What We Would Give to Be Moms

So when I lived in Montgomery, I visited two different infertility support groups.  I thought they would help but I never felt very comfortable going.  It just wasn't like expected. I really enjoyed the ladies that were a part of the group but maybe at the time I wasn't really ready to take on my infertility as much as I thought I was.  I don't know.  Anyway, I still keep up with many of the ladies and get prayer requests from them via email.  Today I got an email from one of the groups.  There is a think going around Facebook about Mothers.  People post it in their status.  Here it is......

"To all the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon haircuts for pony tails, long showers for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and wouldn't change a thing. Lets see how many moms post this. Moms who don't care about whatever they gave up and instead LOVE what they got in return. Post this if you love your life as a Mother."

For those of us who struggle to become moms, reading this can be hard.  We would give anything for this simple paragraph to pertain to us.....but for so many of us it still doesn't.  So one of the ladies of the Infertility support group came up with her own version of this in honor of those of us who still struggle on our path to Motherhood.  Here is her version......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who traded flat stomachs for bruised and bloated ones, romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a refrigerator full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches and hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, and wouldn’t change a thing… because every one of these trade offs is a CHANCE at Motherhood. Woman who don’t care about whatever they gave up and instead risk everything for the hope of something wonderful in return. Post THIS if you’d do anything to become a Mother."

This version was too long to post in my status on Facebook plus me being a Plus Size Mommy-in-Waiting, the "flat stomach for bruised and bloated ones" just didn't fit for me either so I took A's version and tweaked it a little to fit me as well as the FB status field.  Here is my version of this......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who have traded romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a bathroom full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches & hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, & wouldn’t change a thing. Woman who don’t care about what they gave up & instead PRAY and HOPE for a chance at MOTHERHOOD! Post THIS if you’d do anything to be a MOTHER!"

Catching up

So much has happened since I blogged last.  Right after Mother's Day my friend Robyn, who was battling breast cancer, lost her battle.  She is now an angel watching over us all.  Her funeral was sereal.  Her babies and hubby miss her and her mom is lost without her.  I can't imagine what they are all going through.  I pray for this family each day.  I pray that a cure is found so that someday those little girls won't have to worry that they might suffer the same fate as their mom.  Little MM and MC may the Lord watch over you and proctect you both!

In June my DH and I made our big move to Florida, compliments of the United States Air Force.  Florida is nice and besides the drama that we have had surround our purchase of a home, we are liking the area.  I will be glad when we are finally through with closing on the house so I can paint and make it ours.  It just doesn't feel like home yet, but it will.  I know it will.

As far as the TTCing goes. We are on a break because of the move.  I turned 38 last month and I guess it really hit me that I really am running out of time.  Especially after my 20th High School Class Reunion this summer also.  So I am taking the next step on this journey....a big on for me.  I made an appointment with the HAWC...the Health and Wellness Center.  I met with an Exercise Physiologist.  She asked me why I wanted the help in losing weight and I told her because more than anything I want to be a mom and to reach that goal I have to lose weight.  She gave me a prescription for 30 minutes of exercise a day for the next 3 weeks.  I am to start off exercising 10 mins 3 times a day.  If that is to easy then I do it 2 times a day for 15 mins each, then move on to 30 mins once a day.  I also went in for a BodPod assessment.  If you have never had this done then look it up.  It is really cool.  It took less than a minute.  They were able to tell me what percentage of my body is fat and what my resting metabolic rate is.  Let's just say...I have a long way to go, but I'm going to start with small goals at a time.  So my first goal is 10% of my body weight.  So I will keep my progress posted.

So that is where I am right now. A new city, a new house, looking for a new doc and starting a new journey with my weight loss.  I'm looking forward to what the future holds for the first time in a very long time!

Mother's Day

For a woman who experiences the pain of infertility, Mother's Day can be a pretty sad occasion.  Instead of counting years I have been trying to conceive I count how many Mother's Days I have gone childless...if you count the years I tried with my ex-husband I am on 14 now.  That includes the years that I was single, cause although I was single I still longed for that child and grieved for the children that I didn't have with my ex. 

Yesterday was overall a pretty good day, if you don't count that fact that I got wished Happy Mother's Day by people in my own family who know I'm not a mom.  Maybe they did it because I am a Step-mom.  Who knows.  My mother always acknowledges me on Mother's Day but she always has to add the "Step" in the card....I guess to make me feel better.When my mother-in-law was alive she always wished my Happy Mother's day but would say...Because you are a second mom  to "B",  my stepson.  I only had one stranger wish me a Happy Mother's Day and that was in a restaurant on Friday....so I lucked up there. I hate it when people just assume you are a mother! I skipped church yesterday because of the usually Mother's Day stuff and all the kids there with their moms. Just couldn't take it this year.  I did however read several great wishes from friends online this year that have been where I am now, but were celebrating their first Mother's Day.  They made sure and acknowledged those of us still waiting for our little miracles.  One day (sigh)....   My hubby, for the second year in a row has bought me a single rose...this year it was a red one.  He doesn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day, he just gives it to me and tells me that he loves me.  That is all I need and I feel better, because I think he finally understands what I go through emotionally.

