On the Rollercoaster again

It has been over a year since my last post and much has happened.  I am going to be making an effort to post more frequently, mostly because I need an outlet for this crazy thing I call my life, but also so I can update anyone who used to follow me or begins to follow my story now.

Last March, I went to work out of town so we took a long break from our TTCing.  I worked down in Orange Beach, Alabama for my old boss, teaching preschool.  Most days I spent my lunch break sitting at the beach in my car reading a book, or just listening to the music of the waves, people and seagulls.  Growing up on the Gulf, the beach is were I find my peace and serenity.  I stayed with my dad while I was down there.  It was nice getting to spend time with my dad but I really missed being home.  In reality I missed 7 months of married life because of this, but we needed the money.  My last week of work was Labor Day week.  We went out of town for the weekend and on Tuesday I headed back down to the coast for my last 4 days of work.  On the way down some kids pulled out in front of me and I t-boned them.  I was going 50mph when this happened so needless to say, my car was totalled and so was the kids.  He ended up with a broken hip and I ended up with major neck and shoulder issues.  We were due to start back with our fertility treatments in October so that got put on the back burner.  Since September I have been battling pain in my neck, shoulder, chest, upper back and left arm.  I have other issues but no one seems to be able to tell me if they are a direct result of the wreck....but until the then I never had trouble.  I won't go into too much detail about that because that might be TMI!

So here we are in April already.  We are in the middle of a cycle right now.  I am CD 21 and have been having pain in my lower right ovary area.  I did have the remnants of a cyst at the beginning of this cycle so I don't know if that is why or maybe we got lucky and it is implantation pain :D  I highly doubt it, but you never know.  We didn't do an IUI this month because we had to pay taxes with the money we thought we were going to have for the IUI....so I have to call my doc and explain to him why we didn't do it.  But next month we are going to try another cycle, this time hopefully with clomid and follistim.  My weight is still an issue but I'm going to try very hard the next few weeks to get a little off.  With us moving I really want to do another cycle with Dr. Allemand.  I am really going to miss having him as my doc.  I am so worried that another doc won't be as sincere and concerned as he is and the staff at the Montgomery office is.  I HATE MOVING!!!  Damn the military!  Well, I will just have to pray for a good doc...one that will keep going the direction of the Doc. of my dreams!

Full Moon, HSG, IUI, Friday the 13th and an Anniversary!

So here we are already into February. This month has already been very busy. It started out with me starting a cycle on my own 4 days before our RE appointment. Steve wasn't able to go but it was just a video conference anyway. The doc and I talked about my weight and where to go next with my treatment. He said since I have had two cycles on my own back to back that we could try another round of pills if I wanted to. I said, "Sure, why not?" He said he liked my Clomid cycle last year better than my Femara cycles so we did clomid. He also watned to do an HSG to recheck my fallopian tubes since it had been 3 years since my last one.

We drove to Birmingham on Sunday for CD10 bloodwork and then back on Monday for the HSG. The HSG went good. Both my tubes are open and the uterus looks good. The procedure went well however afterward I had an "inflamatory reaction" to the dye they used. Basically all the tissue in my abdomen and on the outer parts of my organs became inflamed and irritated. Boy, that sure didn't feel good. I felt like my insides were on fire and were going to explode out of my body. So on Tuesday I ended up back at the doctor. They did bloodwork and an ultrasound and everything seemed to be ok. Basically I just had to wait out the absorbtion of the dye into my body. UGG!

However there was one positive side to me having to go in on Tuesday. During the ultrasound Ms. Sarah discovered three follicals very near ready.....so they gave me my trigger shot and scheduled my IUI for the next day. Steve and I went in yesterday and did IUI #5. I figure with the combination of the full moon, the HSG, the IUI, Friday the 13th and our 5th Wedding Anniversary on Valentine's Day that something has got to happen this month. I hope anyway! 5th IUI....5th Anniversary.....see my thinking?! :D

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today and know that all will be well! 13 days and dounting until we test! I hope I can wait!

Time sure flies

Well, here I am again.....taking months to post another blog. Not much has changed in the Fertility front. We have an appointment with our doc on December 17th. I don't know what will happen but hopefully we will try at least another month or two on pills before we move to injections. I'm still working on the weight loss but that has pretty much come to a stand still. I don't know why if I want a child so badly I just can't get myself in gear and lose some weight....you would think having a child would be the motivation that I need! I am very much "Self Sabotaging" in that way. As my hubby so smartly discovered and then pointed out, as long as i don't lose the weight I at least have "it" to blame for not being able to TTC. BUT if I lose weight and I still don't get pregnant then there is only one thing to blame....well, not a thing, but "ME"!!! He truly hit the nail on the head with that one. You would think going to school to be a counselor would keep me from having these issues, but I do! Sometimes it makes me second guess my career direction because of all the trouble I'm having. UGH!! What do I do???!!!

