see what we needed to do.

We got to my parent's house at the same time. We went in and gave my mom and dad and my DSS their "early Christmas gifts". This was not how I wanted to tell them...I wanted to tell them on Christmas day and let them know that everything was fine. My dad was the first one to figure it out I think. It took my mom seeing the bib to actually register what her gift meant and my DSS just grinned cause he is 15 and has wanted this for the last 7 years. After the excitement of the news we had to let them know that they didn't need to be too excited because I was spotting and cramping and that is why we went ahead and told them cause I might have to go to the ER.

I then called the on call doc and the nurse practitioner on duty told me to go on into the ER due to my history of infertility. Before we left the house I was actually starting to bleed, not just spot, but it still wasn't bad. They checked me in pretty quickly. The nurses and the doc were really nice. They listened as we explained our history of infertility and how we got to this miraculous pregnancy. We also talked about the RH factor and how my DH and I are opposite blood types and how I have wondered about a couple of my cycles in the past and how I thought maybe they had been miscarriages but they were never confirmed. I got sent off for an ultrasound, which was painfully and made me bleed more cause it irritated my cervix....but I also think it helped bring on the miscarriage also, if that makes sense. Before the ultrasound I wasn't cramping much at all and bleeding very little and after it all went down hill. Anyway, they came and took blood, gave me a pain pill and I just waited on the doc to come back. He came back and told me basically what in my heart I already knew. There was no sac visible in the ultrasound which meant I was either not as far along as I thought I was or it was a non-viable pregnancy. My HCG numbers were really low for where they should have been at 7w2d also, they were at 3 week levels. So he gave me the option of being admitted or going home and checking with my doc the next day and having my HCG checked again. He also gave me the option of getting my shot of Rhogam that night or waiting until I saw my doc. I told him we would just go home and follow up with my doc the next day on both accounts.

When I got up to get dressed I was bleeding heavily and I knew it was over. The nurse got me a pad and I went in the bathroom across the hall and cleaned up and got dressed. I didn't cry until I got back to the room with DH. I told him it was over for sure, I just knew it was. As we were leaving the hospital I saw someone I have known since childhood out in the waiting room. She was someone I never expected to see there, but was an odd source of comfort at that very moment. She asked what was wrong and I told her. She hugged me and told me it would be ok and that she would pray for me. She let me cry on her shoulder and that meant more than she will ever know.

We drove back to my mom and dad's house. The whole way I felt numb. When we got back there we got ready to bring me back home. I went to the bathroom before leaving and realized that I had passed a large mass of tissue. I don't know how else to describe it and I'm sorry if that is too graphic for anyone reading this. It wasn't a clot. All I could do was look at it and think, "Is this my baby that I'm about to flush down the toilet?". I got so upset, but with my parents and stepson in the next room I couldn't do what I wanted to do that was scream! I tried to get DH to look and see what he thought but he wouldn't look, so I said a prayer and that was that. I flushed my child down the toilet like you flush a dead fish....or at least that is how I feel about it! I HATE THAT I HAD TO DO THAT!!!!!! I'm SAD that I had to do that! It breaks my heart.

Anyway, the next day I went into see the nurse. They rechecked my HCG level, it had gone down to 368 from 1170 the night before, and they gave me the shot of Rhogam to help in case there was any blood exchange with this pregnancy. I have to go back once a week until my HCG level is below 5. They didn't say anything about a DNC or how long I would bleed or how long it would take for my body to complete the miscarriage. I feel a little lost and uneducated where that is concerned. They also didn't tell me if I need to have an exam a few weeks after the miscarriage but things I have read online say that I should. So I have lots to ask tomorrow when I talk to the nurse. I went today for my follow-up HCG but will find out the result tomorrow.

Emotionally I am doing ok. I will heal but it will take time. I have to mourn and grieve for my child, because even though I only knew about him or her for a few days it was still a part of me and my DH. Christmas was hard for me because it was supposed to be such a day of happiness when we shared our little miracle with all of our family and friends that have been on this Infertility Journey with us. Everyone keeps telling me to look at the bright side, at least I know I can get pregnant now. I know that is a positive, but it doesn't give me my baby back.

My Joys and Sorrows Part 1

2010-12-28T02:19:00.002-06:00

I am going to have to do this in a couple of parts because I know I will never be able to catch up all my thoughts and my goings on in one sit down and blog session. Too much has happened, so I'll do what I can tonight and then do the rest tomorrow...or should I say, later today.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving my DH and I closed on our first home and one week before Thanksgiving moved in. With the help of my wonderful mother I was able to host a small group of people from DH's class on base for Thanksgiving, since they didn't have anywhere else to go. I was happy to help and enjoyed the day immensely! Slowly but surely our house is coming together and we are settling in. Finally I am feeling settled and I feel like I am "Home".

During this time however I have really dreaded the end of the year. Thanksgiving means that Christmas is not far behind and then the New year which means another year has started with me not being a mother. My self imposed pity party started fairly early....reference my two previous posts. I just dread the end of the year because I look back and think, "What have I accomplished? NOTHING!"

With the end of this year came not only my self pity and depressing thoughts of how I wasn't a mother yet, but two baby showers....one of which I found out at the last minute wasn't just for one person, but was for 3 people! Yep, 3 pregnant people at the same time and I was expected to go and put on a happy face and enjoy myself! Oh and did I mention that I was supposed to make the cake for this baby shower? I volunteered to make the cake when it was supposed to be for just the one person I knew, then they threw in the other 2 people and didn't even bother to offer to pay me for the cake....hmmm, how rude! This was preceded by a shower for a close friend of mine who told me last May that they were thinking about trying to get pregnant again and she got pregnant the first time out. I love her to death but envy her more than she will ever know. I just couldn't go to her shower either, no matter how hard I tried. My heart and mind couldn't stand up to the task or the test of going. I felt very guilty but I had to do it as a self preservation tactic.

In the midst of all this I continued to think of how depressing it was that another Christmas was coming and I wasn't expecting or I didn't have a child. My DH and I actually started talking about looking into Foster care and adoption after the first of the year. I had even found a little girl who is 6 who needs a home that we were considering fostering and/or adopting possibly.

