Ramblings at 2am

So we are building a house. There is just DH and I, except for every other weekend when my DSS "B" comes to visit.  This house we are building is a 4 bedroom...yes, a 4 bedroom.  We have so much stuff and I am just tired of having to "find" places to put things that I wanted enough room.  Plus with us trying to get pregnant I wanted us to have enough room to "GROW" into our family. So one room of course will be B's room, one will be a guest room and the other room will be our office/library/future baby's room.  While I was on my girls cruise, B was down visiting his maternal grandparents who live close to us, so DH took him to see the new house.  Well, B decided which room was going to be his....because it was the "biggest" of the 3 extra rooms.  Other than the Master Bedroom, all the bedrooms are the same size.  I had already decided which rooms I was going to give B a choice between and the room he chose was not one of them but my DH doesn't agree with what I have in mind.  I really think I should have a say as to which room MY FUTURE CHILD goes in! Shouldn't I? I don't want to be switching rooms around 6 months or 12 months or however long it takes for us to conceive or adopt!  Is that wrong?

How stupid is it that I laid in bed tonight letting this worry me?  But for the life of me I could not get it out of my mind.  We went to the house today and I sat down on the floor in the room I want to put MY child in and I dreamed of what that room would be like with a crib in it and toys on the floor. And all those things that make it a child's room. I could almost hear the soft in and out of breaths from a tiny body and smell the smell that can only be described as "baby". So now I have to either be the bad guy or be the bigger person and let B have the room he wants, while all the time wishing it were MY child's room. This is me just being selfish but this will be my house and B will only be there a minimum amount of time.  He is 15 now and in 9th grade, so he doesn't have much longer at home and he lives with his mom in another state the majority of the time.  I just don't know what to do.

On a different note, I met with my Exercise Physiologist this past week.  We have added some strength training exercises that I can do at home to my "workout routine". They use my own body weight so I don't need anything special.  I can also go to the gym and use the machines if I want to and get the same workout just to change it up a bit.  I also met with the dietitian this week.  So now I have all my tools to get started.  I have no excuses at all!  I am going to make up a meal plan and exercise plan and follow it!  My goals are going to be little to start...10% at a time.  So Monday starts my new lifestyle.  Hope I can do it.  I just have to keep remember WHY I AM DOING IT!!!  FOR THE CHANCE AT BEING A MOMMY!!!

A Time for Relaxing and Unexpected Blessings

So, I just got back from a 4 day cruise. It was a girls getaway.  I got a lot of alone time with God and lots of time just to relax and not think about all the stresses in my life.  Of course the stresses crept in some...the infertility, the house drama, etc.  But it was a well deserved trip.  Now I am home and life has to resume.  Too much good food on the trip set me back a little on my weight loss so I have to be careful over the next week.  I have a Wedding to do this weekend so I will be busy but hopefully will get my exercise in. 

Today had a Blessing thrown my way...one I wasn't expecting at all.  I have a cousin who is older than me.  She just became a grandmother for the 3rd time.  She told me today that she would be willing to carry and give birth to a child for me, if her doctor would clear her for it.  She still has cycles, she was divorced a few years ago and isn't with anyone right now and feels that this is something she would love to do for us if she is able.  I was totally shocked!  I have had people in the past tell me that they would be willing to carry a child for me but I have never truly believed them, but I know that J is very serious.  I think this is something that I have to seriously consider.  I will be praying about it for sure.  J also said something very interesting today that I have been thinking about.  We have been in the process of buying a house and the deal fell through last week only two days before closing, well, we decided we had enough and we are building a house...well, it was already started.....and we should be able to move in sometime in November.  Anyway, J said, "Maybe God has just been waiting for you to get your nest ready."  Something more to ponder on :D

Much to think about and be thankful for today.  God is so good and I know he has something wonderful planned for us.

What If ....A video from an Infertility Advocate

Here is a video from an Infertility Advocate called "What If".  There are many "What If's" in the world of Infertility.  I will throw my own what if in....what if I lose the weight I need to and I still don't get pregnant.  What if I keep trying to get pregnant and then when we decide it is time to move on to adoption they tell me I'm too old?  I could go on and on.....