So brings me to the sad part of Mother's Day.  I have a High School friend who is losing her battle with Metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  On Saturday, Mother's Day Eve, an organization called "Let There Be Mom" came to Birmingham, Alabama (where Robyn lives) from South Carolina.  They help families preserve the memory of a parent who is losing their battle to a disease.  They spent the whole day with the family, and although I do not know what they did, I'm sure they did a great job and there will be much for her two young daughters to hold on to as they grow up with their mom in Heaven.  Anyway, yesterday, which was Mother's Day, should have been a happy time for the family.  Spending what might be Robyn's last Mother's Day together, however she had to taken to the hospital and was admitted.  As of this morning the family was told that is was only a matter of days before she closes her eyes one final time. Next year the girls will not have their mommy to celebrate with...but they will have their grandmother.  Robyn's mother was with her yesterday, for that I am thankful.  As a mother, I'm glad Ms. S has a final Mother's Day memory with her only daughter, although it isn't a very happy memory...at least they were together.  So as I have been contemplating Mother's Day and all it encompasses, I think things could be worse.  I cannot imagine what my friend and her family are going through right now, and feel somewhat selfish that I had my "Oh Woe Is Me Pity Party" yesterday.  I thankfully still have my mom and she still has me.  So if you are reading this, take the time to Thank our Father above for the time you have with your mom and if you are a mom with your children.  Never let anyone doubt what you felt about them. And if you are feeling really down and low about something going on in your life, just remember there are worse thing out there happening to people who really don't deserve it. 

Please pray for my friend Robyn, her husband, her two young daughters, her mother, her brothers and all of her other family and friends as they say goodbye and watch another ANGEL get her WINGS!  We love you Robyn!  Because I knew you....I have been changed for Good!  Thanks for letting me call you my friend.

Cysts and Babies

So last week I was having terrible pain in my lower abdomen.  So I went into the doc and they did an ultrasound.  I had what looked like the remainder of a cyst on my right ovary and had a pretty big one on the left one too.  The one of the left was a corpus luteum cyst...or at least that is what they think it was since I was unable to go in for my trigger shot, follow up ultrasound to the one at the beginning of this cycle and didn't get the IUI done.  So I really messed up with this cycle.  Anyway, they did blood work and the PG test they did at that time was BFN...of course.  So now it is a waiting game to see if AF is going to start on her own. 

Last week I also dealt with some jealousy and longing that I haven't had in a while.  I went with my DH to buy a baby shower gift for a guy he works with and I had a little anxiety over it.  Sometimes it doesn't bother me...like when I am shopping for my niece that is expecting and my friend who is expecting her first baby.  I LOVE SHOPPING FOR THEM!  But other people, I have a difficult time with.  I have another family member that is expecting her second baby but with her I'm having trouble with too, because well, that is a long story.  Then my DH tells me tonight that the daughter of a friend of ours is expecting again...no tact, just says it. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!  GIVE ME AN F'in BREAK!!!  Mother's day is less than a week away...I DON"T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP!!!  This is a girl that I have know since she was like 14 who got pregnant at 16 married at 18 and is now having her 3rd kid!  I HATE THIS!

On the Rollercoaster again

It has been over a year since my last post and much has happened.  I am going to be making an effort to post more frequently, mostly because I need an outlet for this crazy thing I call my life, but also so I can update anyone who used to follow me or begins to follow my story now.

Last March, I went to work out of town so we took a long break from our TTCing.  I worked down in Orange Beach, Alabama for my old boss, teaching preschool.  Most days I spent my lunch break sitting at the beach in my car reading a book, or just listening to the music of the waves, people and seagulls.  Growing up on the Gulf, the beach is were I find my peace and serenity.  I stayed with my dad while I was down there.  It was nice getting to spend time with my dad but I really missed being home.  In reality I missed 7 months of married life because of this, but we needed the money.  My last week of work was Labor Day week.  We went out of town for the weekend and on Tuesday I headed back down to the coast for my last 4 days of work.  On the way down some kids pulled out in front of me and I t-boned them.  I was going 50mph when this happened so needless to say, my car was totalled and so was the kids.  He ended up with a broken hip and I ended up with major neck and shoulder issues.  We were due to start back with our fertility treatments in October so that got put on the back burner.  Since September I have been battling pain in my neck, shoulder, chest, upper back and left arm.  I have other issues but no one seems to be able to tell me if they are a direct result of the wreck....but until the then I never had trouble.  I won't go into too much detail about that because that might be TMI!

