Due date

Today was my precious Angel baby's due date. This whole week leading up to today has been a rough one. I feel so sad and yet I have tried to not let myself dwell on what could of been. I allowed myself time to cry for the child that was not meant to be but grieving alone is a hard thing to do. I had no pictures or really much of anything to document that pregnancy, only pregnancy tests and 2 things I bought to remember my angel by...... so there is nothing really to look back on to remember my angel by just the memory of knowing I carried him or her beneath my heart even for a short time.

I tried to prepare my husband yesterday for how I might feel today but he just shook his head and didn't say anything. Some how that makes it feel even worse knowing that the father of my child isn't mourning that child like I am. I know it has a lot to do with how long we actually knew we were expecting our angel. I also know that is probably a man thing even though that is not an excuse. No matter what that child was a part of both of us and I had hoped that he would at least share some of my feelings that I am feeling today.

I know today was the first true milestone since my miscarriage last december and that there will be more to come. I will always think of my Angel and miss my Angel on these days but I know he or she was just not meant for this earth.

Happy due date  my Angel. Mommy wishes she could have welcomed you into this world today. I will always love you no matter what.

7 months seems like a lifetime

7 months ago today I became the mommy of an Angel.  It feels like it was such a long time ago and yet in the grand scheme of things I know it has only been a blink of an eye.

Even though I am expecting a little miracle I find myself thinking of what my life would be like right now. How big would my belly be? Would I be having a girl or boy? Would I be as anxious and worried as I am now during this pregnancy? What would it be like knowing that my child and my best friend' s child would be born so close together or even on the same day? I know I will never have answers to these questions and a million others just like it. I can never get my first child back. That child was not meant for earth. My heart aches and longs for that child even as I carry its little sister under my heart.

Mommy loves you and misses you my Angel! Watch over your little sister and send her safely to us!

How we ended up 21 weeks Pregnant

Let me start by saying that I never thought I would be writing a blog like this.  I thought I was destined to be childless forever, or at least childless meaning "not of my body".  One way or the other I always knew I would be a mommy, but I truly had started coming to the realization that it might be through adoption. So for this to truly be happening is surreal!  So here goes Part 1 of how we ended up expecting again so quickly after our miscarriage....and I promise there will be no x-rated parts!

When I miscarried in December I was completely devastated.  Not only was finding out I was pregnant a shock after so many years of trying with medical help but just as it was finally sinking in my worst fear came to be....I lost the child I was carrying, my first child.  After the first few weeks of mourning and being sad I started looking for some support locally to help me through what I was feeling.  DH did not understand what I was going through and even though I have friends that had experienced a loss I needed someone to talk to.  In the course of trying to find a support group I was put in contact with someone from our base.  There is a program for new parents and the nurses actually follow you through pregnancy and then up until your child is 3 years old.  I was told that even though my pregnancy had ended that they were still there for me and the nurse made an appointment to come out to visit me in early January.

Nurse E was very caring and listened to my concerns about needing someone to talk to.  She even gave me some information regarding Miscarriage that no one had even given me to that point except for the Family and Airman Readiness Center when I stopped in and they got me in contact with her.  I explained to her that even the smallest bit of information about what was going on with my body would have been helpful weeks before when I was actually going through it all, physically.  On my own I had ordered several books on dealing with miscarriage to help me through this time but there was something still missing.  She suggested counseling or the support group that I was already looking for information on.  Both things I had already thought of and was in the process of getting started.

Before she left Nurse E made a comment, and to this day I will forever be in her debt for telling me this.  DISCLAIMER: Please do not take this as something that everyone should do, however based on my history she, as a nurse felt comfortable telling me this.  Nurse E asked me how long the clinic told me we needed to wait before trying to conceive again.  I told her that they had said we could resume relations after 2 or 3 weeks but needed to wait for at least 3 months before actively TTCing, so my body had time to heal.  She then proceeded to share with me that based on how far along I was when I miscarried, my history of infertility issues and my age that we shouldn't wait the 3 months they told us to.  She said that my body didn't have much healing to do because I wasn't very far along and that I would be most fertile right after my miscarriage.  Even the information she gave me on miscarriage said the same thing. 

