Friday, January 28, 2011

BLOG NAME CHANGE I have been playing around with this for a while and I really do love my blog name, "A Journey is Worth a Thousand Words. Infertility and Life after 35!" However I see all these cute and witty blog names out there and think, " I can come up with something like that!" So from hence forth I will be called:

Journey of a Geriatric Infertile Lady

The reason I chose this name is because those of us who enter pregnancy after the age of 35 are considered to be "Geriatric Pregnancies" So that is how I came up with the name.  Hope you guys like it...that is if I have anyone out there readying this :)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dirty Dishes, Bad Moods and an ER Visit

Dirty Dishes:

Is it just me, or does anyone else out there have a DH who loads the dishwasher and then thinks the kitchen is clean, even when the pots and pans are still dirty, the stove and counters needs to be wiped off? Who knows, maybe I have the only man out there that will actually attempt cleaning the kitchen.  Here is my problem:

Why is it that when a man cleans the kitchen it is totally acceptable for him to just load the dishwasher and leave everything else, but when you clean the kitchen they expect you to do everything? Case in point, my DH.  A few days ago he loaded the dishwasher but left all the pots and pans and a few other dishes.  Don't him I said this, but the man knows how to pack a car but doesn't know the first thing about loading a dishwasher to get the maximum results! Anyway, he asked me if I would wash the pots and pans.  At that point I had been nursing a headache for about 5 days but told him I would get around to it. Since I don't work I had all the next day to do it but had my therapy appointment and by the time I got home my head was hurting so bad I laid down and never got around to getting them washed.  DH cooked dinner that night and added another pan to the stack on the stove and made no attempt to clean anything himself.  Next day, I go to the doctor, get the results  from my pregnancy blood work, have my emotional breakdown, feel like crap cause I still have this horrible headache which has been with me for a week now, and I don't get the dishes washed up.  DH comes home, makes dinner, adds two more pots and a pan to the stack which has now spilled over to the counter beside the stove.  Still he doesn't wash them. 

At this point ALL of our pots and pans are dirty!  Dishes in the dishwasher are clean but still sitting there and the sink is full of dirty dishes.  Does he take it upon himself to help me out when I'm not feeling good and clean the kitchen?  NO!  Instead he gets pissed off at me and starts yelling at me about how I need to get up off the couch and clean the kitchen. So I tell him I would except my head feels like it is going to explode and I don't feel like doing it right then and before he comes home the next day it will be done.  Then I said, "If you are so worried about the dishes getting washed why don't you do it yourself?" and he says, "Because you said you were going to do it and I already cleaned the kitchen this week."  Umph!  Well, la te da!  So yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, the whole while moaning and groaning about him the whole time.  I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, washed all the pots and pans, and wiped down the stove and counters.  Guess how long it took me?  30 minutes.  My head felt like a time bomb waiting to explode but I did it and you know what?  HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD ABOUT IT WHEN HE GOT HOME!  Go figure!

So am I the only one in the world with a husband like this?

Bad Moods and ER Visit:

Now on to the bad mood and ER visit.  So DH came home yesterday and informs me he is exhausted cause he only slept 3 hours the night before.  Not my fault you stayed up late watching TV.  What happened to the guy who used to say he could live on 4 or 5 hours sleep?  Guess being over 40 now he can't do that!  Anyway, we eat dinner and watch a little TV.  Not once did DH ask how I was feeling or if my headache was better.  It has slowly been getting worse all day long.  In fact I had started having some dizziness and blurred vision with the sharp pains that I get every once in a while.  So I'm sitting there and about 8:00pm I tell DH that I think I need to go to the ER cause this headache has gotten so intense that the meds aren't even taking the edge off anymore.  He flips totally out.  Starts yelling, "I can't believe it.  You wait until now? I got 3 hours of sleep and you tell me now you want to go to the ER? I was about to go to bed? Unbelievable!" He storms off and I hear, "Well, let's go then" and a crash in the bedroom as something hits the wall.