But then on December 17th we got thrown a curve ball. For a couple of weeks I had been thinking my cycle was going to start. My breasts had been a little tender and I had spotted some, but AF never showed. Something just told me to POAS so I did and SURPRISE! I got a BFP!!! The first one I have ever gotten!! I was in total shock. The plus sign popped up very quickly. I stared at it in disbelief! I thought to myself...I have a digital. Gotta get the digital. So I got up, got it and tested again. That was the longest 30 seconds of my life but the word I longed to see show up did, "Pregnant". I broke out into hysterics. My DH thought I was having a panic attack and rushed into the bathroom. I just shoved both tests in his face. He looks at them and says, "Well, how did that happen?" LOL How did it happen? Really? That is all you can ask? We have not worked with a doc since February or March really and it happens naturally when we least expect it. Next thing DH says is, "Well, I guess you really have to get a job now." Not what you really want to hear after trying to get pregnant for 5 years. If I could have killed him right then and there I would have. That hurt me more than he will ever know. The total joy of the moment left me and I felt sadness that I was carrying this child inside me. HOW COULD I BE SAD?????? BUT I WAS!!! AND I FELT HORRIBLE ALL BECAUSE OF MY INSENSITIVE HUSBAND!!!!! What the hell was I supposed to feel now?!

I called the clinic and found out what I was supposed to do, then I called my cousin because I needed to talk to someone. The rest of the day was surreal and happened almost in slow motion. It should have been a day of joy and happiness yet I couldn't be happy because all I could think about was what my DH had said about me getting a job. We eventually talked about it and he apologized for saying what he did but the damage was already done. Can't take back the moment of finding out you are expecting your first child and how you react to it. wish you could but you can't. Anyway, we managed to find some happiness and we were cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy after it was confirmed and we were given the EDD of Aug. 7, 2011. However our joy was short lived.....

Another Song to lend us all Faith and Strength

2010-11-10T21:30:00.000-06:00

Ok...so I'm still finding it hard to put my feelings into words here recently so here is another video that I lift up as a Prayer for those of us who are waiting for God to send us our little Miracles!

Feelings beyond my own words....

2010-11-05T18:59:00.000-05:00

If you have read my last few posts you will know that I have been struggling lately. My faith is not strong right now. I am trying to find strength in God who I know has a plan and a purpose. I am trying to KEEP MY HOPE in HIM! But some days it is just hard to do, so today I offer up this prayer for me and all who, like me are waiting:

Where is Time Going and When Will it be My TIme?

2010-11-03T22:18:00.000-05:00

So this past July I had my 20th High School Class Reunion. There are several of us in my class who do not have children yet. However, having only been out of school 20 years, we also already have classmates who are Grandparents! Which brings me to what I am writing about tonight.

I saw on Facebook tonight where another of my classmates is going to be a grandmother as of today. 3 hours ago she was still at the hospital waiting for news of the birth of her grandson. This wouldn't have bothered me much except that she and I were born 3 days apart. Her and her mother were released from the hospital the afternoon on the day I was born, so technically she and I were in the nursery together for a few short hours. I know this may sound weird but it just makes me feel like I am totally missing out on something here. She is the same age as I and her child is already making her a grandmother. Now granted we are only 38, and I think her daughter is only 18 but still....I just can't seem to wrap my head around the thought that If I have a child, it will be younger than the grandchild of my classmate who is the same age! Why am I made to wait to be a mom when others around me are becoming grandmothers? Why am I made to wait to be a mom when there are others around me who don't take care of the kids they have or really want the kids they have, yet they keep having them?!?!?! I just want to know why? When will it be MY TIME?

UGG...I just hate all this waiting and not knowing. I have just really been having some bad days lately. AF decided to finally show. I was starting to get a little hopeful since I was a week late but I think stress is what caused that delay. I have been in so much pain the past couple of days. My cramps are getting so much worse with my cycles. I have never had this much trouble before. I am definitely going to say something to the doc next time I go in. I'm thinking that maybe they need to check me for Endo, since that has never been done. I just can't wait to finally get into my new doc so we can get started with everything again. We have to or I am going to go insane...really!

Anyway, still plugging along with my healthy eating. Haven't been walking this week due to the weather but I'm packing up the house getting ready for our move into our new house so that has to count for something. Just as long as the scale shows a difference that is all that matters.

Feeling a bit out of sorts....

2010-10-31T02:12:00.000-05:00

I will start off on a positive note, I have lost 5 pounds towards my first 35 pound goal! And I completed the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk today in Memory of my friend Robyn and in honor of several others who have battled this horrible disease. 3 miles of walking and I didn't sit down once, which was an accomplishment for me, cause I'm a big girl :) I did good!

So the closer to the end of the year the more down in the dumps I get. Here it is the early morning of Halloween and where am I in my infertility journey? About 100 steps behind where I was a year ago! Or so it seems. First the wreck and then the move. I swore to myself I would not go another Christmas without being a mommy and here it is sneaking up on me and do I have a child to buy for, nope.

What is the point? Sometimes I so want to just throw in the towel and say I give up, I'm done. But then I remember how badly I want a child and I just can't give up yet. My desire to be a mom is so great I just don't know what to do with this energy that I have bottled up inside of me! I have no outlet for it! Right now I am packing and getting ready for our move into the new house. That is taking a lot of my time, but it also gives me more time to think that I care for. I'd rather just crawl under the covers and stay in bed until it all just magically all goes away! Can I do that please? Is there someone who can make that happen? Does someone have a magic lamp I can wish one or a genie I can use a wish up on?

I know God must be tired of hearing my prayers over and over. They always turn out the same so lately I've just been say, "Ok God, you know the prayer, so can you help a sister out please?" I just don't know what to pray anymore. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH AND TRUST GOD & HIS TIMING BUT IT HURTS AND I DON"T HAVE THE STRENGTH SOME DAYS TO FIGHT!!! WHY is it so difficult? WHY???

