Due date

Today was my precious Angel baby's due date. This whole week leading up to today has been a rough one. I feel so sad and yet I have tried to not let myself dwell on what could of been. I allowed myself time to cry for the child that was not meant to be but grieving alone is a hard thing to do. I had no pictures or really much of anything to document that pregnancy, only pregnancy tests and 2 things I bought to remember my angel by...... so there is nothing really to look back on to remember my angel by just the memory of knowing I carried him or her beneath my heart even for a short time.

I tried to prepare my husband yesterday for how I might feel today but he just shook his head and didn't say anything. Some how that makes it feel even worse knowing that the father of my child isn't mourning that child like I am. I know it has a lot to do with how long we actually knew we were expecting our angel. I also know that is probably a man thing even though that is not an excuse. No matter what that child was a part of both of us and I had hoped that he would at least share some of my feelings that I am feeling today.

I know today was the first true milestone since my miscarriage last december and that there will be more to come. I will always think of my Angel and miss my Angel on these days but I know he or she was just not meant for this earth.

Happy due date  my Angel. Mommy wishes she could have welcomed you into this world today. I will always love you no matter what.

One Month Ago Today....

.....I became the Mommy of an Angel.  Our Angel Baby was with us for 7 weeks and 2 days.  In the past month I have spent much time searching for the "whys" it happened and blamed myself for many things. Is it possible that I could have prevented what happened?  What if I hadn't been sick with a cold and been taking medication to get over it? What if I had tested earlier and had known longer I was pregnant? What if I had insisted more strongly that they do an ultrasound that very first day? What if it hadn't taken the clinic a week to get my Progesterone test back and I had already been on Progesterone, would that have made a difference? What if....  I know everyone who has miscarried has these what if questions...but I am just having a hard time moving past this blame and all the what ifs. I pray everyday for the Lord to help me through this and to take this doubting and blame away from me. I know it will get better, I have HOPE and FAITH that it will!

To my Angel.....Mommy loves you and misses you everyday!

The Lord's loving kindness indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is thy Faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I have hope in Him." (Lam. 3:22-24)

1st Should Have Been

Today should have been my first OB appointment.  I should have seen my baby for the first time today, heard or seen his or her little heartbeat.  I really hadn't thought about it until someone I grew up with posted her sonogram picture this morning on Facebook announcing that she and her husband are expecting their second child.  The realization that I will never get that "picture" of my child that I lost really hit me.  Why didn't the nurse listen to me that very first day and just do a ultrasound!?!?!?!?  At least I would have a picture...even if it was just a gestational sac and you couldn't really see anything!  I HATE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TANGIBLE THAT SAYS YES I WAS PREGNANT!!!  A Picture would have made it tangible and real!  Maybe my DH would have considered it more real then, a "baby", if he had seen it.  I will never have that though. But today would have been the day I would have had that. The first picture of my first child.

Insomnia, Comfort Food and Comforting Words

As I sit here and type, Thursday has turned into Friday.  I have spent the better part of 3 days sleeping.  Monday, the only reason I got out of bed was because my DH was being promoted to MSgt and I went to his promotion ceremony.  On Tuesday my mom was supposed to come and help me take down the Christmas decorations but I just wasn't up for company or putting everything away yet, so I called and told her not to come, plus I had a splitting headache.  Other than going out to the bank real quick to make a deposit, I stayed in bed pretty much all day that day, all day Wednesday, and all day today.  I didn't realize until about 4:30 today that I had anything to eat or drink all day.  Good thing DH was bring dinner home with him!  Anyway, all this sleeping is probably why now, after midnight I am up and can't get to sleep. 

When I haven't been sleeping I have been reading my books that I ordered about Miscarriage and dealing with the grief of miscarriage. Of the 6 books, I have read 4 of them.  I have started doing the devotionals in the 5th one and the 6th book came in the mail today. So far, each of them have given me information that is helpful and they give me hope in moving past the grief that I am feeling over the loss of my baby.  I didn't realize it until today, but the past 3 days are the first days I have been alone since my miscarriage.  My DSS was here when it all happened and we were busy with him and Christmas so there was never a real "time" for me to grieve the loss of my child.  So here two weeks after the fact I think I am finally grieving in the way I probably would have that very first week if it had not been Christmas week and my DSS had not been here.