When my DH came home I told him about the conversation with Nurse E.  We talked about it and agreed that if it happened it was meant to be, if it didn't we would continue on as we had before, working with a fertility doc.  In the coming weeks I started the process with the clinic to get our referral to the Fertility doc I wanted to work with in the area and my DH and I resumed physical relations, not preventing but not actively trying.  I also started going to therapy.

At one of my therapy appointments at the end of January, I was discussing with my Counselor that I still had not had a cycle since my miscarriage approximately 6 weeks prior.  We discussed how that made me feel and she suggested that I take a home pregnancy test and then call my doctor afterward and talk with them about what to do to get my cycles going again.  This way at least I would know where I stood where my body was concerned.  I went home totally not expecting a positive pregnancy test. 

When I got home I POAS and then left it in the bathroom and went to do something else.  I went back a little while later and got the shock of my life!  There on the EPT was a very faint but very clear + sign!  I started freaking out.  I grabbed a digital and dipped it in and then began the agonizing wait to see what it would say.  It confirmed what the first one had shown.  I was pregnant!  I called my mom in hysterics.  After calming down some I tried to call my DH but he was in the classroom teaching and I couldn't reach him.  I sent him a text and waited for him to call me back. 

While I was waiting I went through all the possible reasons the tests could have come out positive.  One was that the pregnancy hormone from the miscarriage was still lingering but I knew that wasn't right because I had done betas for 2 weeks after the miscarriage until it had gone down to zero. Then I started thinking about when we had "done it".  Being the infertility guru that I am, I had kept up with everything for 5 1/2 years, especially when we BD'd even when we weren't doing a medicated cycle and of course this time I hadn't written a damn thing down!  WHAT?  I couldn't believe it!  From my calculations however, if I was really pregnant I wasn't even what would be considered 14dpo. I was barely pregnant, if there really is such a thing!

After talking with my DH and the shock wore off...well kinda.  We knew based on the previous pregnancy that I was going to have to go in immediately so that I could get put on Progesterone.  So I called the clinic the next morning and I began the process of getting into see the OB at the big base.  My mom drove over and went with me that day because DH was once again in the classroom and couldn't get out of it.  I went and had the blood test done at the little base and then headed to the big base, which I knew would be the next step.

Once the pregnancy was confirmed I went to the OB clinic at the big base and began the paperwork.  Boy was the one nurse surprised to see me so quickly.  She said she felt like the test might be a false positive and that she thought it was just left over hormones from the miscarriage.  I reminded her that I had tested down to zero on that.  She agreed that yes I had.  She filled me in on what I needed to do next.  I requested that they check my progesterone and that in the mean time I would like a script for Progesterone.  She went to talk to the doc about it.  When she came back she told me that the Doc said they could have the results in 2 days and once it was back he would write the script if my blood work warranted it.  I reminded her that my Progesterone was low last time and was what likely was the cause of my miscarriage.  She said that two days wouldn't make a difference cause I was probably so early in the pregnancy.  I felt at that point that if she didn't think 2 days would hurt that I could wait 2 days.

So I headed down to the lab, where they proceeded to tell me it would be a week to 10 days before they got the results.  I knew at that point that I had to do something.  Since I promised my DH I wouldn't do anything to get him in trouble, I decided to go to the patient advocate.  I explained to the PA exactly why I was there to see her and that I was not leaving the clinic until I had a script.  I told her I was not going to jeopardize my unborn child's life, yet again, just because they don't have my history in hand regarding my low progesterone, and that my miscarriage 6 weeks earlier and the results of the Progesterone test from then should be proof enough.  She agreed and began the process of getting me what I needed.  I left the clinic that day with a script in hand and even though I had a nurse really ticked off at me, I got what I needed regardless of others feelings. 