Two Feet Rooted in the Past...None in the Future?

2010-10-19T15:17:00.000-05:00

Everyone comes from somewhere. I am lucky to have a family who keeps up with the family members of the past, or to an extent anyway. So 2 years ago I began doing ancestry research. Really I was just picking up where my maternal Grandfather started many years ago. When I was little he would tell me stories about his parents and how one of his Grandmother's was Creek Indian. For many years he tried to "prove" our Native American Heritage but kept hitting road block after road block. However if you look at the following picture, you will see that she truly did have some Indian in her (she is the one of the far left and my grandfather is the little boy standing right next to her)....but if you can't "prove" it well, what can you do?

So my journey to "prove" where I came from started, so that future generations of MY LINE know where they came from. The first few months of my searching online, I would lose track of time and before I knew it, it would be 4am and I would sneak into bed so my husband wouldn't know that I had been spending so much time "searching". I'm pretty sure my incessant and obsessive need to "find" where I came from stems from all of my infertility issues. My paternal grandmother is 93 and constantly tells me stories about things she remembers from her childhood. She has even written a book/journal, if you want to call it that....it is handwritten and in a spiral notebook. She tells about her life growing up, wrote stories that her grandmother used to tell her and shared her perspective on how she saw her parents, my Great-grandparents. Right after I began my searching I spent most of my time finding her line of the family and for Christmas that year I gave her a printed and bound copy of an Ancestry report that went back 13 generations on her father's side of the family. She loves her book so much, my dad says that now, two years later she looks at it everyday.

About a year ago, my Grandmother and I were talking one day about old pictures and I was telling her how I would love to have copies of them. She told me that I could copy them because since I didn't have anyone to pass the originals down to, those would go to someone else in the family. WOW! Did that ever HURT! Nothing like sticking a knife in your grandchild's heart and twisting a little. Yes I don't have children yet...cause of the infertility. And YES my Grandmother KNOWS WHY! But for her to say that was devastating to say the least. She is 93, but that isn't an excuse for saying what she did. But she is old Texas lady who speaks her mind. After that comment it made my searching even that more frantic. I secretly search her house when I am there for old pictures so I can scan them so I at least have a "copy" since I am not WORTHY of having the ORIGINALS since I don't have kids.....YET!

I have done as much research as I can on my dad's side of the family for now and have turned my sights back to my mom's side, which is where I had originally started. This side of the family originated not far from where I moved from recently in Alabama and where we are still kinda close to. One day I took off with my GPS and the name of a Cemetery in this rural part of a county south of us and I found the graves of my Great Great Great Grandfather and Grandmother! That was really cool! But then I got busy with the move and put my searching on hold. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I found myself up in the same area of Alabama and I got the old yearning to "look" for my past yet again (my Grandfather would be so proud). So armed with my computer and GPS I found where my Great Grandmother was buried! (She is the lady on the far right in the picture above.) It took me all day to find it but I found it just as the sun was going down. I stood over her grave and wondered if she ever thought about what the future would hold and if she would ever have someone come and find her and say, "This is who I came from." I think about this ALL THE TIME!!! I want that more than anything in the world and I think that is what I am afraid of the most....that after all of this, I will know where I came from but there will be no one in the future to find me to say, "I came from her!" What if my footsteps here on earth are the last of my line? What if I leave no link for the future? What if there is no one to name their child after me because it was a beautiful old family name? What if this is it? Am I searching for nothing?

Ramblings at 2am

2010-10-17T02:39:00.001-05:00

So we are building a house. There is just DH and I, except for every other weekend when my DSS "B" comes to visit. This house we are building is a 4 bedroom...yes, a 4 bedroom. We have so much stuff and I am just tired of having to "find" places to put things that I wanted enough room. Plus with us trying to get pregnant I wanted us to have enough room to "GROW" into our family. So one room of course will be B's room, one will be a guest room and the other room will be our office/library/future baby's room. While I was on my girls cruise, B was down visiting his maternal grandparents who live close to us, so DH took him to see the new house. Well, B decided which room was going to be his....because it was the "biggest" of the 3 extra rooms. Other than the Master Bedroom, all the bedrooms are the same size. I had already decided which rooms I was going to give B a choice between and the room he chose was not one of them but my DH doesn't agree with what I have in mind. I really think I should have a say as to which room MY FUTURE CHILD goes in! Shouldn't I? I don't want to be switching rooms around 6 months or 12 months or however long it takes for us to conceive or adopt! Is that wrong?

How stupid is it that I laid in bed tonight letting this worry me? But for the life of me I could not get it out of my mind. We went to the house today and I sat down on the floor in the room I want to put MY child in and I dreamed of what that room would be like with a crib in it and toys on the floor. And all those things that make it a child's room. I could almost hear the soft in and out of breaths from a tiny body and smell the smell that can only be described as "baby". So now I have to either be the bad guy or be the bigger person and let B have the room he wants, while all the time wishing it were MY child's room. This is me just being selfish but this will be my house and B will only be there a minimum amount of time. He is 15 now and in 9th grade, so he doesn't have much longer at home and he lives with his mom in another state the majority of the time. I just don't know what to do.

On a different note, I met with my Exercise Physiologist this past week. We have added some strength training exercises that I can do at home to my "workout routine". They use my own body weight so I don't need anything special. I can also go to the gym and use the machines if I want to and get the same workout just to change it up a bit. I also met with the dietitian this week. So now I have all my tools to get started. I have no excuses at all! I am going to make up a meal plan and exercise plan and follow it! My goals are going to be little to start...10% at a time. So Monday starts my new lifestyle. Hope I can do it. I just have to keep remember WHY I AM DOING IT!!! FOR THE CHANCE AT BEING A MOMMY!!!

A Time for Relaxing and Unexpected Blessings

2010-10-05T16:08:00.000-05:00

So, I just got back from a 4 day cruise. It was a girls getaway. I got a lot of alone time with God and lots of time just to relax and not think about all the stresses in my life. Of course the stresses crept in some...the infertility, the house drama, etc. But it was a well deserved trip. Now I am home and life has to resume. Too much good food on the trip set me back a little on my weight loss so I have to be careful over the next week. I have a Wedding to do this weekend so I will be busy but hopefully will get my exercise in.

