Sunday, October 31, 2010

Feeling a bit out of sorts....

I will start off on a positive note, I have lost 5 pounds towards my first 35 pound goal! And I completed the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk today in Memory of my friend Robyn and in honor of several others who have battled this horrible disease. 3 miles of walking and I didn't sit down once, which was an accomplishment for me, cause I'm a big girl :) I did good!

So the closer to the end of the year the more down in the dumps I get.  Here it is the early morning of Halloween and where am I in my infertility journey?  About 100 steps behind where I was a year ago! Or so it seems.  First the wreck and then the move.  I swore to myself I would not go another Christmas without being a mommy and here it is sneaking up on me and do I have a child to buy for, nope. 

What is the point?  Sometimes I so want to just throw in the towel and say I give up, I'm done.  But then I remember how badly I want a child and I just can't give up yet.  My desire to be a mom is so great I just don't know what to do with this energy that I have bottled up inside of me! I have no outlet for it!  Right now I am packing and getting ready for our move into the new house.  That is taking a lot of my time, but it also gives me more time to think that I care for. I'd rather just crawl under the covers and stay in bed until it all just magically all goes away! Can I do that please?  Is there someone who can make that happen? Does someone have a magic lamp I can wish one or a genie I can use a wish up on?

I know God must be tired of hearing my prayers over and over.  They always turn out the same so lately I've just been say, "Ok God, you know the prayer, so can you help a sister out please?"  I just don't know what to pray anymore.  I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH AND TRUST GOD & HIS TIMING BUT IT HURTS AND I DON"T HAVE THE STRENGTH SOME DAYS TO FIGHT!!!  WHY is it so difficult?  WHY???

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Two Feet Rooted in the Past...None in the Future?

Everyone comes from somewhere.  I am lucky to have a family who keeps up with the family members of the past, or to an extent anyway.  So 2 years ago I began doing ancestry research.  Really I was just picking up where my maternal Grandfather started many years ago.  When I was little he would tell me stories about his parents and how one of his Grandmother's was Creek Indian.  For many years he tried to "prove" our Native American Heritage but kept hitting road block after road block.  However if you look at the following picture, you will see that she truly did have some Indian in her (she is the one of the far left and my grandfather is the little boy standing right next to her)....but if you can't "prove" it well, what can you do?

So my journey to "prove" where I came from started, so that future generations of MY LINE know where they came from.  The first few months of my searching online, I would lose track of time and before I knew it, it would be 4am and I would sneak into bed so my husband wouldn't know that I had been spending so much time "searching".  I'm pretty sure my incessant and obsessive need to "find" where I came from stems from all of my infertility issues.  My paternal grandmother is 93 and constantly tells me stories about things she remembers from her childhood.  She has even written a book/journal, if you want to call it is handwritten and in a spiral notebook.  She tells about her life growing up, wrote stories that her grandmother used to tell her and shared her perspective on how she saw her parents, my Great-grandparents.  Right after I began my searching I spent most of my time finding her line of the family and for Christmas that year I gave her a printed and bound copy of an Ancestry report that went back 13 generations on her father's side of the family.  She loves her book so much, my dad says that now, two years later she looks at it everyday. 

About a year ago, my Grandmother and I were talking one day about old pictures and I was telling her how I would love to have copies of them.  She told me that I could copy them because since I didn't have anyone to pass the originals down to, those would go to someone else in the family.  WOW!  Did that ever HURT!  Nothing like sticking a knife in your grandchild's heart and twisting a little.  Yes I don't have children yet...cause of the infertility.  And YES my Grandmother KNOWS WHY!  But for her to say that was devastating to say the least.  She is 93, but that isn't an excuse for saying what she did.  But she is old Texas lady who speaks her mind.  After that comment it made my searching even that more frantic.  I secretly search her house when I am there for old pictures so I can scan them so I at least have a "copy" since I am not WORTHY of having the ORIGINALS since I don't have kids.....YET! 

I have done as much research as I can on my dad's side of the family for now and have turned my sights back to my mom's side, which is where I had originally started.  This side of the family originated not far from where I moved from recently in Alabama and where we are still kinda close to.  One day I took off with my GPS and the name of a Cemetery in this rural part of a county south of us and I found the graves of my Great Great Great Grandfather and Grandmother!  That was really cool!  But then I got busy with the move and put my searching on hold.  Until yesterday.