As a backup plan however, I had called my infertility doc in B'ham and asked if they could help me out.  The next day I received a call back that they were calling me in a script for Endometrin and that it would last through the first trimester.  Thank God for them because if they hadn't come through I would have had to wait at the whim of the doc on base!  At this point the next hurdle was determining exactly when I was due.  Until they could determine that for sure they went of my miscarriage date.

The rest of the story to catch you up to week 21 is to follow in a timeline of sorts and info on all my doc appointments......including pics.  Happy reading!

Thankful Thursday...but on Friday instead

I have been fighting a really bad headache for a couple of weeks now and had intended to post this yesterday.  But since I wasn't home for much of the day and my head was about to explode, I'm going to do it today instead. 

I am so Thankful that I was blessed with a little miracle, even if that miracle is now in Heaven.  So today I give Thanks for my miracle!!!  This week marked six weeks since my Angel baby grew wings.  Most of the books I have read said to put a memory box together of things from the pregnancy and the time of the miscarriage.  Things I DON'T have to put in this box are an ultrasound picture or a picture of me while expecting.  Some of the books also suggested buying something for that pregnancy, something that would be for that child, even though that child isn't with you anymore.  We will also be planting a rose bush soon in memory of the baby.  As far as "naming" the child I lost, I did give my angel a name, Noel.  I chose that name because I miscarried so close to Christmas.  Would I have name this child that if I had carried him or her to term, probably not, but at least I have honored this child with a name.  My DH doesn't know that I have done this...but for me I needed to do it. 

Anyway, I have done what the books suggested.  Here are a few things I do have in my little box of memories from my first pregnancy that gave me my Angel Baby.

A picture of my home pregnancy tests showing the happy news on Dec. 17th.

A picture of the "Thinking of You" flowers from my friend JoAnn and her hubby

This is the Angel Baby Healing Stone that I got from here . I actually won it from their FB page. It is a Miscarriage and Infant Loss Memorial Stone.  I just love it.

Another picture of my Angel Memorial stone. 

This is my Blessing Blanket that I got from here .The blanket is very small, just like the tiny blessing who grew wings. The blanket is the baby's gift to Mommy and Daddy to "hold on to, cry into, cling to.. to remember I am not alone - I am warm and safe and loved.  It comes with a lovely poem. 

Other than the pictures of the items above, I don't have much else to remember this pregnancy by.  I have a couple of cards sent by friends and I copied some of the messages that were sent to me online.  I have my appointment sheet from the clinic for when I should have had my appointments.  And then I have the paperwork from the ER regarding the miscarriage.  All the books say to keep these things, for healing purposes, so that is what I'm going to do.  At least when I feel the need I can take the box out and remember my little blessing. And I can be Thankful for each thing I have to help me remember!

 

International Babylost Mother's Day and Father's Day

For those of us who are on the TTC journey and have had a pregnancy loss and don't already have children, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be especially hard.  We know that we are parents in our hearts but sometimes the world doesn't recognize that because there are no tangible children there. So yesterday while searching the web and looking at blogs...and I'm still not really sure how I came across it, maybe on Facebook...I came across this site and it's sister or should I say "brother" site.  I think it is a great idea and one that should be passed along in the ALI world....I think I got that abbreviation right :D  Anyway, pass this along to as many people as you know.  This year's International Babylost Mother's Day is May 1st.  Let's see if we can start a movement!!!!  Websites are below and the buttons can be found on the right of my blog.

International Babylost Mother's Day

International Babylost Father's Day

Got my answers, sort of and not happy!

So I went to my doctors appointment this morning.  Right now I am sitting home alone trying to find some peace with what I was told.  Up until a few minutes ago I was sitting in total quiet.  Even the tick tock of my cuckoo clock was too loud. Now I sit listening to classical music, hoping it will calm the anger and sadness in me right now. Doctors and Nurses are supposed to help you, right? That is what they are there for, right? So why, when some tells them something about themselves do they choose to ignore it?

