Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day

For a woman who experiences the pain of infertility, Mother's Day can be a pretty sad occasion.  Instead of counting years I have been trying to conceive I count how many Mother's Days I have gone childless...if you count the years I tried with my ex-husband I am on 14 now.  That includes the years that I was single, cause although I was single I still longed for that child and grieved for the children that I didn't have with my ex. 

Yesterday was overall a pretty good day, if you don't count that fact that I got wished Happy Mother's Day by people in my own family who know I'm not a mom.  Maybe they did it because I am a Step-mom.  Who knows.  My mother always acknowledges me on Mother's Day but she always has to add the "Step" in the card....I guess to make me feel better.When my mother-in-law was alive she always wished my Happy Mother's day but would say...Because you are a second mom  to "B",  my stepson.  I only had one stranger wish me a Happy Mother's Day and that was in a restaurant on I lucked up there. I hate it when people just assume you are a mother! I skipped church yesterday because of the usually Mother's Day stuff and all the kids there with their moms. Just couldn't take it this year.  I did however read several great wishes from friends online this year that have been where I am now, but were celebrating their first Mother's Day.  They made sure and acknowledged those of us still waiting for our little miracles.  One day (sigh)....   My hubby, for the second year in a row has bought me a single rose...this year it was a red one.  He doesn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day, he just gives it to me and tells me that he loves me.  That is all I need and I feel better, because I think he finally understands what I go through emotionally.

So brings me to the sad part of Mother's Day.  I have a High School friend who is losing her battle with Metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  On Saturday, Mother's Day Eve, an organization called "Let There Be Mom" came to Birmingham, Alabama (where Robyn lives) from South Carolina.  They help families preserve the memory of a parent who is losing their battle to a disease.  They spent the whole day with the family, and although I do not know what they did, I'm sure they did a great job and there will be much for her two young daughters to hold on to as they grow up with their mom in Heaven.  Anyway, yesterday, which was Mother's Day, should have been a happy time for the family.  Spending what might be Robyn's last Mother's Day together, however she had to taken to the hospital and was admitted.  As of this morning the family was told that is was only a matter of days before she closes her eyes one final time. Next year the girls will not have their mommy to celebrate with...but they will have their grandmother.  Robyn's mother was with her yesterday, for that I am thankful.  As a mother, I'm glad Ms. S has a final Mother's Day memory with her only daughter, although it isn't a very happy least they were together.  So as I have been contemplating Mother's Day and all it encompasses, I think things could be worse.  I cannot imagine what my friend and her family are going through right now, and feel somewhat selfish that I had my "Oh Woe Is Me Pity Party" yesterday.  I thankfully still have my mom and she still has me.  So if you are reading this, take the time to Thank our Father above for the time you have with your mom and if you are a mom with your children.  Never let anyone doubt what you felt about them. And if you are feeling really down and low about something going on in your life, just remember there are worse thing out there happening to people who really don't deserve it. 

Please pray for my friend Robyn, her husband, her two young daughters, her mother, her brothers and all of her other family and friends as they say goodbye and watch another ANGEL get her WINGS!  We love you Robyn!  Because I knew you....I have been changed for Good!  Thanks for letting me call you my friend.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Cysts and Babies

So last week I was having terrible pain in my lower abdomen.  So I went into the doc and they did an ultrasound.  I had what looked like the remainder of a cyst on my right ovary and had a pretty big one on the left one too.  The one of the left was a corpus luteum cyst...or at least that is what they think it was since I was unable to go in for my trigger shot, follow up ultrasound to the one at the beginning of this cycle and didn't get the IUI done.  So I really messed up with this cycle.  Anyway, they did blood work and the PG test they did at that time was BFN...of course.  So now it is a waiting game to see if AF is going to start on her own. 

Last week I also dealt with some jealousy and longing that I haven't had in a while.  I went with my DH to buy a baby shower gift for a guy he works with and I had a little anxiety over it.  Sometimes it doesn't bother when I am shopping for my niece that is expecting and my friend who is expecting her first baby.  I LOVE SHOPPING FOR THEM!  But other people, I have a difficult time with.  I have another family member that is expecting her second baby but with her I'm having trouble with too, because well, that is a long story.  Then my DH tells me tonight that the daughter of a friend of ours is expecting tact, just says it. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!  GIVE ME AN F'in BREAK!!!  Mother's day is less than a week away...I DON"T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP!!!  This is a girl that I have know since she was like 14 who got pregnant at 16 married at 18 and is now having her 3rd kid!  I HATE THIS!