My Joys and Sorrows Part 1

I am going to have to do this in a couple of parts because I know I will never be able to catch up all my thoughts and my goings on in one sit down and blog session.  Too much has happened, so I'll do what I can tonight and then do the rest tomorrow...or should I say, later today. 

Two weeks before Thanksgiving my DH and I closed on our first home and one week before Thanksgiving moved in.  With the help of my wonderful mother I was able to host a small group of people from DH's class on base for Thanksgiving, since they didn't have anywhere else to go.  I was happy to help and enjoyed the day immensely!  Slowly but surely our house is coming together and we are settling in. Finally I am feeling settled and I feel like I am "Home".

During this time however I have really dreaded the end of the year.  Thanksgiving means that Christmas is not far behind and then the New year which means another year has started with me not being a mother.  My self imposed pity party started fairly early....reference my two previous posts.  I just dread the end of the year because I look back and think, "What have I accomplished?  NOTHING!"

With the end of this year came not only my self pity and depressing thoughts of how I wasn't a mother yet, but two baby showers....one of which I found out at the last minute wasn't just for one person, but was for 3 people!  Yep, 3 pregnant people at the same time and I was expected to go and put on a happy face and enjoy myself!  Oh and did I mention that I was supposed to make the cake for this baby shower?  I volunteered to make the cake when it was supposed to be for just the one person I knew, then they threw in the other 2 people and didn't even bother to offer to pay me for the cake....hmmm, how rude!  This was preceded by a shower for a close friend of mine who told me last May that they were thinking about trying to get pregnant again and she got pregnant the first time out.  I love her to death but envy her more than she will ever know.  I just couldn't go to her shower either, no matter how hard I tried.  My heart and mind couldn't stand up to the task or the test of going.  I felt very guilty but I had to do it as a self preservation tactic.

In the midst of all this I continued to think of how depressing it was that another Christmas was coming and I wasn't expecting or I didn't have a child.  My DH and I actually started talking about looking into Foster care and adoption after the first of the year.  I had even found a little girl who is 6 who needs a home that we were considering fostering and/or adopting possibly. 

But then on December 17th we got thrown a curve ball.  For a couple of weeks I had been thinking my cycle was going to start.  My breasts had been a little tender and I had spotted some, but AF never showed.  Something just told me to POAS so I did and SURPRISE!  I got a BFP!!!  The first one I have ever gotten!!  I was in total shock.  The plus sign popped up very quickly.  I stared at it in disbelief!  I thought to myself...I have a digital.  Gotta get the digital.  So I got up, got it and tested again.  That was the longest 30 seconds of my life but the word I longed to see show up did, "Pregnant".  I broke out into hysterics.  My DH thought I was having a panic attack and rushed into the bathroom.  I just shoved both tests in his face.  He looks at them and says, "Well, how did that happen?"  LOL  How did it happen?  Really?  That is all you can ask?  We have not worked with a doc since February or March really and it happens naturally when we least expect it.  Next thing DH says is, "Well, I guess you really have to get a job now." Not what you really want to hear after trying to get pregnant for 5 years.  If I could have killed him right then and there I would have.  That hurt me more than he will ever know.  The total joy of the moment left me and I felt sadness that I was carrying this child inside me.  HOW COULD I BE SAD??????  BUT I WAS!!!  AND I FELT HORRIBLE ALL BECAUSE OF MY INSENSITIVE HUSBAND!!!!!  What the hell was I supposed to feel now?!

I called the clinic and found out what I was supposed to do, then I called my cousin because I needed to talk to someone.  The rest of the day was surreal and happened almost in slow motion.  It should have been a day of joy and happiness yet I couldn't be happy because all I could think about was what my DH had said about me getting a job.  We eventually talked about it and he apologized for saying what he did but the damage was already done.  Can't take back the moment of finding out you are expecting your first child and how you react to it.  wish you could but you can't.  Anyway, we managed to find some happiness and we were cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy after it was confirmed and we were given the EDD of Aug. 7, 2011.  However our joy was short lived.....

Where is Time Going and When Will it be My TIme?

So this past July I had my 20th High School Class Reunion.  There are several of us in my class who do not have children yet.  However, having only been out of school 20 years, we also already have classmates who are Grandparents!  Which brings me to what I am writing about tonight. 

I saw on Facebook tonight where another of my classmates is going to be a grandmother as of today.  3 hours ago she was still at the hospital waiting for news of the birth of her grandson.  This wouldn't have bothered me much except that she and I were born 3 days apart.  Her and her mother were released from the hospital the afternoon on the day I was born, so technically she and I were in the nursery together for a few short hours.  I know this may sound weird but it just makes me feel like I am totally missing out on something here.  She is the same age as I and her child is already making her a grandmother. Now granted we are only 38, and I think her daughter is only 18 but still....I just can't seem to wrap my head around the thought that If I have a child, it will be younger than the grandchild of my classmate who is the same age!  Why am I made to wait to be a mom when others around me are becoming grandmothers?  Why am I made to wait to be a mom when there are others around me who don't take care of the kids they have or really want the kids they have, yet they keep having them?!?!?!  I just want to know why? When will it be MY TIME?