On December 17th, the day I found out I was pregnant and checked into the clinic at the "Big" base here in Florida...we have 2 in the city I am in...I told them my history with infertility, about all the procedures I had done in the past, all the meds I had taken to TTC, and also told them that with EVERY PROCEDURE I HAD TO HAVE PROMETRIUM BECAUSE MY PROGESTERONE WAS LOW!!!!!  Did they care?  Apparently not!  They didn't know me from adam that day.  I had never been in their precious little clinic before.  Did I happen to mention, that I interrupted their Christmas Party....which they forgot to tell the "Little" base about so they wouldn't send patients over?  The only reason I even now know what the level was the day I found out I was pregnant is because I REQUESTED they check my progesterone level because I had a history of LOW PROGESTERONE, they weren't going to check it as part of the routine beginning pregnancy lab work. I even asked for a prescription because I knew it would be low, but the nurse told me it would take a week for the results to come back and that if the doc saw a problem with the result he would call a script in then.  Well guess what?  I never even made it to the end of that week, cause I miscarried. 

Today when I went in to see my doc I asked her to look up the results of my pregnancy blood work and guess what.....I WAS RIGHT! My progesterone level at 6 weeks 5 days gestation was 3.7.  Yep...you read that right.  IT WAS TOO LOW!!!!!  Levels for the 1st Trimester should be between 9 - 47.  My old RE's magic # was 20.  Those incompetent hacks at the "Big" base COULD have helped prevent my miscarriage.  I know that it wouldn't have been a sure thing that it would have saved the pregnancy but there was a chance that by having the Prometrium that I might not have miscarried! UGGGG!!!  I feel so helpless and ANGRY!!  I wish I could go bash all their heads in and make them hurt as much as I do! I know that isn't very Christian like to say, but it is how I feel.

My RH blood work came back as I expected, well part of it anyway.  I am B negative blood type, which I already knew.  It also came back NEGATIVE for antibodies, which doesn't mean that I haven't had a miscarriage before, it just means I never built up an antibodies.  But I am covered for next time cause I got the shot of Rhogam. 

Next I asked my doc about referring me to a local RE.  I had all his information written out to give to her so she would have it.  She then tells me that she can't give me a referral for that without sending me to the "Big" base first.  The "BIG BASE" has to do a COMPLETE INFERTILITY WORKUP BEFORE THEY WILL SEND ME ANYWHERE!  Even if I had just completed a cycle with a doc in our last city and then came straight here and asked for a referral!  Is that stupid or what?  Then once you get referred the RE is going to want to do all the same tests again! I just hope they don't do another HSG because I don't react well to those!  So now I basically have to go back to the screw ups at the "Big" base and tolerate whatever they put me through just to get seen by a REAL REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST!  Have a said how much I really HATE this?  I HATE, HATE, HATE IT!!!!  This is really going to test my Faith in God.  I know he will truly have to TEACH me PATIENCE during this!

So now I have to get copies of my records from my RE in B'ham, have another pelvic ultrasound, the DH has to have another SA (which he is going to love) and THEN when all of that is done my PCM will make the referral to the "Big" base.  Don't know what they will do, but I know what I have done.  I already made an appointment with the RE I want to see.  Everything I have been told about him is GREAT!!!  His first available appointment was March 30th!!!  How crazy is that!? So I am going to walk in there an tell them, I have an appointment with Dr. X on X day and I want my referral now because I refuse to be treated by incompetent people who don't know how to treat someone with PCOS, history of infertility and history of Low Progesterone!  Think that will get there attention?  If that doesn't I'm going to the commander of the hospital.  Watch and see if I don't!