Yesterday I found myself up in the same area of Alabama and I got the old yearning to "look" for my past yet again (my Grandfather would be so proud).  So armed with my computer and GPS I found where my Great Grandmother was buried! (She is the lady on the far right in the picture above.)  It took me all day to find it but I found it just as the sun was going down.  I stood over her grave and wondered if she ever thought about what the future would hold and if she would ever have someone come and find her and say, "This is who I came from."  I think about this ALL THE TIME!!!  I want that more than anything in the world and I think that is what I am afraid of the most....that after all of this, I will know where I came from but there will be no one in the future to find me to say, "I came from her!"  What if my footsteps here on earth are the last of my line?  What if I leave no link for the future? What if there is no one to name their child after me because it was a beautiful old family name? What if this is it? Am I searching for nothing?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Ramblings at 2am

So we are building a house. There is just DH and I, except for every other weekend when my DSS "B" comes to visit.  This house we are building is a 4 bedroom...yes, a 4 bedroom.  We have so much stuff and I am just tired of having to "find" places to put things that I wanted enough room.  Plus with us trying to get pregnant I wanted us to have enough room to "GROW" into our family. So one room of course will be B's room, one will be a guest room and the other room will be our office/library/future baby's room.  While I was on my girls cruise, B was down visiting his maternal grandparents who live close to us, so DH took him to see the new house.  Well, B decided which room was going to be his....because it was the "biggest" of the 3 extra rooms.  Other than the Master Bedroom, all the bedrooms are the same size.  I had already decided which rooms I was going to give B a choice between and the room he chose was not one of them but my DH doesn't agree with what I have in mind.  I really think I should have a say as to which room MY FUTURE CHILD goes in! Shouldn't I? I don't want to be switching rooms around 6 months or 12 months or however long it takes for us to conceive or adopt!  Is that wrong?

How stupid is it that I laid in bed tonight letting this worry me?  But for the life of me I could not get it out of my mind.  We went to the house today and I sat down on the floor in the room I want to put MY child in and I dreamed of what that room would be like with a crib in it and toys on the floor. And all those things that make it a child's room. I could almost hear the soft in and out of breaths from a tiny body and smell the smell that can only be described as "baby". So now I have to either be the bad guy or be the bigger person and let B have the room he wants, while all the time wishing it were MY child's room. This is me just being selfish but this will be my house and B will only be there a minimum amount of time.  He is 15 now and in 9th grade, so he doesn't have much longer at home and he lives with his mom in another state the majority of the time.  I just don't know what to do.

On a different note, I met with my Exercise Physiologist this past week.  We have added some strength training exercises that I can do at home to my "workout routine". They use my own body weight so I don't need anything special.  I can also go to the gym and use the machines if I want to and get the same workout just to change it up a bit.  I also met with the dietitian this week.  So now I have all my tools to get started.  I have no excuses at all!  I am going to make up a meal plan and exercise plan and follow it!  My goals are going to be little to start...10% at a time.  So Monday starts my new lifestyle.  Hope I can do it.  I just have to keep remember WHY I AM DOING IT!!!  FOR THE CHANCE AT BEING A MOMMY!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Time for Relaxing and Unexpected Blessings

So, I just got back from a 4 day cruise. It was a girls getaway.  I got a lot of alone time with God and lots of time just to relax and not think about all the stresses in my life.  Of course the stresses crept in some...the infertility, the house drama, etc.  But it was a well deserved trip.  Now I am home and life has to resume.  Too much good food on the trip set me back a little on my weight loss so I have to be careful over the next week.  I have a Wedding to do this weekend so I will be busy but hopefully will get my exercise in. 

Today had a Blessing thrown my I wasn't expecting at all.  I have a cousin who is older than me.  She just became a grandmother for the 3rd time.  She told me today that she would be willing to carry and give birth to a child for me, if her doctor would clear her for it.  She still has cycles, she was divorced a few years ago and isn't with anyone right now and feels that this is something she would love to do for us if she is able.  I was totally shocked!  I have had people in the past tell me that they would be willing to carry a child for me but I have never truly believed them, but I know that J is very serious.  I think this is something that I have to seriously consider.  I will be praying about it for sure.  J also said something very interesting today that I have been thinking about.  We have been in the process of buying a house and the deal fell through last week only two days before closing, well, we decided we had enough and we are building a house...well, it was already started.....and we should be able to move in sometime in November.  Anyway, J said, "Maybe God has just been waiting for you to get your nest ready."  Something more to ponder on :D

Much to think about and be thankful for today.  God is so good and I know he has something wonderful planned for us.