Even though 2010 ended the way it did for me, I have many things to be Thankful for that happened in 2010. I got to spend time with an old friend battling breast cancer before she passed away, I renewed old friendships and made new ones on my High School reunion committee, I moved closer to my family, I bought a new house, I saw old friends here in Florida that I haven't seen in 12 years and for a few beautiful weeks I carried a miracle within me.
For 2011 I am going to try to start the year with a positive attitude. But unfortunately I am not off to a great start. January 1st we had to take my DSS back to his mom. He was originally supposed to be with us through today but his mom called Thursday and said she felt, "considering the situation here" he should come home early so he could have some "normalcy" in his routine before going back to school tomorrow. He is 15 not 5....he doesn't need time to get back into any routine! Apparently, my behavior and reaction to my miscarriage had affected B enough that he had said something to his mom about me and she didn't feel the atmosphere here was "normal" so she wanted him home. So my DH got 2 less days with his son during Christmas Vacation because of the ex-wife. I just want to SCREAM AND YELL at her but I can't. Then when we got to the meeting spot I spoke to her and she never even acknowledged me. I know you shouldn't say you hate someone but I really HATE HER!!! I hate her actions towards my DH, I hate her actions towards her actions towards me and sometimes I hate the way she treats her son.
So after dropping off my DSS; my DH and I, along with my Great-Nephew L(who had spent several days with us), went to my mom and dad's house for lunch and a day of football! I LOVE FOOTBALL! Anyway, L's dad, my Nephew, was there waiting for us. We had a great day! Then later that evening a friend of mine came over with her hubby, daughter, mom and dad. The visit was going great....a lot of catching up. Somehow the conversation turned to the night my friend's daughter was born. Any other time hearing this story wouldn't have bothered me, but last night, was just not the night to hear it. So I sat and endured hearing about her birth, then about my sister giving birth, about my own mother's story of going into labor with me and even my DH chimed in about his cousin giving birth to her first child. COULD IT GET ANY WORSE????? I was sitting there the whole time with my head down trying to contain myself and control the urge to scream at everyone to just SHUT UP! My DH sat there, close to me, stroking my hair the whole time, trying to give me some comfort and support.
I have never been so happy in my life when that conversation ended. Like I said, any other time that whole conversation wouldn't have been hard to listen to but I am less than two weeks out from having my miscarriage, which everyone in that room knew about. Did it ever occur to anyone of my loved ones that I might not want to hear this? I know it was not talked about on purpose or to be hurtful, they probably never even thought about it, but it HURT to have to sit and listen to all of it. All I could think about was that I was not going to get to share a story like that about this baby that I lost. The only story I have to share about the "birth" of this baby is that I miscarried it and passed the "fetal tissue" sitting on a toilet and had to say a prayer and flush it down the toilet....all by myself. I know that is graphic, but that is how I had to welcome and say good-bye to my baby. Great story, huh? Wonder how people would feel if I shared that story?
On the way home I asked my hubby if he thought anyone even thought twice about what they were talking about in front of me. He said they probably didn't realize it would bother me and wouldn't have done it if they had realized that it would. I guess I will come across other times when this will happen but also, as time goes by it won't be hard for me to hear stories like that. Just right now, my heart is still tender. I'm missing that little life that was growing inside of me and don't know what to do with the pain I feel. So I will continue to blog how I feel. At least I have this as an outlet, a diary of sorts. So I will continue to blog about my experience and feelings and hope that, one day at a time I will heal. And 2011 will get better and better. Each day will better, I just know it.