So I held myself together after my Dr. appointment and getting my prescriptions and referral for the ultrasound....I don't have a pinched nerve by the way, she thinks it is tension related, hmmm, who would have guess.  I got to my car and I totally lost it.  I was crying uncontrollable.  I know if anyone saw me they probably thought I was insane.  I was going to call my DH but remembered he was teaching a class this morning and wouldn't be where I could reach him.  It was close to his lunch time though so I sent him an email and waited for him to call me back. It seemed like forever.  Finally I tried calling him and got him.  Then I broke down again!  By the time he got to me my sadness had turned to a combination of grief and anger all rolled into one.  One hug and I felt much better...not over it, just better.  We talked about everything that was said at my Dr. appointment and we processed it all or as much as we could during a lunch break.  I guess the main thing for us to focus on is that at least we somewhat have an answer as to why we lost our baby.  It is better than not knowing anything.

So that is my news today.  I have more to share, like about my first Therapy appointment yesterday, but I'll do it later.  So more to come soon.

Hoping for some answers

Well, I'm heading off to see my PCM this morning...in Military talk that is my Primary doctor on base.  I am going in really because I think I have a pinched nerve in my neck.  I have had a headache for a week and then funny pain when I bend down or strain my neck at all.  Anyway, I figured while I was there I might as well ask her about my Pregnancy blood work since I never was given the results of it because I miscarried before my 1st OB appointment. 

I want to know what my Progesterone level was and what the RH blood work showed.  These two will really give me the answers I am looking for.  They will tell me #1: Was I ever pregnant before and didn't know it so the RH factor played a role in the Miscarriage and #2: (and please excuse my language here) Did those dumb ass people at the clinic blow me off when Progesterone would have possibly saved my child!

So hopefully I will find some answers and a little peace today.  I will post later what I find out.

One Month Ago Today....

.....I became the Mommy of an Angel.  Our Angel Baby was with us for 7 weeks and 2 days.  In the past month I have spent much time searching for the "whys" it happened and blamed myself for many things. Is it possible that I could have prevented what happened?  What if I hadn't been sick with a cold and been taking medication to get over it? What if I had tested earlier and had known longer I was pregnant? What if I had insisted more strongly that they do an ultrasound that very first day? What if it hadn't taken the clinic a week to get my Progesterone test back and I had already been on Progesterone, would that have made a difference? What if....  I know everyone who has miscarried has these what if questions...but I am just having a hard time moving past this blame and all the what ifs. I pray everyday for the Lord to help me through this and to take this doubting and blame away from me. I know it will get better, I have HOPE and FAITH that it will!

To my Angel.....Mommy loves you and misses you everyday!

The Lord's loving kindness indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is thy Faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I have hope in Him." (Lam. 3:22-24)

1st Should Have Been

Today should have been my first OB appointment.  I should have seen my baby for the first time today, heard or seen his or her little heartbeat.  I really hadn't thought about it until someone I grew up with posted her sonogram picture this morning on Facebook announcing that she and her husband are expecting their second child.  The realization that I will never get that "picture" of my child that I lost really hit me.  Why didn't the nurse listen to me that very first day and just do a ultrasound!?!?!?!?  At least I would have a picture...even if it was just a gestational sac and you couldn't really see anything!  I HATE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TANGIBLE THAT SAYS YES I WAS PREGNANT!!!  A Picture would have made it tangible and real!  Maybe my DH would have considered it more real then, a "baby", if he had seen it.  I will never have that though. But today would have been the day I would have had that. The first picture of my first child.

Insomnia, Comfort Food and Comforting Words

As I sit here and type, Thursday has turned into Friday.  I have spent the better part of 3 days sleeping.  Monday, the only reason I got out of bed was because my DH was being promoted to MSgt and I went to his promotion ceremony.  On Tuesday my mom was supposed to come and help me take down the Christmas decorations but I just wasn't up for company or putting everything away yet, so I called and told her not to come, plus I had a splitting headache.  Other than going out to the bank real quick to make a deposit, I stayed in bed pretty much all day that day, all day Wednesday, and all day today.  I didn't realize until about 4:30 today that I had anything to eat or drink all day.  Good thing DH was bring dinner home with him!  Anyway, all this sleeping is probably why now, after midnight I am up and can't get to sleep. 