Today had a Blessing thrown my way...one I wasn't expecting at all. I have a cousin who is older than me. She just became a grandmother for the 3rd time. She told me today that she would be willing to carry and give birth to a child for me, if her doctor would clear her for it. She still has cycles, she was divorced a few years ago and isn't with anyone right now and feels that this is something she would love to do for us if she is able. I was totally shocked! I have had people in the past tell me that they would be willing to carry a child for me but I have never truly believed them, but I know that J is very serious. I think this is something that I have to seriously consider. I will be praying about it for sure. J also said something very interesting today that I have been thinking about. We have been in the process of buying a house and the deal fell through last week only two days before closing, well, we decided we had enough and we are building a house...well, it was already started.....and we should be able to move in sometime in November. Anyway, J said, "Maybe God has just been waiting for you to get your nest ready." Something more to ponder on :D

Much to think about and be thankful for today. God is so good and I know he has something wonderful planned for us.

What If ....A video from an Infertility Advocate

2010-09-27T16:12:00.000-05:00

Here is a video from an Infertility Advocate called "What If". There are many "What If's" in the world of Infertility. I will throw my own what if in....what if I lose the weight I need to and I still don't get pregnant. What if I keep trying to get pregnant and then when we decide it is time to move on to adoption they tell me I'm too old? I could go on and on.....

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What We Would Give to Be Moms

2010-09-27T15:19:00.001-05:00

So when I lived in Montgomery, I visited two different infertility support groups. I thought they would help but I never felt very comfortable going. It just wasn't like expected. I really enjoyed the ladies that were a part of the group but maybe at the time I wasn't really ready to take on my infertility as much as I thought I was. I don't know. Anyway, I still keep up with many of the ladies and get prayer requests from them via email. Today I got an email from one of the groups. There is a think going around Facebook about Mothers. People post it in their status. Here it is......

"To all the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon haircuts for pony tails, long showers for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and wouldn't change a thing. Lets see how many moms post this. Moms who don't care about whatever they gave up and instead LOVE what they got in return. Post this if you love your life as a Mother."

For those of us who struggle to become moms, reading this can be hard. We would give anything for this simple paragraph to pertain to us.....but for so many of us it still doesn't. So one of the ladies of the Infertility support group came up with her own version of this in honor of those of us who still struggle on our path to Motherhood. Here is her version......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who traded flat stomachs for bruised and bloated ones, romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a refrigerator full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches and hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, and wouldn’t change a thing… because every one of these trade offs is a CHANCE at Motherhood. Woman who don’t care about whatever they gave up and instead risk everything for the hope of something wonderful in return. Post THIS if you’d do anything to become a Mother."

This version was too long to post in my status on Facebook plus me being a Plus Size Mommy-in-Waiting, the "flat stomach for bruised and bloated ones" just didn't fit for me either so I took A's version and tweaked it a little to fit me as well as the FB status field. Here is my version of this......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who have traded romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a bathroom full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches & hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, & wouldn’t change a thing. Woman who don’t care about what they gave up & instead PRAY and HOPE for a chance at MOTHERHOOD! Post THIS if you’d do anything to be a MOTHER!"

Catching up

2010-09-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since I blogged last. Right after Mother's Day my friend Robyn, who was battling breast cancer, lost her battle. She is now an angel watching over us all. Her funeral was sereal. Her babies and hubby miss her and her mom is lost without her. I can't imagine what they are all going through. I pray for this family each day. I pray that a cure is found so that someday those little girls won't have to worry that they might suffer the same fate as their mom. Little MM and MC may the Lord watch over you and proctect you both!

In June my DH and I made our big move to Florida, compliments of the United States Air Force. Florida is nice and besides the drama that we have had surround our purchase of a home, we are liking the area. I will be glad when we are finally through with closing on the house so I can paint and make it ours. It just doesn't feel like home yet, but it will. I know it will.

As far as the TTCing goes. We are on a break because of the move. I turned 38 last month and I guess it really hit me that I really am running out of time. Especially after my 20th High School Class Reunion this summer also. So I am taking the next step on this journey....a big on for me. I made an appointment with the HAWC...the Health and Wellness Center. I met with an Exercise Physiologist. She asked me why I wanted the help in losing weight and I told her because more than anything I want to be a mom and to reach that goal I have to lose weight. She gave me a prescription for 30 minutes of exercise a day for the next 3 weeks. I am to start off exercising 10 mins 3 times a day. If that is to easy then I do it 2 times a day for 15 mins each, then move on to 30 mins once a day. I also went in for a BodPod assessment. If you have never had this done then look it up. It is really cool. It took less than a minute. They were able to tell me what percentage of my body is fat and what my resting metabolic rate is. Let's just say...I have a long way to go, but I'm going to start with small goals at a time. So my first goal is 10% of my body weight. So I will keep my progress posted.

So that is where I am right now. A new city, a new house, looking for a new doc and starting a new journey with my weight loss. I'm looking forward to what the future holds for the first time in a very long time!

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

For a woman who experiences the pain of infertility, Mother's Day can be a pretty sad occasion. Instead of counting years I have been trying to conceive I count how many Mother's Days I have gone childless...if you count the years I tried with my ex-husband I am on 14 now. That includes the years that I was single, cause although I was single I still longed for that child and grieved for the children that I didn't have with my ex.

Yesterday was overall a pretty good day, if you don't count that fact that I got wished Happy Mother's Day by people in my own family who know I'm not a mom. Maybe they did it because I am a Step-mom. Who knows. My mother always acknowledges me on Mother's Day but she always has to add the "Step" in the card....I guess to make me feel better.When my mother-in-law was alive she always wished my Happy Mother's day but would say...Because you are a second mom to "B", my stepson. I only had one stranger wish me a Happy Mother's Day and that was in a restaurant on Friday....so I lucked up there. I hate it when people just assume you are a mother! I skipped church yesterday because of the usually Mother's Day stuff and all the kids there with their moms. Just couldn't take it this year. I did however read several great wishes from friends online this year that have been where I am now, but were celebrating their first Mother's Day. They made sure and acknowledged those of us still waiting for our little miracles. One day (sigh).... My hubby, for the second year in a row has bought me a single rose...this year it was a red one. He doesn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day, he just gives it to me and tells me that he loves me. That is all I need and I feel better, because I think he finally understands what I go through emotionally.