So here we are in April already.  We are in the middle of a cycle right now.  I am CD 21 and have been having pain in my lower right ovary area.  I did have the remnants of a cyst at the beginning of this cycle so I don't know if that is why or maybe we got lucky and it is implantation pain :D  I highly doubt it, but you never know.  We didn't do an IUI this month because we had to pay taxes with the money we thought we were going to have for the IUI....so I have to call my doc and explain to him why we didn't do it.  But next month we are going to try another cycle, this time hopefully with clomid and follistim.  My weight is still an issue but I'm going to try very hard the next few weeks to get a little off.  With us moving I really want to do another cycle with Dr. Allemand.  I am really going to miss having him as my doc.  I am so worried that another doc won't be as sincere and concerned as he is and the staff at the Montgomery office is.  I HATE MOVING!!!  Damn the military!  Well, I will just have to pray for a good doc...one that will keep going the direction of the Doc. of my dreams!

Full Moon, HSG, IUI, Friday the 13th and an Anniversary!

So here we are already into February. This month has already been very busy. It started out with me starting a cycle on my own 4 days before our RE appointment. Steve wasn't able to go but it was just a video conference anyway. The doc and I talked about my weight and where to go next with my treatment. He said since I have had two cycles on my own back to back that we could try another round of pills if I wanted to. I said, "Sure, why not?" He said he liked my Clomid cycle last year better than my Femara cycles so we did clomid. He also watned to do an HSG to recheck my fallopian tubes since it had been 3 years since my last one.

We drove to Birmingham on Sunday for CD10 bloodwork and then back on Monday for the HSG. The HSG went good. Both my tubes are open and the uterus looks good. The procedure went well however afterward I had an "inflamatory reaction" to the dye they used. Basically all the tissue in my abdomen and on the outer parts of my organs became inflamed and irritated. Boy, that sure didn't feel good. I felt like my insides were on fire and were going to explode out of my body. So on Tuesday I ended up back at the doctor. They did bloodwork and an ultrasound and everything seemed to be ok. Basically I just had to wait out the absorbtion of the dye into my body. UGG!

However there was one positive side to me having to go in on Tuesday. During the ultrasound Ms. Sarah discovered three follicals very near ready.....so they gave me my trigger shot and scheduled my IUI for the next day. Steve and I went in yesterday and did IUI #5. I figure with the combination of the full moon, the HSG, the IUI, Friday the 13th and our 5th Wedding Anniversary on Valentine's Day that something has got to happen this month. I hope anyway! 5th IUI....5th Anniversary.....see my thinking?! :D

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today and know that all will be well! 13 days and dounting until we test! I hope I can wait!

Time sure flies

Well, here I am again.....taking months to post another blog. Not much has changed in the Fertility front. We have an appointment with our doc on December 17th. I don't know what will happen but hopefully we will try at least another month or two on pills before we move to injections. I'm still working on the weight loss but that has pretty much come to a stand still. I don't know why if I want a child so badly I just can't get myself in gear and lose some weight....you would think having a child would be the motivation that I need! I am very much "Self Sabotaging" in that way. As my hubby so smartly discovered and then pointed out, as long as i don't lose the weight I at least have "it" to blame for not being able to TTC. BUT if I lose weight and I still don't get pregnant then there is only one thing to blame....well, not a thing, but "ME"!!! He truly hit the nail on the head with that one. You would think going to school to be a counselor would keep me from having these issues, but I do! Sometimes it makes me second guess my career direction because of all the trouble I'm having. UGH!! What do I do???!!!

So anyway, life goes on and as we fastly approach our one year mark of working with our new RE I have to try to keep my chin up in regards to our TTCing....I figured by now I would be expecting yet here we are again at another Christmas with no little one of our own. Please pray for me as I struggle with this during the holidays. I really don't feel like celebrating and dread trying to put on a cheerful happy face...but that is one thing I'm very good at. I'll bring out my "Christmas Facade" very soon for every one's sake but my own.

Anyway, time keeps chugging along. It has been a year since my MIL passed away. We have had a very somber week here at the house. Yesterday was a year ago that we buried her. Steve and his sibs have talked several times this week and my MIL's best friend/cousin sent us flowers on Monday to let us know she was thinking about us. That was very hard but it was sweet of her to think of us.


Sorry I don't want to bring everyone down. I'm just having a pity party tonight. I do hope everyone has a great holiday. Merry Christmas and Happy New year! May the new year bring everyone wonderful things.