When I haven't been sleeping I have been reading my books that I ordered about Miscarriage and dealing with the grief of miscarriage. Of the 6 books, I have read 4 of them.  I have started doing the devotionals in the 5th one and the 6th book came in the mail today. So far, each of them have given me information that is helpful and they give me hope in moving past the grief that I am feeling over the loss of my baby.  I didn't realize it until today, but the past 3 days are the first days I have been alone since my miscarriage.  My DSS was here when it all happened and we were busy with him and Christmas so there was never a real "time" for me to grieve the loss of my child.  So here two weeks after the fact I think I am finally grieving in the way I probably would have that very first week if it had not been Christmas week and my DSS had not been here.

So back to my DH bringing me dinner tonight.  Whenever I don't feel good or I'm down, the one thing I enjoy eating the most is a Chicken Pot Pie from KFC.  I know that might sound weird but it is comfort food in the best form! To me anyway.  Well, Wednesday night he went to get me one and the girl told him they had been discontinued.  WHAT?  DISCONTINUED?? You can't discontinue the Pot pie!!!  That is UnAmerican!  Anyway, so he brought me something else home to eat Wednesday night.  He looked up KFC and we called the one that is on his way home from work and asked if they still had them and they said YES!!!  So tonight he stopped and brought me a Pot pie!  He really does love me :) As a friend of mine on Facebook so eloquently put it..."Chicken Pot Pie for the Soul" instead of Chicken Soup for the Soul! 

When we found out we were pregnant, we told a couple of close friends and a family member, but everyone else was to find out on Christmas.  That was supposed to be a wonderful and Joyous day for us to celebrate our great and long awaited news with everyone, even though it would have been early into the pregnancy.  One of the people we were going to be telling at Christmas was one of my dearest and closest friends "J". J and I have been friends since 7th grade.  She was my Matron of Honor when DH and I got married. Several years ago she was in a car accident and she is now a quadriplegic.  She was expecting her first child at the time of her accident.  She carried her DS for two more months before giving birth to him early.  He lived a few short hours before leaving this world and going to Heaven.  So J knows what it is to loose a child.  I wanted to tell her in person about the baby, but due to me being sick around Christmas and then with me miscarrying I never got to tell her I was expecting and then I never got to tell her that my little one has joined her DS in Heaven.  Today I got a card from her in the mail....Her mother and sisters help her with sending things to people since she is unable to write :) It was a wonderful card.  She said that her stepfather has seen my Facebook page and read about our news and that she was so very sorry, that her heart hurt for us because she knows the pain of the loss that I am experiencing.  I was so worried about how to tell her or if I should tell her about our Angel baby at all and now I don't have to worry cause she already knows.  She took the time to let me know that she loves me and is thinking about me and praying for me during this time.  Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve a friend such as J.  She is a blessing and I thank God for everyday for her! 

Lots of Reading to do

About a week ago, my DH and I went to a local bookstore so that I could look for a book on Miscarriage and Grief.  I thought if I had a book to read on the subject, it would help me work through the pain and grief that I feel over losing this baby.  So we went to a "major" bookstore.  I checked the parenting section.  All the books in the world about how to get pregnant, pregnancy and after pregnancy but nothing for miscarriage.  Go to the section on Grief, nothing specific for loss of a child.  Every section I could think of to look in there was NOTHING! Nada...zip.  The girl working customer service looked up "miscarriage" and said "Well, it says we should have one here."  She goes to find it but it isn't there.  Then she say, "Do you want to look at the titles and see which one you want us to order for you?"  I'm thinking to myself, "No, what I really want is to walk out of here and be able to read something but that isn't going to happen."  I thanked her and DH and I proceeded to the next place we thought we could find one...the "Christian Store".

