Feeling a bit out of sorts....

I will start off on a positive note, I have lost 5 pounds towards my first 35 pound goal! And I completed the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk today in Memory of my friend Robyn and in honor of several others who have battled this horrible disease. 3 miles of walking and I didn't sit down once, which was an accomplishment for me, cause I'm a big girl :) I did good!

So the closer to the end of the year the more down in the dumps I get.  Here it is the early morning of Halloween and where am I in my infertility journey?  About 100 steps behind where I was a year ago! Or so it seems.  First the wreck and then the move.  I swore to myself I would not go another Christmas without being a mommy and here it is sneaking up on me and do I have a child to buy for, nope. 

What is the point?  Sometimes I so want to just throw in the towel and say I give up, I'm done.  But then I remember how badly I want a child and I just can't give up yet.  My desire to be a mom is so great I just don't know what to do with this energy that I have bottled up inside of me! I have no outlet for it!  Right now I am packing and getting ready for our move into the new house.  That is taking a lot of my time, but it also gives me more time to think that I care for. I'd rather just crawl under the covers and stay in bed until it all just magically all goes away! Can I do that please?  Is there someone who can make that happen? Does someone have a magic lamp I can wish one or a genie I can use a wish up on?

I know God must be tired of hearing my prayers over and over.  They always turn out the same so lately I've just been say, "Ok God, you know the prayer, so can you help a sister out please?"  I just don't know what to pray anymore.  I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH AND TRUST GOD & HIS TIMING BUT IT HURTS AND I DON"T HAVE THE STRENGTH SOME DAYS TO FIGHT!!!  WHY is it so difficult?  WHY???

Catching up

So much has happened since I blogged last.  Right after Mother's Day my friend Robyn, who was battling breast cancer, lost her battle.  She is now an angel watching over us all.  Her funeral was sereal.  Her babies and hubby miss her and her mom is lost without her.  I can't imagine what they are all going through.  I pray for this family each day.  I pray that a cure is found so that someday those little girls won't have to worry that they might suffer the same fate as their mom.  Little MM and MC may the Lord watch over you and proctect you both!

In June my DH and I made our big move to Florida, compliments of the United States Air Force.  Florida is nice and besides the drama that we have had surround our purchase of a home, we are liking the area.  I will be glad when we are finally through with closing on the house so I can paint and make it ours.  It just doesn't feel like home yet, but it will.  I know it will.

As far as the TTCing goes. We are on a break because of the move.  I turned 38 last month and I guess it really hit me that I really am running out of time.  Especially after my 20th High School Class Reunion this summer also.  So I am taking the next step on this journey....a big on for me.  I made an appointment with the HAWC...the Health and Wellness Center.  I met with an Exercise Physiologist.  She asked me why I wanted the help in losing weight and I told her because more than anything I want to be a mom and to reach that goal I have to lose weight.  She gave me a prescription for 30 minutes of exercise a day for the next 3 weeks.  I am to start off exercising 10 mins 3 times a day.  If that is to easy then I do it 2 times a day for 15 mins each, then move on to 30 mins once a day.  I also went in for a BodPod assessment.  If you have never had this done then look it up.  It is really cool.  It took less than a minute.  They were able to tell me what percentage of my body is fat and what my resting metabolic rate is.  Let's just say...I have a long way to go, but I'm going to start with small goals at a time.  So my first goal is 10% of my body weight.  So I will keep my progress posted.

So that is where I am right now. A new city, a new house, looking for a new doc and starting a new journey with my weight loss.  I'm looking forward to what the future holds for the first time in a very long time!

Mother's Day

For a woman who experiences the pain of infertility, Mother's Day can be a pretty sad occasion.  Instead of counting years I have been trying to conceive I count how many Mother's Days I have gone childless...if you count the years I tried with my ex-husband I am on 14 now.  That includes the years that I was single, cause although I was single I still longed for that child and grieved for the children that I didn't have with my ex. 

Yesterday was overall a pretty good day, if you don't count that fact that I got wished Happy Mother's Day by people in my own family who know I'm not a mom.  Maybe they did it because I am a Step-mom.  Who knows.  My mother always acknowledges me on Mother's Day but she always has to add the "Step" in the card....I guess to make me feel better.When my mother-in-law was alive she always wished my Happy Mother's day but would say...Because you are a second mom  to "B",  my stepson.  I only had one stranger wish me a Happy Mother's Day and that was in a restaurant on Friday....so I lucked up there. I hate it when people just assume you are a mother! I skipped church yesterday because of the usually Mother's Day stuff and all the kids there with their moms. Just couldn't take it this year.  I did however read several great wishes from friends online this year that have been where I am now, but were celebrating their first Mother's Day.  They made sure and acknowledged those of us still waiting for our little miracles.  One day (sigh)....   My hubby, for the second year in a row has bought me a single rose...this year it was a red one.  He doesn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day, he just gives it to me and tells me that he loves me.  That is all I need and I feel better, because I think he finally understands what I go through emotionally.

So brings me to the sad part of Mother's Day.  I have a High School friend who is losing her battle with Metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  On Saturday, Mother's Day Eve, an organization called "Let There Be Mom" came to Birmingham, Alabama (where Robyn lives) from South Carolina.  They help families preserve the memory of a parent who is losing their battle to a disease.  They spent the whole day with the family, and although I do not know what they did, I'm sure they did a great job and there will be much for her two young daughters to hold on to as they grow up with their mom in Heaven.  Anyway, yesterday, which was Mother's Day, should have been a happy time for the family.  Spending what might be Robyn's last Mother's Day together, however she had to taken to the hospital and was admitted.  As of this morning the family was told that is was only a matter of days before she closes her eyes one final time. Next year the girls will not have their mommy to celebrate with...but they will have their grandmother.  Robyn's mother was with her yesterday, for that I am thankful.  As a mother, I'm glad Ms. S has a final Mother's Day memory with her only daughter, although it isn't a very happy memory...at least they were together.  So as I have been contemplating Mother's Day and all it encompasses, I think things could be worse.  I cannot imagine what my friend and her family are going through right now, and feel somewhat selfish that I had my "Oh Woe Is Me Pity Party" yesterday.  I thankfully still have my mom and she still has me.  So if you are reading this, take the time to Thank our Father above for the time you have with your mom and if you are a mom with your children.  Never let anyone doubt what you felt about them. And if you are feeling really down and low about something going on in your life, just remember there are worse thing out there happening to people who really don't deserve it. 

Please pray for my friend Robyn, her husband, her two young daughters, her mother, her brothers and all of her other family and friends as they say goodbye and watch another ANGEL get her WINGS!  We love you Robyn!  Because I knew you....I have been changed for Good!  Thanks for letting me call you my friend.