I told him never mind, I would have my mom drive over and meet me at the hospital so he can sleep and he insists no, he will be the one to take me and stay with me.  I told him if he was going to be in a pissy mood I would rather him stay home.  Never once on the way to the ER did he ask what exactly was wrong, how I was feeling or if I needed anything.  Where was my loving and attentive guy that was with me in the ER 5 weeks ago?  Apparently, that guy was in a bad mood for a couple of reasons: #1 Because I was supposed to take our car in this week to have some work done on it before we hit our warranty mileage and it wasn't getting done in the time HE thought it should  AND #2 He was going to miss one of his favorite TV shows (I just know this is one of the reasons he was upset!).  I think him being tired was just an excuse!

We pulled into the hospital and he didn't even drop me off.  He parked and made me walk up to the building, by myself none the less cause he was still so PO'd that he wouldn't walk beside me.  I got checked in and we sat there waiting.  He sat all closed off, not offering any type of comfort or show of concern for me at all.  I kept asking if he wanted me to call my mom to come and he said no.  Finally by the time I got called back into an actual room he had gotten better and was a little more concerned.  After 4 hours, 1 CT Scan, 4 vials of blood, and 1 IV of good Pain meds later, they sent me home with a prescription FOR THE SAME MEDS THAT I ALREADY HAD THAT I TOLD THEM WEREN'T WORKING!!!!!!!  I guess the good thing is that my CT Scan and blood work all came back fine.  Bad news is...I STILL HAVE A HEADACHE :( 

On a better note, the DH was in a better mood and really took care of me when we got home from the hospital.  Gave me my meds and got me in bed.....he even went and got the car and picked me up at the door when we left the hospital!  He told me not to worry about the car, that we would get it taken in at some point.  He even turned off my alarm this morning so I could sleep as long as I needed to.  Note...he never apologized, but saying what he did was his way of apologizing. 

International Babylost Mother's Day and Father's Day

For those of us who are on the TTC journey and have had a pregnancy loss and don't already have children, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be especially hard.  We know that we are parents in our hearts but sometimes the world doesn't recognize that because there are no tangible children there. So yesterday while searching the web and looking at blogs...and I'm still not really sure how I came across it, maybe on Facebook...I came across this site and it's sister or should I say "brother" site.  I think it is a great idea and one that should be passed along in the ALI world....I think I got that abbreviation right :D  Anyway, pass this along to as many people as you know.  This year's International Babylost Mother's Day is May 1st.  Let's see if we can start a movement!!!!  Websites are below and the buttons can be found on the right of my blog.

International Babylost Mother's Day

International Babylost Father's Day

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Got my answers, sort of and not happy!

So I went to my doctors appointment this morning.  Right now I am sitting home alone trying to find some peace with what I was told.  Up until a few minutes ago I was sitting in total quiet.  Even the tick tock of my cuckoo clock was too loud. Now I sit listening to classical music, hoping it will calm the anger and sadness in me right now. Doctors and Nurses are supposed to help you, right? That is what they are there for, right? So why, when some tells them something about themselves do they choose to ignore it?

On December 17th, the day I found out I was pregnant and checked into the clinic at the "Big" base here in Florida...we have 2 in the city I am in...I told them my history with infertility, about all the procedures I had done in the past, all the meds I had taken to TTC, and also told them that with EVERY PROCEDURE I HAD TO HAVE PROMETRIUM BECAUSE MY PROGESTERONE WAS LOW!!!!!  Did they care?  Apparently not!  They didn't know me from adam that day.  I had never been in their precious little clinic before.  Did I happen to mention, that I interrupted their Christmas Party....which they forgot to tell the "Little" base about so they wouldn't send patients over?  The only reason I even now know what the level was the day I found out I was pregnant is because I REQUESTED they check my progesterone level because I had a history of LOW PROGESTERONE, they weren't going to check it as part of the routine beginning pregnancy lab work. I even asked for a prescription because I knew it would be low, but the nurse told me it would take a week for the results to come back and that if the doc saw a problem with the result he would call a script in then.  Well guess what?  I never even made it to the end of that week, cause I miscarried. 