So anyway, life goes on and as we fastly approach our one year mark of working with our new RE I have to try to keep my chin up in regards to our TTCing....I figured by now I would be expecting yet here we are again at another Christmas with no little one of our own. Please pray for me as I struggle with this during the holidays. I really don't feel like celebrating and dread trying to put on a cheerful happy face...but that is one thing I'm very good at. I'll bring out my "Christmas Facade" very soon for every one's sake but my own.

Anyway, time keeps chugging along. It has been a year since my MIL passed away. We have had a very somber week here at the house. Yesterday was a year ago that we buried her. Steve and his sibs have talked several times this week and my MIL's best friend/cousin sent us flowers on Monday to let us know she was thinking about us. That was very hard but it was sweet of her to think of us.


Sorry I don't want to bring everyone down. I'm just having a pity party tonight. I do hope everyone has a great holiday. Merry Christmas and Happy New year! May the new year bring everyone wonderful things.

It has been a while since I blogged. We have been on a break so that I could get some more weight off.....well, that isn't really happening the way we hoped. It is taking a lot longer. My DH thinks he figured it out and I think he is right. As long I haven't lost the weight, the weight can be the reason I don't get pregnant BUT if I lose the weight and I still don't get pregnant then it is my fault I'm not getting pregnant. And guess what? That is exactly how I feel! If I can blame it on something else I'm better than if it is ME! Does that make sense?

Anyway, a month ago I wrote to one of the local TV news reporters on our local NBC station and suggested a story be done on Infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. Then I didn't think about it anymore. Then I got an email from one of the producers and they wanted to do the story but it would have to be after "the" week.....and they wanted me to be a part of it. So we finally set it up.

Monday is the day that I will be on WSFA's Alabama Live discussing infertility. I hope I do well. I'm sure I will. I'm going to memorize some facts this weekend about infertility and PCOS so that I can be prepared just in case Kim asks me. I emailed her my story today. Below is a copy of what I wrote. i did this so she would know my story ahead of time and would be able to pull questions from my experience to ask me. I just hope I don't get so nervous that I freeze. Anyway, here is my story...short and sweet.

My Story:

In 1995 at the age of 23, while married to my ex husband, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which causes me not to ovulate and have regular cycles. I basically was told to lose weight and then I would get pregnant. That didn't happen. We divorced in 1998. I met my new husband in 2002 and we married in 2004. We knew from the beginning that it would take a while for us to get pregnant but treatments had changed dramatically between the six years I had divorced and remarried, so we had hope and still do.

We began trying to conceive in August 2005. We were referred to a fertility doctor in Birmingham by my doctor on base. After almost a year of trying and 3 failed Intrauterine Insemination's or IUI's we decided to take a break. Our break lasted a year. Then last fall, while in the Galleria in Birmingham I saw an advertisement for the ART Fertility Program of Alabama. I wrote the phone number down and then called them to see if they accepted my insurance, which they did. The receptionist gave me the web address and I scoured the site to find out everything I could about them. There were two things that drew my husband and I to this fertility program; the fact that there was a satellite office in Montgomery so we wouldn't have to drive back and forth to Birmingham all the time AND one of the doctors had published research on diagnosis and fertility treatment of polycystic ovarian syndrome in the journal Fertility and Sterility. I knew right then and there I had found my doctor!

In February of this year we began our treatments with Dr. Allemand at the ART Fertility Program which is based out of Brookwood Medical Center in Birmingham. Although we have yet to have a successful outcome, we continue to have hope and Dr. Allemand is very encouraging. We have received wonderful treatment from the staff at the office here in Montgomery as well as the main office in Birmingham. We meet with Dr. Allemand via Video Conference to discuss our treatments, which keeps my husband from having to take off work to go to Birmingham. The convenience of having ART in town relieves part of the stress that accompanies the fertility treatment process and I wouldn't trade these doctors and nurses for anything in the world. This time around we have had two IUI's and two failed cycles. Currently I'm preparing for the next step in medications which will be injectables. To reduce my chance of multiples I have a goal weight I'm trying to achieve so that my dosage will not have to be as high. My doctor is confident that we will be able to achieve a pregnancy, it is just a matter of getting to my goal weight and going from there.