What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What We Would Give to Be Moms

So when I lived in Montgomery, I visited two different infertility support groups.  I thought they would help but I never felt very comfortable going.  It just wasn't like expected. I really enjoyed the ladies that were a part of the group but maybe at the time I wasn't really ready to take on my infertility as much as I thought I was.  I don't know.  Anyway, I still keep up with many of the ladies and get prayer requests from them via email.  Today I got an email from one of the groups.  There is a think going around Facebook about Mothers.  People post it in their status.  Here it is......

"To all the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon haircuts for pony tails, long showers for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and wouldn't change a thing. Lets see how many moms post this. Moms who don't care about whatever they gave up and instead LOVE what they got in return. Post this if you love your life as a Mother."

For those of us who struggle to become moms, reading this can be hard.  We would give anything for this simple paragraph to pertain to us.....but for so many of us it still doesn't.  So one of the ladies of the Infertility support group came up with her own version of this in honor of those of us who still struggle on our path to Motherhood.  Here is her version......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who traded flat stomachs for bruised and bloated ones, romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a refrigerator full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches and hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, and wouldn’t change a thing… because every one of these trade offs is a CHANCE at Motherhood. Woman who don’t care about whatever they gave up and instead risk everything for the hope of something wonderful in return. Post THIS if you’d do anything to become a Mother."

This version was too long to post in my status on Facebook plus me being a Plus Size Mommy-in-Waiting, the "flat stomach for bruised and bloated ones" just didn't fit for me either so I took A's version and tweaked it a little to fit me as well as the FB status field.  Here is my version of this......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who have traded romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a bathroom full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches & hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, & wouldn’t change a thing. Woman who don’t care about what they gave up & instead PRAY and HOPE for a chance at MOTHERHOOD! Post THIS if you’d do anything to be a MOTHER!"

Catching up

So much has happened since I blogged last.  Right after Mother's Day my friend Robyn, who was battling breast cancer, lost her battle.  She is now an angel watching over us all.  Her funeral was sereal.  Her babies and hubby miss her and her mom is lost without her.  I can't imagine what they are all going through.  I pray for this family each day.  I pray that a cure is found so that someday those little girls won't have to worry that they might suffer the same fate as their mom.  Little MM and MC may the Lord watch over you and proctect you both!

In June my DH and I made our big move to Florida, compliments of the United States Air Force.  Florida is nice and besides the drama that we have had surround our purchase of a home, we are liking the area.  I will be glad when we are finally through with closing on the house so I can paint and make it ours.  It just doesn't feel like home yet, but it will.  I know it will.

As far as the TTCing goes. We are on a break because of the move.  I turned 38 last month and I guess it really hit me that I really am running out of time.  Especially after my 20th High School Class Reunion this summer also.  So I am taking the next step on this journey....a big on for me.  I made an appointment with the HAWC...the Health and Wellness Center.  I met with an Exercise Physiologist.  She asked me why I wanted the help in losing weight and I told her because more than anything I want to be a mom and to reach that goal I have to lose weight.  She gave me a prescription for 30 minutes of exercise a day for the next 3 weeks.  I am to start off exercising 10 mins 3 times a day.  If that is to easy then I do it 2 times a day for 15 mins each, then move on to 30 mins once a day.  I also went in for a BodPod assessment.  If you have never had this done then look it up.  It is really cool.  It took less than a minute.  They were able to tell me what percentage of my body is fat and what my resting metabolic rate is.  Let's just say...I have a long way to go, but I'm going to start with small goals at a time.  So my first goal is 10% of my body weight.  So I will keep my progress posted.

So that is where I am right now. A new city, a new house, looking for a new doc and starting a new journey with my weight loss.  I'm looking forward to what the future holds for the first time in a very long time!

Mother's Day

For a woman who experiences the pain of infertility, Mother's Day can be a pretty sad occasion.  Instead of counting years I have been trying to conceive I count how many Mother's Days I have gone childless...if you count the years I tried with my ex-husband I am on 14 now.  That includes the years that I was single, cause although I was single I still longed for that child and grieved for the children that I didn't have with my ex. 