Today when I went in to see my doc I asked her to look up the results of my pregnancy blood work and guess what.....I WAS RIGHT! My progesterone level at 6 weeks 5 days gestation was 3.7. read that right.  IT WAS TOO LOW!!!!!  Levels for the 1st Trimester should be between 9 - 47.  My old RE's magic # was 20.  Those incompetent hacks at the "Big" base COULD have helped prevent my miscarriage.  I know that it wouldn't have been a sure thing that it would have saved the pregnancy but there was a chance that by having the Prometrium that I might not have miscarried! UGGGG!!!  I feel so helpless and ANGRY!!  I wish I could go bash all their heads in and make them hurt as much as I do! I know that isn't very Christian like to say, but it is how I feel.

My RH blood work came back as I expected, well part of it anyway.  I am B negative blood type, which I already knew.  It also came back NEGATIVE for antibodies, which doesn't mean that I haven't had a miscarriage before, it just means I never built up an antibodies.  But I am covered for next time cause I got the shot of Rhogam. 

Next I asked my doc about referring me to a local RE.  I had all his information written out to give to her so she would have it.  She then tells me that she can't give me a referral for that without sending me to the "Big" base first.  The "BIG BASE" has to do a COMPLETE INFERTILITY WORKUP BEFORE THEY WILL SEND ME ANYWHERE!  Even if I had just completed a cycle with a doc in our last city and then came straight here and asked for a referral!  Is that stupid or what?  Then once you get referred the RE is going to want to do all the same tests again! I just hope they don't do another HSG because I don't react well to those!  So now I basically have to go back to the screw ups at the "Big" base and tolerate whatever they put me through just to get seen by a REAL REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST!  Have a said how much I really HATE this?  I HATE, HATE, HATE IT!!!!  This is really going to test my Faith in God.  I know he will truly have to TEACH me PATIENCE during this!

So now I have to get copies of my records from my RE in B'ham, have another pelvic ultrasound, the DH has to have another SA (which he is going to love) and THEN when all of that is done my PCM will make the referral to the "Big" base.  Don't know what they will do, but I know what I have done.  I already made an appointment with the RE I want to see.  Everything I have been told about him is GREAT!!!  His first available appointment was March 30th!!!  How crazy is that!? So I am going to walk in there an tell them, I have an appointment with Dr. X on X day and I want my referral now because I refuse to be treated by incompetent people who don't know how to treat someone with PCOS, history of infertility and history of Low Progesterone!  Think that will get there attention?  If that doesn't I'm going to the commander of the hospital.  Watch and see if I don't!

So I held myself together after my Dr. appointment and getting my prescriptions and referral for the ultrasound....I don't have a pinched nerve by the way, she thinks it is tension related, hmmm, who would have guess.  I got to my car and I totally lost it.  I was crying uncontrollable.  I know if anyone saw me they probably thought I was insane.  I was going to call my DH but remembered he was teaching a class this morning and wouldn't be where I could reach him.  It was close to his lunch time though so I sent him an email and waited for him to call me back. It seemed like forever.  Finally I tried calling him and got him.  Then I broke down again!  By the time he got to me my sadness had turned to a combination of grief and anger all rolled into one.  One hug and I felt much better...not over it, just better.  We talked about everything that was said at my Dr. appointment and we processed it all or as much as we could during a lunch break.  I guess the main thing for us to focus on is that at least we somewhat have an answer as to why we lost our baby.  It is better than not knowing anything.

So that is my news today.  I have more to share, like about my first Therapy appointment yesterday, but I'll do it later.  So more to come soon.

Hoping for some answers

Well, I'm heading off to see my PCM this Military talk that is my Primary doctor on base.  I am going in really because I think I have a pinched nerve in my neck.  I have had a headache for a week and then funny pain when I bend down or strain my neck at all.  Anyway, I figured while I was there I might as well ask her about my Pregnancy blood work since I never was given the results of it because I miscarried before my 1st OB appointment. 