So back to my DH bringing me dinner tonight.  Whenever I don't feel good or I'm down, the one thing I enjoy eating the most is a Chicken Pot Pie from KFC.  I know that might sound weird but it is comfort food in the best form! To me anyway.  Well, Wednesday night he went to get me one and the girl told him they had been discontinued.  WHAT?  DISCONTINUED?? You can't discontinue the Pot pie!!!  That is UnAmerican!  Anyway, so he brought me something else home to eat Wednesday night.  He looked up KFC and we called the one that is on his way home from work and asked if they still had them and they said YES!!!  So tonight he stopped and brought me a Pot pie!  He really does love me :) As a friend of mine on Facebook so eloquently put it..."Chicken Pot Pie for the Soul" instead of Chicken Soup for the Soul! 

When we found out we were pregnant, we told a couple of close friends and a family member, but everyone else was to find out on Christmas.  That was supposed to be a wonderful and Joyous day for us to celebrate our great and long awaited news with everyone, even though it would have been early into the pregnancy.  One of the people we were going to be telling at Christmas was one of my dearest and closest friends "J". J and I have been friends since 7th grade.  She was my Matron of Honor when DH and I got married. Several years ago she was in a car accident and she is now a quadriplegic.  She was expecting her first child at the time of her accident.  She carried her DS for two more months before giving birth to him early.  He lived a few short hours before leaving this world and going to Heaven.  So J knows what it is to loose a child.  I wanted to tell her in person about the baby, but due to me being sick around Christmas and then with me miscarrying I never got to tell her I was expecting and then I never got to tell her that my little one has joined her DS in Heaven.  Today I got a card from her in the mail....Her mother and sisters help her with sending things to people since she is unable to write :) It was a wonderful card.  She said that her stepfather has seen my Facebook page and read about our news and that she was so very sorry, that her heart hurt for us because she knows the pain of the loss that I am experiencing.  I was so worried about how to tell her or if I should tell her about our Angel baby at all and now I don't have to worry cause she already knows.  She took the time to let me know that she loves me and is thinking about me and praying for me during this time.  Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve a friend such as J.  She is a blessing and I thank God for everyday for her! 

Lots of Reading to do

About a week ago, my DH and I went to a local bookstore so that I could look for a book on Miscarriage and Grief.  I thought if I had a book to read on the subject, it would help me work through the pain and grief that I feel over losing this baby.  So we went to a "major" bookstore.  I checked the parenting section.  All the books in the world about how to get pregnant, pregnancy and after pregnancy but nothing for miscarriage.  Go to the section on Grief, nothing specific for loss of a child.  Every section I could think of to look in there was NOTHING! Nada...zip.  The girl working customer service looked up "miscarriage" and said "Well, it says we should have one here."  She goes to find it but it isn't there.  Then she say, "Do you want to look at the titles and see which one you want us to order for you?"  I'm thinking to myself, "No, what I really want is to walk out of here and be able to read something but that isn't going to happen."  I thanked her and DH and I proceeded to the next place we thought we could find one...the "Christian Store".

In Pensacola there are two different Christian store chains, we went to the most "known" one first.  There again we hit a brick wall...nothing available but they could order me something.  At this point I'm thinking, but not saying, I CAN ORDER MY OWN BOOKS PEOPLE!!!  HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF AMAZON????  So we go to the second Christian store and once again we find nothing.  However there, the lady was very nice and seemed to understand what I was going through.  She apologized for not having anything available and suggested I go to the other two stores we had already been to. I told her we had already checked there.  Instead of saying, "we can order something for you", she said, "Well, I'm sure if you go to Amazon.com you could find something and there you can read about each book and decide which one is best for you.  If I order something for you here we will only know what the name of it is and it might not be what you are looking for and it would take a couple weeks to get it in. Amazon would be faster for you."  I thanked her and she said she hoped I found what I was looking for.  Then we left. 