So brings me to the sad part of Mother's Day. I have a High School friend who is losing her battle with Metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer. On Saturday, Mother's Day Eve, an organization called "Let There Be Mom" came to Birmingham, Alabama (where Robyn lives) from South Carolina. They help families preserve the memory of a parent who is losing their battle to a disease. They spent the whole day with the family, and although I do not know what they did, I'm sure they did a great job and there will be much for her two young daughters to hold on to as they grow up with their mom in Heaven. Anyway, yesterday, which was Mother's Day, should have been a happy time for the family. Spending what might be Robyn's last Mother's Day together, however she had to taken to the hospital and was admitted. As of this morning the family was told that is was only a matter of days before she closes her eyes one final time. Next year the girls will not have their mommy to celebrate with...but they will have their grandmother. Robyn's mother was with her yesterday, for that I am thankful. As a mother, I'm glad Ms. S has a final Mother's Day memory with her only daughter, although it isn't a very happy memory...at least they were together. So as I have been contemplating Mother's Day and all it encompasses, I think things could be worse. I cannot imagine what my friend and her family are going through right now, and feel somewhat selfish that I had my "Oh Woe Is Me Pity Party" yesterday. I thankfully still have my mom and she still has me. So if you are reading this, take the time to Thank our Father above for the time you have with your mom and if you are a mom with your children. Never let anyone doubt what you felt about them. And if you are feeling really down and low about something going on in your life, just remember there are worse thing out there happening to people who really don't deserve it.

Please pray for my friend Robyn, her husband, her two young daughters, her mother, her brothers and all of her other family and friends as they say goodbye and watch another ANGEL get her WINGS! We love you Robyn! Because I knew you....I have been changed for Good! Thanks for letting me call you my friend.

Cysts and Babies

2010-05-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

So last week I was having terrible pain in my lower abdomen. So I went into the doc and they did an ultrasound. I had what looked like the remainder of a cyst on my right ovary and had a pretty big one on the left one too. The one of the left was a corpus luteum cyst...or at least that is what they think it was since I was unable to go in for my trigger shot, follow up ultrasound to the one at the beginning of this cycle and didn't get the IUI done. So I really messed up with this cycle. Anyway, they did blood work and the PG test they did at that time was BFN...of course. So now it is a waiting game to see if AF is going to start on her own.

Last week I also dealt with some jealousy and longing that I haven't had in a while. I went with my DH to buy a baby shower gift for a guy he works with and I had a little anxiety over it. Sometimes it doesn't bother me...like when I am shopping for my niece that is expecting and my friend who is expecting her first baby. I LOVE SHOPPING FOR THEM! But other people, I have a difficult time with. I have another family member that is expecting her second baby but with her I'm having trouble with too, because well, that is a long story. Then my DH tells me tonight that the daughter of a friend of ours is expecting again...no tact, just says it. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!! GIVE ME AN F'in BREAK!!! Mother's day is less than a week away...I DON"T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP!!! This is a girl that I have know since she was like 14 who got pregnant at 16 married at 18 and is now having her 3rd kid! I HATE THIS!

On the Rollercoaster again

2010-04-24T00:22:00.001-05:00

It has been over a year since my last post and much has happened. I am going to be making an effort to post more frequently, mostly because I need an outlet for this crazy thing I call my life, but also so I can update anyone who used to follow me or begins to follow my story now.

Last March, I went to work out of town so we took a long break from our TTCing. I worked down in Orange Beach, Alabama for my old boss, teaching preschool. Most days I spent my lunch break sitting at the beach in my car reading a book, or just listening to the music of the waves, people and seagulls. Growing up on the Gulf, the beach is were I find my peace and serenity. I stayed with my dad while I was down there. It was nice getting to spend time with my dad but I really missed being home. In reality I missed 7 months of married life because of this, but we needed the money. My last week of work was Labor Day week. We went out of town for the weekend and on Tuesday I headed back down to the coast for my last 4 days of work. On the way down some kids pulled out in front of me and I t-boned them. I was going 50mph when this happened so needless to say, my car was totalled and so was the kids. He ended up with a broken hip and I ended up with major neck and shoulder issues. We were due to start back with our fertility treatments in October so that got put on the back burner. Since September I have been battling pain in my neck, shoulder, chest, upper back and left arm. I have other issues but no one seems to be able to tell me if they are a direct result of the wreck....but until the then I never had trouble. I won't go into too much detail about that because that might be TMI!

So here we are in April already. We are in the middle of a cycle right now. I am CD 21 and have been having pain in my lower right ovary area. I did have the remnants of a cyst at the beginning of this cycle so I don't know if that is why or maybe we got lucky and it is implantation pain :D I highly doubt it, but you never know. We didn't do an IUI this month because we had to pay taxes with the money we thought we were going to have for the IUI....so I have to call my doc and explain to him why we didn't do it. But next month we are going to try another cycle, this time hopefully with clomid and follistim. My weight is still an issue but I'm going to try very hard the next few weeks to get a little off. With us moving I really want to do another cycle with Dr. Allemand. I am really going to miss having him as my doc. I am so worried that another doc won't be as sincere and concerned as he is and the staff at the Montgomery office is. I HATE MOVING!!! Damn the military! Well, I will just have to pray for a good doc...one that will keep going the direction of the Doc. of my dreams!

Full Moon, HSG, IUI, Friday the 13th and an Anniversary!