I want to know what my Progesterone level was and what the RH blood work showed.  These two will really give me the answers I am looking for.  They will tell me #1: Was I ever pregnant before and didn't know it so the RH factor played a role in the Miscarriage and #2: (and please excuse my language here) Did those dumb ass people at the clinic blow me off when Progesterone would have possibly saved my child!

So hopefully I will find some answers and a little peace today.  I will post later what I find out.

Monday, January 24, 2011

History of Infertility's Common Thread

I want to share a link tonight that I found on LFCA...a blog that I found after all this time that unites all of us in the Infertility, Adoption and Pregnancy Loss community.  Follow the link below and read the story.  I will be wearing my thread.....will you?

Friday, January 21, 2011

One Month Ago Today....

.....I became the Mommy of an Angel.  Our Angel Baby was with us for 7 weeks and 2 days.  In the past month I have spent much time searching for the "whys" it happened and blamed myself for many things. Is it possible that I could have prevented what happened?  What if I hadn't been sick with a cold and been taking medication to get over it? What if I had tested earlier and had known longer I was pregnant? What if I had insisted more strongly that they do an ultrasound that very first day? What if it hadn't taken the clinic a week to get my Progesterone test back and I had already been on Progesterone, would that have made a difference? What if....  I know everyone who has miscarried has these what if questions...but I am just having a hard time moving past this blame and all the what ifs. I pray everyday for the Lord to help me through this and to take this doubting and blame away from me. I know it will get better, I have HOPE and FAITH that it will!

To my Angel.....Mommy loves you and misses you everyday!

The Lord's loving kindness indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is thy Faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I have hope in Him." (Lam. 3:22-24)

Friday, January 7, 2011

1st Should Have Been

Today should have been my first OB appointment.  I should have seen my baby for the first time today, heard or seen his or her little heartbeat.  I really hadn't thought about it until someone I grew up with posted her sonogram picture this morning on Facebook announcing that she and her husband are expecting their second child.  The realization that I will never get that "picture" of my child that I lost really hit me.  Why didn't the nurse listen to me that very first day and just do a ultrasound!?!?!?!?  At least I would have a picture...even if it was just a gestational sac and you couldn't really see anything!  I HATE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TANGIBLE THAT SAYS YES I WAS PREGNANT!!!  A Picture would have made it tangible and real!  Maybe my DH would have considered it more real then, a "baby", if he had seen it.  I will never have that though. But today would have been the day I would have had that. The first picture of my first child.

Insomnia, Comfort Food and Comforting Words

As I sit here and type, Thursday has turned into Friday.  I have spent the better part of 3 days sleeping.  Monday, the only reason I got out of bed was because my DH was being promoted to MSgt and I went to his promotion ceremony.  On Tuesday my mom was supposed to come and help me take down the Christmas decorations but I just wasn't up for company or putting everything away yet, so I called and told her not to come, plus I had a splitting headache.  Other than going out to the bank real quick to make a deposit, I stayed in bed pretty much all day that day, all day Wednesday, and all day today.  I didn't realize until about 4:30 today that I had anything to eat or drink all day.  Good thing DH was bring dinner home with him!  Anyway, all this sleeping is probably why now, after midnight I am up and can't get to sleep. 

When I haven't been sleeping I have been reading my books that I ordered about Miscarriage and dealing with the grief of miscarriage. Of the 6 books, I have read 4 of them.  I have started doing the devotionals in the 5th one and the 6th book came in the mail today. So far, each of them have given me information that is helpful and they give me hope in moving past the grief that I am feeling over the loss of my baby.  I didn't realize it until today, but the past 3 days are the first days I have been alone since my miscarriage.  My DSS was here when it all happened and we were busy with him and Christmas so there was never a real "time" for me to grieve the loss of my child.  So here two weeks after the fact I think I am finally grieving in the way I probably would have that very first week if it had not been Christmas week and my DSS had not been here.