Besides the actual trying to conceive there is the emotional side of everything. I have always known that I would be a mom but no one ever told me the journey to get there would be this difficult. As a woman I feel out of sync with the rest of the world sometimes. How I deal with this emotional rollarcoaster changes day to day. If it is not the medications that are loaded with hormones affecting my mood then it is the depression that plagues me. Sometimes I find it hard to be happy for the people I love when they have children, yet I put on a happy face for their sake and then I grieve in private for the one thing that I want the most, "MY CHILD". I truly want to be happy for those around me that have children it is just that some days it is hard when it seems everyone is pregnant except for me. The one thing that helps me through is my faith in God, although I sometimes even struggle with this. That is why I sought out a local support group to help me through some of this emotional and spiritual struggle that I go through with the infertility issues. Knowing there is someone that totally understands where I am helps get me through all of this. And as some of my online friends say, "It does not matter how many children I have, I will always know the pain of Infertility." Whether I become a mom by conceiving and giving birth to my own child or adopting a child, I will be a mom one day. We just aren't ready to give up on our fertility treatments yet. When the time comes we will know and although it will be tough, at least we will know that we did everything we could.

A trend on TLC's Baby shows

So the past two days I've not been feeling the greatest. I have been watching a lot of TV and not just my soap operas that I've gotten back into since being unemployed. Yesterday I found myself watching "Bringing Home Baby", the show on TLC. The couple they were following had TTC for years and after 6 failed artificial inseminations and 4 IVF cycles, they became pregnant. I cried as I watched the show because I know what it is like to want something as much as they wanted their daughter!

THEN today I was watching "A Baby Story" and the couple was pregnant with twins....they already had a 5 year old and 2 year old. As the show progressed the mom starts talking about how she has PCOS and the only way she has ever been able to get pregnant was by taking Clomid....that is how all of the children were conceived. She said that her doc always warned her there was a chance for twins but she never let it worry her. Then with the last pregnancy she conceived twins. They ended up being a boy and girl. Of course I cried during this one too.

After that show went off, "Bringing Home Baby" came on. I ended up watching both shows because they both followed couples dealing with infertility! Go figure! The first couple had a set of twins that were conceived through IVF, but were surprised when the wife got pregnant with no medical assistance with the new baby. That was a wonderful and encouraging story to hear. The second couple has also dealt with years of infertility and then finally conceived through IVF. They brought home beautiful baby girls. I really bawled my eyes out during this one because the wife got emotional talking about how everyone had waited so long for the girls.

I so want to be one of these couples!!!! I pray for the day that my time arrives. Seeing these stories though, especially the one with the lady who has PCOS, truly gives me hope and keeps me looking to the end of this journey. Although, this journey will never really end, because infertility will always be a part of me!

Another sign in front of a random church

Every once in a while I pass a church that has a sign out front that says something very profound. It is amazing how sometimes what is said is so fitting for the mood I'm in or my situation at the time. Today's sign said, "Patience is Trusting in God's Timing". WOW! I read this coming out of a job interview. This job has sounded very promising when I read the add for it, but once I found out what the job was, well, not so much what it is but the hours, I knew I couldn't take it if I were offered it. It is working with young girls with self injurious behaviors, in a transitional group home. After this placement they will go into a foster home. The job would be a wonderful opportunity to work with a group that I haven't worked with in the past, but the hours would keep me from having any time with my DH! We are just getting back to where we need to be in our relationship, so I don't want to jeopardize that. So I will take the words posted on that church sign today and "TRUST IN GOD'S TIMING" not only in the area of a job, but in going back to school and TTCing. It is amazing how one simple sentence can help you face another day with peace and patience!

93 degrees is not always the same!

My hubby and I just got home from our vacation in North Dakota with his family. While we were there we experienced some warm days and some cool days......waking up to 50 degree weather and at the most getting up to 93 degrees with most days being in the mid 80's. One day the temp was 93 degrees and the following day the high was 73, it was just WONDERFUL!

In North Dakota, 93 degrees is nothing like what that would feel like here at home in Alabama. I was born and raised in south Alabama, so I should be used to the heat and humidity. Well, I'm here to tell you....after two weeks of literally NO HUMIDITY.....there is not and will never be anything like Alabama in the summer. The 93 degrees we felt in North Dakota was BEAUTIFUL! It was a gorgeous day with a breeze blowing and although the temp was 93, you didn't sweat, AT ALL!!! The day after we came home to Alabama, it was 93 degrees.....it was HUMID, HOT and I WAS SWEATY!!! I want the North Dakota weather back!