2009-02-12T21:08:00.004-06:00

So here we are already into February. This month has already been very busy. It started out with me starting a cycle on my own 4 days before our RE appointment. Steve wasn't able to go but it was just a video conference anyway. The doc and I talked about my weight and where to go next with my treatment. He said since I have had two cycles on my own back to back that we could try another round of pills if I wanted to. I said, "Sure, why not?" He said he liked my Clomid cycle last year better than my Femara cycles so we did clomid. He also watned to do an HSG to recheck my fallopian tubes since it had been 3 years since my last one.

We drove to Birmingham on Sunday for CD10 bloodwork and then back on Monday for the HSG. The HSG went good. Both my tubes are open and the uterus looks good. The procedure went well however afterward I had an "inflamatory reaction" to the dye they used. Basically all the tissue in my abdomen and on the outer parts of my organs became inflamed and irritated. Boy, that sure didn't feel good. I felt like my insides were on fire and were going to explode out of my body. So on Tuesday I ended up back at the doctor. They did bloodwork and an ultrasound and everything seemed to be ok. Basically I just had to wait out the absorbtion of the dye into my body. UGG!

However there was one positive side to me having to go in on Tuesday. During the ultrasound Ms. Sarah discovered three follicals very near ready.....so they gave me my trigger shot and scheduled my IUI for the next day. Steve and I went in yesterday and did IUI #5. I figure with the combination of the full moon, the HSG, the IUI, Friday the 13th and our 5th Wedding Anniversary on Valentine's Day that something has got to happen this month. I hope anyway! 5th IUI....5th Anniversary.....see my thinking?! :D

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today and know that all will be well! 13 days and dounting until we test! I hope I can wait!

Time sure flies

2008-12-05T23:24:00.002-06:00

Well, here I am again.....taking months to post another blog. Not much has changed in the Fertility front. We have an appointment with our doc on December 17th. I don't know what will happen but hopefully we will try at least another month or two on pills before we move to injections. I'm still working on the weight loss but that has pretty much come to a stand still. I don't know why if I want a child so badly I just can't get myself in gear and lose some weight....you would think having a child would be the motivation that I need! I am very much "Self Sabotaging" in that way. As my hubby so smartly discovered and then pointed out, as long as i don't lose the weight I at least have "it" to blame for not being able to TTC. BUT if I lose weight and I still don't get pregnant then there is only one thing to blame....well, not a thing, but "ME"!!! He truly hit the nail on the head with that one. You would think going to school to be a counselor would keep me from having these issues, but I do! Sometimes it makes me second guess my career direction because of all the trouble I'm having. UGH!! What do I do???!!!

So anyway, life goes on and as we fastly approach our one year mark of working with our new RE I have to try to keep my chin up in regards to our TTCing....I figured by now I would be expecting yet here we are again at another Christmas with no little one of our own. Please pray for me as I struggle with this during the holidays. I really don't feel like celebrating and dread trying to put on a cheerful happy face...but that is one thing I'm very good at. I'll bring out my "Christmas Facade" very soon for every one's sake but my own.

Anyway, time keeps chugging along. It has been a year since my MIL passed away. We have had a very somber week here at the house. Yesterday was a year ago that we buried her. Steve and his sibs have talked several times this week and my MIL's best friend/cousin sent us flowers on Monday to let us know she was thinking about us. That was very hard but it was sweet of her to think of us.

Sorry I don't want to bring everyone down. I'm just having a pity party tonight. I do hope everyone has a great holiday. Merry Christmas and Happy New year! May the new year bring everyone wonderful things.

2008-10-31T00:05:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I blogged. We have been on a break so that I could get some more weight off.....well, that isn't really happening the way we hoped. It is taking a lot longer. My DH thinks he figured it out and I think he is right. As long I haven't lost the weight, the weight can be the reason I don't get pregnant BUT if I lose the weight and I still don't get pregnant then it is my fault I'm not getting pregnant. And guess what? That is exactly how I feel! If I can blame it on something else I'm better than if it is ME! Does that make sense?

Anyway, a month ago I wrote to one of the local TV news reporters on our local NBC station and suggested a story be done on Infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. Then I didn't think about it anymore. Then I got an email from one of the producers and they wanted to do the story but it would have to be after "the" week.....and they wanted me to be a part of it. So we finally set it up.

Monday is the day that I will be on WSFA's Alabama Live discussing infertility. I hope I do well. I'm sure I will. I'm going to memorize some facts this weekend about infertility and PCOS so that I can be prepared just in case Kim asks me. I emailed her my story today. Below is a copy of what I wrote. i did this so she would know my story ahead of time and would be able to pull questions from my experience to ask me. I just hope I don't get so nervous that I freeze. Anyway, here is my story...short and sweet.

My Story:

In 1995 at the age of 23, while married to my ex husband, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which causes me not to ovulate and have regular cycles. I basically was told to lose weight and then I would get pregnant. That didn't happen. We divorced in 1998. I met my new husband in 2002 and we married in 2004. We knew from the beginning that it would take a while for us to get pregnant but treatments had changed dramatically between the six years I had divorced and remarried, so we had hope and still do.

We began trying to conceive in August 2005. We were referred to a fertility doctor in Birmingham by my doctor on base. After almost a year of trying and 3 failed Intrauterine Insemination's or IUI's we decided to take a break. Our break lasted a year. Then last fall, while in the Galleria in Birmingham I saw an advertisement for the ART Fertility Program of Alabama. I wrote the phone number down and then called them to see if they accepted my insurance, which they did. The receptionist gave me the web address and I scoured the site to find out everything I could about them. There were two things that drew my husband and I to this fertility program; the fact that there was a satellite office in Montgomery so we wouldn't have to drive back and forth to Birmingham all the time AND one of the doctors had published research on diagnosis and fertility treatment of polycystic ovarian syndrome in the journal Fertility and Sterility. I knew right then and there I had found my doctor!