Yesterday was overall a pretty good day, if you don't count that fact that I got wished Happy Mother's Day by people in my own family who know I'm not a mom.  Maybe they did it because I am a Step-mom.  Who knows.  My mother always acknowledges me on Mother's Day but she always has to add the "Step" in the card....I guess to make me feel better.When my mother-in-law was alive she always wished my Happy Mother's day but would say...Because you are a second mom  to "B",  my stepson.  I only had one stranger wish me a Happy Mother's Day and that was in a restaurant on Friday....so I lucked up there. I hate it when people just assume you are a mother! I skipped church yesterday because of the usually Mother's Day stuff and all the kids there with their moms. Just couldn't take it this year.  I did however read several great wishes from friends online this year that have been where I am now, but were celebrating their first Mother's Day.  They made sure and acknowledged those of us still waiting for our little miracles.  One day (sigh)....   My hubby, for the second year in a row has bought me a single rose...this year it was a red one.  He doesn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day, he just gives it to me and tells me that he loves me.  That is all I need and I feel better, because I think he finally understands what I go through emotionally.

So brings me to the sad part of Mother's Day.  I have a High School friend who is losing her battle with Metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  On Saturday, Mother's Day Eve, an organization called "Let There Be Mom" came to Birmingham, Alabama (where Robyn lives) from South Carolina.  They help families preserve the memory of a parent who is losing their battle to a disease.  They spent the whole day with the family, and although I do not know what they did, I'm sure they did a great job and there will be much for her two young daughters to hold on to as they grow up with their mom in Heaven.  Anyway, yesterday, which was Mother's Day, should have been a happy time for the family.  Spending what might be Robyn's last Mother's Day together, however she had to taken to the hospital and was admitted.  As of this morning the family was told that is was only a matter of days before she closes her eyes one final time. Next year the girls will not have their mommy to celebrate with...but they will have their grandmother.  Robyn's mother was with her yesterday, for that I am thankful.  As a mother, I'm glad Ms. S has a final Mother's Day memory with her only daughter, although it isn't a very happy memory...at least they were together.  So as I have been contemplating Mother's Day and all it encompasses, I think things could be worse.  I cannot imagine what my friend and her family are going through right now, and feel somewhat selfish that I had my "Oh Woe Is Me Pity Party" yesterday.  I thankfully still have my mom and she still has me.  So if you are reading this, take the time to Thank our Father above for the time you have with your mom and if you are a mom with your children.  Never let anyone doubt what you felt about them. And if you are feeling really down and low about something going on in your life, just remember there are worse thing out there happening to people who really don't deserve it. 

Please pray for my friend Robyn, her husband, her two young daughters, her mother, her brothers and all of her other family and friends as they say goodbye and watch another ANGEL get her WINGS!  We love you Robyn!  Because I knew you....I have been changed for Good!  Thanks for letting me call you my friend.

Cysts and Babies

So last week I was having terrible pain in my lower abdomen.  So I went into the doc and they did an ultrasound.  I had what looked like the remainder of a cyst on my right ovary and had a pretty big one on the left one too.  The one of the left was a corpus luteum cyst...or at least that is what they think it was since I was unable to go in for my trigger shot, follow up ultrasound to the one at the beginning of this cycle and didn't get the IUI done.  So I really messed up with this cycle.  Anyway, they did blood work and the PG test they did at that time was BFN...of course.  So now it is a waiting game to see if AF is going to start on her own. 

Last week I also dealt with some jealousy and longing that I haven't had in a while.  I went with my DH to buy a baby shower gift for a guy he works with and I had a little anxiety over it.  Sometimes it doesn't bother me...like when I am shopping for my niece that is expecting and my friend who is expecting her first baby.  I LOVE SHOPPING FOR THEM!  But other people, I have a difficult time with.  I have another family member that is expecting her second baby but with her I'm having trouble with too, because well, that is a long story.  Then my DH tells me tonight that the daughter of a friend of ours is expecting again...no tact, just says it. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!  GIVE ME AN F'in BREAK!!!  Mother's day is less than a week away...I DON"T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP!!!  This is a girl that I have know since she was like 14 who got pregnant at 16 married at 18 and is now having her 3rd kid!  I HATE THIS!