I ordered several books off of Amazon later that day.  I actually got two of them before New Years Eve so I have been reading them for several days.  Today I got three more in, including the devotional that is specific for people who have gone through miscarriage or the loss of a child.  I even found one that is geared specifically toward women who deal with Infertility AND Miscarriage.  So I am very eager to read that book.  I guess the old saying that Knowledge is Power is true.  Through these books I hope that I can begin to heal and find some peace and understanding as to why I had to experience this miscarriage.  I may never know, but at least I can begin to help myself move past the grief.  I am hoping that my DH will read some of these as well.  I am not sure exactly how he is feeling in all of this because he doesn't share his feelings very easily.  But I am hoping that we can at least do the devotional book together and that way we experience some healing together, since this baby was our first child together.

After I read all the books I'll post my thoughts on them and all the details on each.  It should be interesting to get through them all but I know I can do it!

A New Year....Better things to come?

Even though 2010 ended the way it did for me, I have many things to be Thankful for that happened in 2010.  I got to spend time with an old friend battling breast cancer before she passed away, I renewed old friendships and made new ones on my High School reunion committee, I moved closer to my family, I bought a new house, I saw old friends here in Florida that I haven't seen in 12 years and for a few beautiful weeks I carried a miracle within me. 

For 2011 I am going to try to start the year with a positive attitude.  But unfortunately I am not off to a great start.  January 1st we had to take my DSS back to his mom.  He was originally supposed to be with us through today but his mom called Thursday and said she felt, "considering the situation here" he should come home early so he could have some "normalcy" in his routine before going back to school tomorrow.  He is 15 not 5....he doesn't need time to get back into any routine! Apparently, my behavior and reaction to my miscarriage had affected B enough that he had said something to his mom about me and she didn't feel the atmosphere here was "normal" so she wanted him home.  So my DH got 2 less days with his son during Christmas Vacation because of the ex-wife. I just want to SCREAM AND YELL at her but I can't.  Then when we got to the meeting spot I spoke to her and she never even acknowledged me.  I know you shouldn't say you hate someone but I really HATE HER!!!  I hate her actions towards my DH, I hate her actions towards her actions towards me and sometimes I hate the way she treats her son.

So after dropping off my DSS;  my DH and I, along with my Great-Nephew L(who had spent several days with us), went to my mom and dad's house for lunch and a day of football!  I LOVE FOOTBALL!  Anyway, L's dad, my Nephew, was there waiting for us.  We had a great day!  Then later that evening a friend of mine came over with her hubby, daughter, mom and dad.  The visit was going great....a lot of catching up.  Somehow the conversation turned to the night my friend's daughter was born.  Any other time hearing this story wouldn't have bothered me, but last night, was just not the night to hear it.  So I sat and endured hearing about her birth, then about my sister giving birth, about my own mother's story of going into labor with me and even my DH chimed in about his cousin giving birth to her first child.  COULD IT GET ANY WORSE?????  I was sitting there the whole time with my head down trying to contain myself and control the urge to scream at everyone to just SHUT UP!  My DH sat there, close to me, stroking my hair the whole time, trying to give me some comfort and support. 

I have never been so happy in my life when that conversation ended.  Like I said, any other time that whole conversation wouldn't have been hard to listen to but I am less than two weeks out from having my miscarriage, which everyone in that room knew about.  Did it ever occur to anyone of my loved ones that I might not want to hear this?  I know it was not talked about on purpose or to be hurtful, they probably never even thought about it, but it HURT to have to sit and listen to all of it.  All I could think about was that I was not going to get to share a story like that about this baby that I lost.  The only story I have to share about the "birth" of this baby is that I miscarried it and passed the "fetal tissue" sitting on a toilet and had to say a prayer and flush it down the toilet....all by myself.  I know that is graphic, but that is how I had to welcome and say good-bye to my baby.  Great story, huh?  Wonder how people would feel if I shared that story?

On the way home I asked my hubby if he thought anyone even thought twice about what they were talking about in front of me.  He said they probably didn't realize it would bother me and wouldn't have done it if they had realized that it would.  I guess I will come across other times when this will happen but also, as time goes by it won't be hard for me to hear stories like that.  Just right now, my heart is still tender.  I'm missing that little life that was growing inside of me and don't know what to do with the pain I feel.  So I will continue to blog how I feel.  At least I have this as an outlet, a diary of sorts.  So I will continue to blog about my experience and feelings and hope that, one day at a time I will heal. And 2011 will get better and better.  Each day will better, I just know it.