So back to my DH bringing me dinner tonight.  Whenever I don't feel good or I'm down, the one thing I enjoy eating the most is a Chicken Pot Pie from KFC.  I know that might sound weird but it is comfort food in the best form! To me anyway.  Well, Wednesday night he went to get me one and the girl told him they had been discontinued.  WHAT?  DISCONTINUED?? You can't discontinue the Pot pie!!!  That is UnAmerican!  Anyway, so he brought me something else home to eat Wednesday night.  He looked up KFC and we called the one that is on his way home from work and asked if they still had them and they said YES!!!  So tonight he stopped and brought me a Pot pie!  He really does love me :) As a friend of mine on Facebook so eloquently put it..."Chicken Pot Pie for the Soul" instead of Chicken Soup for the Soul! 

When we found out we were pregnant, we told a couple of close friends and a family member, but everyone else was to find out on Christmas.  That was supposed to be a wonderful and Joyous day for us to celebrate our great and long awaited news with everyone, even though it would have been early into the pregnancy.  One of the people we were going to be telling at Christmas was one of my dearest and closest friends "J". J and I have been friends since 7th grade.  She was my Matron of Honor when DH and I got married. Several years ago she was in a car accident and she is now a quadriplegic.  She was expecting her first child at the time of her accident.  She carried her DS for two more months before giving birth to him early.  He lived a few short hours before leaving this world and going to Heaven.  So J knows what it is to loose a child.  I wanted to tell her in person about the baby, but due to me being sick around Christmas and then with me miscarrying I never got to tell her I was expecting and then I never got to tell her that my little one has joined her DS in Heaven.  Today I got a card from her in the mail....Her mother and sisters help her with sending things to people since she is unable to write :) It was a wonderful card.  She said that her stepfather has seen my Facebook page and read about our news and that she was so very sorry, that her heart hurt for us because she knows the pain of the loss that I am experiencing.  I was so worried about how to tell her or if I should tell her about our Angel baby at all and now I don't have to worry cause she already knows.  She took the time to let me know that she loves me and is thinking about me and praying for me during this time.  Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve a friend such as J.  She is a blessing and I thank God for everyday for her! 

Monday, January 3, 2011

Lots of Reading to do

About a week ago, my DH and I went to a local bookstore so that I could look for a book on Miscarriage and Grief.  I thought if I had a book to read on the subject, it would help me work through the pain and grief that I feel over losing this baby.  So we went to a "major" bookstore.  I checked the parenting section.  All the books in the world about how to get pregnant, pregnancy and after pregnancy but nothing for miscarriage.  Go to the section on Grief, nothing specific for loss of a child.  Every section I could think of to look in there was NOTHING!  The girl working customer service looked up "miscarriage" and said "Well, it says we should have one here."  She goes to find it but it isn't there.  Then she say, "Do you want to look at the titles and see which one you want us to order for you?"  I'm thinking to myself, "No, what I really want is to walk out of here and be able to read something but that isn't going to happen."  I thanked her and DH and I proceeded to the next place we thought we could find one...the "Christian Store".

In Pensacola there are two different Christian store chains, we went to the most "known" one first.  There again we hit a brick wall...nothing available but they could order me something.  At this point I'm thinking, but not saying, I CAN ORDER MY OWN BOOKS PEOPLE!!!  HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF AMAZON????  So we go to the second Christian store and once again we find nothing.  However there, the lady was very nice and seemed to understand what I was going through.  She apologized for not having anything available and suggested I go to the other two stores we had already been to. I told her we had already checked there.  Instead of saying, "we can order something for you", she said, "Well, I'm sure if you go to you could find something and there you can read about each book and decide which one is best for you.  If I order something for you here we will only know what the name of it is and it might not be what you are looking for and it would take a couple weeks to get it in. Amazon would be faster for you."  I thanked her and she said she hoped I found what I was looking for.  Then we left. 

I ordered several books off of Amazon later that day.  I actually got two of them before New Years Eve so I have been reading them for several days.  Today I got three more in, including the devotional that is specific for people who have gone through miscarriage or the loss of a child.  I even found one that is geared specifically toward women who deal with Infertility AND Miscarriage.  So I am very eager to read that book.  I guess the old saying that Knowledge is Power is true.  Through these books I hope that I can begin to heal and find some peace and understanding as to why I had to experience this miscarriage.  I may never know, but at least I can begin to help myself move past the grief.  I am hoping that my DH will read some of these as well.  I am not sure exactly how he is feeling in all of this because he doesn't share his feelings very easily.  But I am hoping that we can at least do the devotional book together and that way we experience some healing together, since this baby was our first child together.

