I will start off on a positive note, I have lost 5 pounds towards my first 35 pound goal! And I completed the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk today in Memory of my friend Robyn and in honor of several others who have battled this horrible disease. 3 miles of walking and I didn't sit down once, which was an accomplishment for me, cause I'm a big girl :) I did good!
So the closer to the end of the year the more down in the dumps I get. Here it is the early morning of Halloween and where am I in my infertility journey? About 100 steps behind where I was a year ago! Or so it seems. First the wreck and then the move. I swore to myself I would not go another Christmas without being a mommy and here it is sneaking up on me and do I have a child to buy for, nope.
What is the point? Sometimes I so want to just throw in the towel and say I give up, I'm done. But then I remember how badly I want a child and I just can't give up yet. My desire to be a mom is so great I just don't know what to do with this energy that I have bottled up inside of me! I have no outlet for it! Right now I am packing and getting ready for our move into the new house. That is taking a lot of my time, but it also gives me more time to think that I care for. I'd rather just crawl under the covers and stay in bed until it all just magically all goes away! Can I do that please? Is there someone who can make that happen? Does someone have a magic lamp I can wish one or a genie I can use a wish up on?
I know God must be tired of hearing my prayers over and over. They always turn out the same so lately I've just been say, "Ok God, you know the prayer, so can you help a sister out please?" I just don't know what to pray anymore. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH AND TRUST GOD & HIS TIMING BUT IT HURTS AND I DON"T HAVE THE STRENGTH SOME DAYS TO FIGHT!!! WHY is it so difficult? WHY???
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
On the Rollercoaster again
It has been over a year since my last post and much has happened. I am going to be making an effort to post more frequently, mostly because I need an outlet for this crazy thing I call my life, but also so I can update anyone who used to follow me or begins to follow my story now.
Last March, I went to work out of town so we took a long break from our TTCing. I worked down in Orange Beach, Alabama for my old boss, teaching preschool. Most days I spent my lunch break sitting at the beach in my car reading a book, or just listening to the music of the waves, people and seagulls. Growing up on the Gulf, the beach is were I find my peace and serenity. I stayed with my dad while I was down there. It was nice getting to spend time with my dad but I really missed being home. In reality I missed 7 months of married life because of this, but we needed the money. My last week of work was Labor Day week. We went out of town for the weekend and on Tuesday I headed back down to the coast for my last 4 days of work. On the way down some kids pulled out in front of me and I t-boned them. I was going 50mph when this happened so needless to say, my car was totalled and so was the kids. He ended up with a broken hip and I ended up with major neck and shoulder issues. We were due to start back with our fertility treatments in October so that got put on the back burner. Since September I have been battling pain in my neck, shoulder, chest, upper back and left arm. I have other issues but no one seems to be able to tell me if they are a direct result of the wreck....but until the then I never had trouble. I won't go into too much detail about that because that might be TMI!
So here we are in April already. We are in the middle of a cycle right now. I am CD 21 and have been having pain in my lower right ovary area. I did have the remnants of a cyst at the beginning of this cycle so I don't know if that is why or maybe we got lucky and it is implantation pain :D I highly doubt it, but you never know. We didn't do an IUI this month because we had to pay taxes with the money we thought we were going to have for the IUI....so I have to call my doc and explain to him why we didn't do it. But next month we are going to try another cycle, this time hopefully with clomid and follistim. My weight is still an issue but I'm going to try very hard the next few weeks to get a little off. With us moving I really want to do another cycle with Dr. Allemand. I am really going to miss having him as my doc. I am so worried that another doc won't be as sincere and concerned as he is and the staff at the Montgomery office is. I HATE MOVING!!! Damn the military! Well, I will just have to pray for a good doc...one that will keep going the direction of the Doc. of my dreams!
Last March, I went to work out of town so we took a long break from our TTCing. I worked down in Orange Beach, Alabama for my old boss, teaching preschool. Most days I spent my lunch break sitting at the beach in my car reading a book, or just listening to the music of the waves, people and seagulls. Growing up on the Gulf, the beach is were I find my peace and serenity. I stayed with my dad while I was down there. It was nice getting to spend time with my dad but I really missed being home. In reality I missed 7 months of married life because of this, but we needed the money. My last week of work was Labor Day week. We went out of town for the weekend and on Tuesday I headed back down to the coast for my last 4 days of work. On the way down some kids pulled out in front of me and I t-boned them. I was going 50mph when this happened so needless to say, my car was totalled and so was the kids. He ended up with a broken hip and I ended up with major neck and shoulder issues. We were due to start back with our fertility treatments in October so that got put on the back burner. Since September I have been battling pain in my neck, shoulder, chest, upper back and left arm. I have other issues but no one seems to be able to tell me if they are a direct result of the wreck....but until the then I never had trouble. I won't go into too much detail about that because that might be TMI!
So here we are in April already. We are in the middle of a cycle right now. I am CD 21 and have been having pain in my lower right ovary area. I did have the remnants of a cyst at the beginning of this cycle so I don't know if that is why or maybe we got lucky and it is implantation pain :D I highly doubt it, but you never know. We didn't do an IUI this month because we had to pay taxes with the money we thought we were going to have for the IUI....so I have to call my doc and explain to him why we didn't do it. But next month we are going to try another cycle, this time hopefully with clomid and follistim. My weight is still an issue but I'm going to try very hard the next few weeks to get a little off. With us moving I really want to do another cycle with Dr. Allemand. I am really going to miss having him as my doc. I am so worried that another doc won't be as sincere and concerned as he is and the staff at the Montgomery office is. I HATE MOVING!!! Damn the military! Well, I will just have to pray for a good doc...one that will keep going the direction of the Doc. of my dreams!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Another sign in front of a random church
Every once in a while I pass a church that has a sign out front that says something very profound. It is amazing how sometimes what is said is so fitting for the mood I'm in or my situation at the time. Today's sign said, "Patience is Trusting in God's Timing". WOW! I read this coming out of a job interview. This job has sounded very promising when I read the add for it, but once I found out what the job was, well, not so much what it is but the hours, I knew I couldn't take it if I were offered it. It is working with young girls with self injurious behaviors, in a transitional group home. After this placement they will go into a foster home. The job would be a wonderful opportunity to work with a group that I haven't worked with in the past, but the hours would keep me from having any time with my DH! We are just getting back to where we need to be in our relationship, so I don't want to jeopardize that. So I will take the words posted on that church sign today and "TRUST IN GOD'S TIMING" not only in the area of a job, but in going back to school and TTCing. It is amazing how one simple sentence can help you face another day with peace and patience!
Monday, March 24, 2008
On to a second cycle
Well, I haven't posted since my very first one....it has been quite a month. Our IUI was unsuccessful last month. Kinda disappointing however, I really didn't think it had worked....but I remained hopeful. Well, our doc started me on a new medication, Femara. I took it CD 5-7 and now it is CD 12. I have to do an OPK tonight and hopefully we will have another IUI in a few days. So, we will see what happens this time.
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