UGG...I just hate all this waiting and not knowing.  I have just really been having some bad days lately.  AF decided to finally show.  I was starting to get a little hopeful since I was a week late but I think stress is what caused that delay.  I have been in so much pain the past couple of days.  My cramps are getting so much worse with my cycles.  I have never had this much trouble before.  I am definitely going to say something to the doc next time I go in.  I'm thinking that maybe they need to check me for Endo, since that has never been done. I just can't wait to finally get into my new doc so we can get started with everything again.  We have to or I am going to go insane...really!

Anyway, still plugging along with my healthy eating.  Haven't been walking this week due to the weather but I'm packing up the house getting ready for our move into our new house so that has to count for something.  Just as long as the scale shows a difference that is all that matters. 

Ramblings at 2am

So we are building a house. There is just DH and I, except for every other weekend when my DSS "B" comes to visit.  This house we are building is a 4 bedroom...yes, a 4 bedroom.  We have so much stuff and I am just tired of having to "find" places to put things that I wanted enough room.  Plus with us trying to get pregnant I wanted us to have enough room to "GROW" into our family. So one room of course will be B's room, one will be a guest room and the other room will be our office/library/future baby's room.  While I was on my girls cruise, B was down visiting his maternal grandparents who live close to us, so DH took him to see the new house.  Well, B decided which room was going to be his....because it was the "biggest" of the 3 extra rooms.  Other than the Master Bedroom, all the bedrooms are the same size.  I had already decided which rooms I was going to give B a choice between and the room he chose was not one of them but my DH doesn't agree with what I have in mind.  I really think I should have a say as to which room MY FUTURE CHILD goes in! Shouldn't I? I don't want to be switching rooms around 6 months or 12 months or however long it takes for us to conceive or adopt!  Is that wrong?

How stupid is it that I laid in bed tonight letting this worry me?  But for the life of me I could not get it out of my mind.  We went to the house today and I sat down on the floor in the room I want to put MY child in and I dreamed of what that room would be like with a crib in it and toys on the floor. And all those things that make it a child's room. I could almost hear the soft in and out of breaths from a tiny body and smell the smell that can only be described as "baby". So now I have to either be the bad guy or be the bigger person and let B have the room he wants, while all the time wishing it were MY child's room. This is me just being selfish but this will be my house and B will only be there a minimum amount of time.  He is 15 now and in 9th grade, so he doesn't have much longer at home and he lives with his mom in another state the majority of the time.  I just don't know what to do.

On a different note, I met with my Exercise Physiologist this past week.  We have added some strength training exercises that I can do at home to my "workout routine". They use my own body weight so I don't need anything special.  I can also go to the gym and use the machines if I want to and get the same workout just to change it up a bit.  I also met with the dietitian this week.  So now I have all my tools to get started.  I have no excuses at all!  I am going to make up a meal plan and exercise plan and follow it!  My goals are going to be little to start...10% at a time.  So Monday starts my new lifestyle.  Hope I can do it.  I just have to keep remember WHY I AM DOING IT!!!  FOR THE CHANCE AT BEING A MOMMY!!!

Catching up

So much has happened since I blogged last.  Right after Mother's Day my friend Robyn, who was battling breast cancer, lost her battle.  She is now an angel watching over us all.  Her funeral was sereal.  Her babies and hubby miss her and her mom is lost without her.  I can't imagine what they are all going through.  I pray for this family each day.  I pray that a cure is found so that someday those little girls won't have to worry that they might suffer the same fate as their mom.  Little MM and MC may the Lord watch over you and proctect you both!

In June my DH and I made our big move to Florida, compliments of the United States Air Force.  Florida is nice and besides the drama that we have had surround our purchase of a home, we are liking the area.  I will be glad when we are finally through with closing on the house so I can paint and make it ours.  It just doesn't feel like home yet, but it will.  I know it will.

As far as the TTCing goes. We are on a break because of the move.  I turned 38 last month and I guess it really hit me that I really am running out of time.  Especially after my 20th High School Class Reunion this summer also.  So I am taking the next step on this journey....a big on for me.  I made an appointment with the HAWC...the Health and Wellness Center.  I met with an Exercise Physiologist.  She asked me why I wanted the help in losing weight and I told her because more than anything I want to be a mom and to reach that goal I have to lose weight.  She gave me a prescription for 30 minutes of exercise a day for the next 3 weeks.  I am to start off exercising 10 mins 3 times a day.  If that is to easy then I do it 2 times a day for 15 mins each, then move on to 30 mins once a day.  I also went in for a BodPod assessment.  If you have never had this done then look it up.  It is really cool.  It took less than a minute.  They were able to tell me what percentage of my body is fat and what my resting metabolic rate is.  Let's just say...I have a long way to go, but I'm going to start with small goals at a time.  So my first goal is 10% of my body weight.  So I will keep my progress posted.

So that is where I am right now. A new city, a new house, looking for a new doc and starting a new journey with my weight loss.  I'm looking forward to what the future holds for the first time in a very long time!