After I read all the books I'll post my thoughts on them and all the details on each.  It should be interesting to get through them all but I know I can do it!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

A New Year....Better things to come?

Even though 2010 ended the way it did for me, I have many things to be Thankful for that happened in 2010.  I got to spend time with an old friend battling breast cancer before she passed away, I renewed old friendships and made new ones on my High School reunion committee, I moved closer to my family, I bought a new house, I saw old friends here in Florida that I haven't seen in 12 years and for a few beautiful weeks I carried a miracle within me. 

For 2011 I am going to try to start the year with a positive attitude.  But unfortunately I am not off to a great start.  January 1st we had to take my DSS back to his mom.  He was originally supposed to be with us through today but his mom called Thursday and said she felt, "considering the situation here" he should come home early so he could have some "normalcy" in his routine before going back to school tomorrow.  He is 15 not 5....he doesn't need time to get back into any routine! Apparently, my behavior and reaction to my miscarriage had affected B enough that he had said something to his mom about me and she didn't feel the atmosphere here was "normal" so she wanted him home.  So my DH got 2 less days with his son during Christmas Vacation because of the ex-wife. I just want to SCREAM AND YELL at her but I can't.  Then when we got to the meeting spot I spoke to her and she never even acknowledged me.  I know you shouldn't say you hate someone but I really HATE HER!!!  I hate her actions towards my DH, I hate her actions towards her actions towards me and sometimes I hate the way she treats her son.

So after dropping off my DSS;  my DH and I, along with my Great-Nephew L(who had spent several days with us), went to my mom and dad's house for lunch and a day of football!  I LOVE FOOTBALL!  Anyway, L's dad, my Nephew, was there waiting for us.  We had a great day!  Then later that evening a friend of mine came over with her hubby, daughter, mom and dad.  The visit was going great....a lot of catching up.  Somehow the conversation turned to the night my friend's daughter was born.  Any other time hearing this story wouldn't have bothered me, but last night, was just not the night to hear it.  So I sat and endured hearing about her birth, then about my sister giving birth, about my own mother's story of going into labor with me and even my DH chimed in about his cousin giving birth to her first child.  COULD IT GET ANY WORSE?????  I was sitting there the whole time with my head down trying to contain myself and control the urge to scream at everyone to just SHUT UP!  My DH sat there, close to me, stroking my hair the whole time, trying to give me some comfort and support. 

I have never been so happy in my life when that conversation ended.  Like I said, any other time that whole conversation wouldn't have been hard to listen to but I am less than two weeks out from having my miscarriage, which everyone in that room knew about.  Did it ever occur to anyone of my loved ones that I might not want to hear this?  I know it was not talked about on purpose or to be hurtful, they probably never even thought about it, but it HURT to have to sit and listen to all of it.  All I could think about was that I was not going to get to share a story like that about this baby that I lost.  The only story I have to share about the "birth" of this baby is that I miscarried it and passed the "fetal tissue" sitting on a toilet and had to say a prayer and flush it down the toilet....all by myself.  I know that is graphic, but that is how I had to welcome and say good-bye to my baby.  Great story, huh?  Wonder how people would feel if I shared that story?

On the way home I asked my hubby if he thought anyone even thought twice about what they were talking about in front of me.  He said they probably didn't realize it would bother me and wouldn't have done it if they had realized that it would.  I guess I will come across other times when this will happen but also, as time goes by it won't be hard for me to hear stories like that.  Just right now, my heart is still tender.  I'm missing that little life that was growing inside of me and don't know what to do with the pain I feel.  So I will continue to blog how I feel.  At least I have this as an outlet, a diary of sorts.  So I will continue to blog about my experience and feelings and hope that, one day at a time I will heal. And 2011 will get better and better.  Each day will better, I just know it.