In February of this year we began our treatments with Dr. Allemand at the ART Fertility Program which is based out of Brookwood Medical Center in Birmingham. Although we have yet to have a successful outcome, we continue to have hope and Dr. Allemand is very encouraging. We have received wonderful treatment from the staff at the office here in Montgomery as well as the main office in Birmingham. We meet with Dr. Allemand via Video Conference to discuss our treatments, which keeps my husband from having to take off work to go to Birmingham. The convenience of having ART in town relieves part of the stress that accompanies the fertility treatment process and I wouldn't trade these doctors and nurses for anything in the world. This time around we have had two IUI's and two failed cycles. Currently I'm preparing for the next step in medications which will be injectables. To reduce my chance of multiples I have a goal weight I'm trying to achieve so that my dosage will not have to be as high. My doctor is confident that we will be able to achieve a pregnancy, it is just a matter of getting to my goal weight and going from there.

Besides the actual trying to conceive there is the emotional side of everything. I have always known that I would be a mom but no one ever told me the journey to get there would be this difficult. As a woman I feel out of sync with the rest of the world sometimes. How I deal with this emotional rollarcoaster changes day to day. If it is not the medications that are loaded with hormones affecting my mood then it is the depression that plagues me. Sometimes I find it hard to be happy for the people I love when they have children, yet I put on a happy face for their sake and then I grieve in private for the one thing that I want the most, "MY CHILD". I truly want to be happy for those around me that have children it is just that some days it is hard when it seems everyone is pregnant except for me. The one thing that helps me through is my faith in God, although I sometimes even struggle with this. That is why I sought out a local support group to help me through some of this emotional and spiritual struggle that I go through with the infertility issues. Knowing there is someone that totally understands where I am helps get me through all of this. And as some of my online friends say, "It does not matter how many children I have, I will always know the pain of Infertility." Whether I become a mom by conceiving and giving birth to my own child or adopting a child, I will be a mom one day. We just aren't ready to give up on our fertility treatments yet. When the time comes we will know and although it will be tough, at least we will know that we did everything we could.

A trend on TLC's Baby shows

2008-07-17T15:48:00.003-05:00

So the past two days I've not been feeling the greatest. I have been watching a lot of TV and not just my soap operas that I've gotten back into since being unemployed. Yesterday I found myself watching "Bringing Home Baby", the show on TLC. The couple they were following had TTC for years and after 6 failed artificial inseminations and 4 IVF cycles, they became pregnant. I cried as I watched the show because I know what it is like to want something as much as they wanted their daughter!

THEN today I was watching "A Baby Story" and the couple was pregnant with twins....they already had a 5 year old and 2 year old. As the show progressed the mom starts talking about how she has PCOS and the only way she has ever been able to get pregnant was by taking Clomid....that is how all of the children were conceived. She said that her doc always warned her there was a chance for twins but she never let it worry her. Then with the last pregnancy she conceived twins. They ended up being a boy and girl. Of course I cried during this one too.

After that show went off, "Bringing Home Baby" came on. I ended up watching both shows because they both followed couples dealing with infertility! Go figure! The first couple had a set of twins that were conceived through IVF, but were surprised when the wife got pregnant with no medical assistance with the new baby. That was a wonderful and encouraging story to hear. The second couple has also dealt with years of infertility and then finally conceived through IVF. They brought home beautiful baby girls. I really bawled my eyes out during this one because the wife got emotional talking about how everyone had waited so long for the girls.

I so want to be one of these couples!!!! I pray for the day that my time arrives. Seeing these stories though, especially the one with the lady who has PCOS, truly gives me hope and keeps me looking to the end of this journey. Although, this journey will never really end, because infertility will always be a part of me!

Another sign in front of a random church

2008-07-15T22:10:00.006-05:00

Every once in a while I pass a church that has a sign out front that says something very profound. It is amazing how sometimes what is said is so fitting for the mood I'm in or my situation at the time. Today's sign said, "Patience is Trusting in God's Timing". WOW! I read this coming out of a job interview. This job has sounded very promising when I read the add for it, but once I found out what the job was, well, not so much what it is but the hours, I knew I couldn't take it if I were offered it. It is working with young girls with self injurious behaviors, in a transitional group home. After this placement they will go into a foster home. The job would be a wonderful opportunity to work with a group that I haven't worked with in the past, but the hours would keep me from having any time with my DH! We are just getting back to where we need to be in our relationship, so I don't want to jeopardize that. So I will take the words posted on that church sign today and "TRUST IN GOD'S TIMING" not only in the area of a job, but in going back to school and TTCing. It is amazing how one simple sentence can help you face another day with peace and patience!

93 degrees is not always the same!

2008-07-08T16:43:00.004-05:00

My hubby and I just got home from our vacation in North Dakota with his family. While we were there we experienced some warm days and some cool days......waking up to 50 degree weather and at the most getting up to 93 degrees with most days being in the mid 80's. One day the temp was 93 degrees and the following day the high was 73, it was just WONDERFUL!

In North Dakota, 93 degrees is nothing like what that would feel like here at home in Alabama. I was born and raised in south Alabama, so I should be used to the heat and humidity. Well, I'm here to tell you....after two weeks of literally NO HUMIDITY.....there is not and will never be anything like Alabama in the summer. The 93 degrees we felt in North Dakota was BEAUTIFUL! It was a gorgeous day with a breeze blowing and although the temp was 93, you didn't sweat, AT ALL!!! The day after we came home to Alabama, it was 93 degrees.....it was HUMID, HOT and I WAS SWEATY!!! I want the North Dakota weather back!

More curve balls

2008-04-15T22:58:00.003-05:00

Well life has just thrown me another curve ball. Last night my DH was on Myspace and noticed that my cousin's page name was "I'm going to be a Mommy!!!!!". He asked me if I had seen it and I said no. At first I thought maybe it was a joke from April 1st that she just forgot to change. We looked at her comments and someone asked her about it. So we were nosey and looked at that person's page and sure enough, my cousin confirmed she is going to be a mommy. I called my mom this morning and asked her about it and she said it was true. My aunt called her Saturday to let her know and mom told her not to tell me because of my state of mind right now. My mom said that my aunt thought I should be told sooner rather than later because the older sister is getting married in September and she didn't want me to find out when I see her walking down the aisle, as her sister's Maid of honor, with a big belly.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE THINK I CAN'T TAKE SOMETHING!!! LIKE I'M EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE AND WILL TOTALLY HAVE A BREAK DOWN OR SOMETHING WHEN HEARING ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!!!!

What I hate more is finding out that is was an accident! My cousin is on the pill and basically had a one night stand with a guy that was about to leave for Iraq. Why for some does it take one time....and happens even though birth control is used.?????? This makes my aunt's second great-grandbaby conceived the same way....this cousin is really a second cousin. Her mom and dad are shocked that she would get pregnant since she is the one usually with a good head on her shoulders. And this boy that knocked her up, well, he doesn't believe that the baby is his and is sending very hateful email to my cousin.

I'm just so tired of it being everyone else but me!! Since DH and I have been TTC I have had 2 nieces (both 17 at the time), 2 nephews (one married, one not married), and 6 cousins(one of which had 2 babies 10 months apart, and all unmarried at the time of conception except for one) have babies. Now this 21 year old unmarried cousin and my 16 year old niece get pregnant. Not to mention my two sisters-in-law have each had a baby and now one is expecting again. That is a total of 16 babies in my family in 3 years time. Not to mention all the people I just know that have had babies. UGGG!!!! I'm just really having a pity party right now.

I know my time will come but it doesn't make this any easier!!!

Update on Video Conference

2008-04-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

My doc is happy with they way our last cycle went except that my lining was a little thin. He put me on Estrace to help thicken it up. We are going to do Femara again this month and IUI. The day after I will start on 400mg of progesterone. He is happy with my 10pound weight lose so far. I have 20 pounds to go before he will even consider putting me on injections. Until then, we will continue doing this new "cocktail" of Metformin, Femara, Estrace and Progesterone. He wants us to be doing something while I'm losing the weight I need to and who knows, with the weight loss, something might just work and I won't have to do injections or IVF!!! That would be nice! Anyway, so that is where I'm at right now.

Video conference

2008-04-13T21:54:00.003-05:00

I didn't blog before now because I have had a headache all weekend. AF showed today, with a vengeance! So we are officially on to another cycle. Thursday I called and scheduled our video conference with our RE but they couldn't get us in until April 30th. UGGG!!! However they put us on the cancellation list. In the mean time I called and spoke with the nurses about this cycle and they went ahead and called in a refill for my Femara and progesterone. Then Friday the RE office called and there was a cancellation for Monday. So we go in tomorrow morning at 8:30 for our video conference. Now I have to be honest and tell him that I lost a few more pounds but I have been BAD at exercising the past 3 weeks. I know we will probably be doing the same as last month, Femara, IUI and progesterone. His philosophy is we should be doing something while I'm losing weight, so I know he isn't going to say no, we don't need to do anything this month. Anyway, I really have to buckle down this next month and get some weight off. I'm starting on my nutrisystem again in the morning....so that with exercise is going to be my focus for the next couple months. Wish me luck and send any encouragement you can spare my way please!!!!

Another month, another negative!

2008-04-10T17:45:00.004-05:00

We got a BFN yesterday. I was not all that surprised of the result, but I had truly hoped that it would be positive this time. I get so tired of seeing one line and hearing the words, "I'm sorry but your results were negative. " WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN??????? Also in the back of my mind were the psychic predictions.....all three were basically the same, March or April. Well, one was March to May, but I guess I wanted to believe and hope that they would be right and my March-April cycle would be it. Oh, well, I'll move on to the next cycle. Every month gets us closer to the end result. Now I have to get over the hurdle of my weight.

I have lost about 9 of the 30 pounds I need to lose for us to be able to move on to injections. Then we have to decide if we are going to even do them or if we just want to move on to IVF. DH is afraid that if we do injections with IUI that we will end up with a litter instead of one or two babies. He feels better about doing IVF so that we can have "some" kind of control over how many there "may" be. I don't know what I want to do next. I'm willing to go as far as I need to but which step do we take next? I'm so confused and just completely at a loss! I've never been at this point before. After our second failed IUI last time we took a break......which ended up being a year long break. So here I find myself in new territory. And so my journey continues.

Medication and exhaustion

2008-04-03T17:00:00.002-05:00

I went in for bloodwork yesterday to check my progesterone. It was only 14.7 so they increased my dosage to 200mg twice daily. Anyway, now my stomach doesn't feel well and I have been extremely exhausted all day long. It makes me wonder if it is the medication OR if it is something else.....like my little angel trying to make an appearance finally! I have 6 days left before I find out. Hope I can wait that long and not go crazy in the mean time!!!

IUI #4

2008-03-31T14:10:00.002-05:00

So on Thursday we had our 4th IUI. It went pretty well, and now the wait begins. We went to Atlanta this weekend for the Barry Manilow concert so I stayed pretty busy and haven't had much time to dwell on what "might" be going on in my belly! I keep thinking of all the people who don't want to get pregnant and do, and about the ones that are pregnant and don't know it and here I sit waiting and wondering almost every hour of every day about what is going on inside my body. My doc had me start my progesterone the day after the IUI this time. He wants to give my body a head start just in case....so I hope that helps.

Something that is really weird about this cycle though is I'm having very weird and vivid dreams. They are not like they were last month. This time they are more like reliving my past through my dreams. Last month they were horrible, gory dreams. I wonder what that is all about. Maybe it is just my mind trying to find an outlet. Who knows.

On to a second cycle

2008-03-24T18:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't posted since my very first one....it has been quite a month. Our IUI was unsuccessful last month. Kinda disappointing however, I really didn't think it had worked....but I remained hopeful. Well, our doc started me on a new medication, Femara. I took it CD 5-7 and now it is CD 12. I have to do an OPK tonight and hopefully we will have another IUI in a few days. So, we will see what happens this time.

the beginning

2008-03-06T21:42:00.000-06:00

Well, this is the first entry for my new blog. I am hoping this blog will be the beginning of a new part of my life. So we shall see. My hubby and I are awaiting the results of our first IUI...we find out Monday if it worked. So maybe this will trun into a way to journal a pregnancy.....it will of course be a journal of my life.