In Pensacola there are two different Christian store chains, we went to the most "known" one first.  There again we hit a brick wall...nothing available but they could order me something.  At this point I'm thinking, but not saying, I CAN ORDER MY OWN BOOKS PEOPLE!!!  HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF AMAZON????  So we go to the second Christian store and once again we find nothing.  However there, the lady was very nice and seemed to understand what I was going through.  She apologized for not having anything available and suggested I go to the other two stores we had already been to. I told her we had already checked there.  Instead of saying, "we can order something for you", she said, "Well, I'm sure if you go to Amazon.com you could find something and there you can read about each book and decide which one is best for you.  If I order something for you here we will only know what the name of it is and it might not be what you are looking for and it would take a couple weeks to get it in. Amazon would be faster for you."  I thanked her and she said she hoped I found what I was looking for.  Then we left. 

I ordered several books off of Amazon later that day.  I actually got two of them before New Years Eve so I have been reading them for several days.  Today I got three more in, including the devotional that is specific for people who have gone through miscarriage or the loss of a child.  I even found one that is geared specifically toward women who deal with Infertility AND Miscarriage.  So I am very eager to read that book.  I guess the old saying that Knowledge is Power is true.  Through these books I hope that I can begin to heal and find some peace and understanding as to why I had to experience this miscarriage.  I may never know, but at least I can begin to help myself move past the grief.  I am hoping that my DH will read some of these as well.  I am not sure exactly how he is feeling in all of this because he doesn't share his feelings very easily.  But I am hoping that we can at least do the devotional book together and that way we experience some healing together, since this baby was our first child together.

After I read all the books I'll post my thoughts on them and all the details on each.  It should be interesting to get through them all but I know I can do it!

A New Year....Better things to come?

Even though 2010 ended the way it did for me, I have many things to be Thankful for that happened in 2010.  I got to spend time with an old friend battling breast cancer before she passed away, I renewed old friendships and made new ones on my High School reunion committee, I moved closer to my family, I bought a new house, I saw old friends here in Florida that I haven't seen in 12 years and for a few beautiful weeks I carried a miracle within me. 

For 2011 I am going to try to start the year with a positive attitude.  But unfortunately I am not off to a great start.  January 1st we had to take my DSS back to his mom.  He was originally supposed to be with us through today but his mom called Thursday and said she felt, "considering the situation here" he should come home early so he could have some "normalcy" in his routine before going back to school tomorrow.  He is 15 not 5....he doesn't need time to get back into any routine! Apparently, my behavior and reaction to my miscarriage had affected B enough that he had said something to his mom about me and she didn't feel the atmosphere here was "normal" so she wanted him home.  So my DH got 2 less days with his son during Christmas Vacation because of the ex-wife. I just want to SCREAM AND YELL at her but I can't.  Then when we got to the meeting spot I spoke to her and she never even acknowledged me.  I know you shouldn't say you hate someone but I really HATE HER!!!  I hate her actions towards my DH, I hate her actions towards her actions towards me and sometimes I hate the way she treats her son.

So after dropping off my DSS;  my DH and I, along with my Great-Nephew L(who had spent several days with us), went to my mom and dad's house for lunch and a day of football!  I LOVE FOOTBALL!  Anyway, L's dad, my Nephew, was there waiting for us.  We had a great day!  Then later that evening a friend of mine came over with her hubby, daughter, mom and dad.  The visit was going great....a lot of catching up.  Somehow the conversation turned to the night my friend's daughter was born.  Any other time hearing this story wouldn't have bothered me, but last night, was just not the night to hear it.  So I sat and endured hearing about her birth, then about my sister giving birth, about my own mother's story of going into labor with me and even my DH chimed in about his cousin giving birth to her first child.  COULD IT GET ANY WORSE?????  I was sitting there the whole time with my head down trying to contain myself and control the urge to scream at everyone to just SHUT UP!  My DH sat there, close to me, stroking my hair the whole time, trying to give me some comfort and support. 

I have never been so happy in my life when that conversation ended.  Like I said, any other time that whole conversation wouldn't have been hard to listen to but I am less than two weeks out from having my miscarriage, which everyone in that room knew about.  Did it ever occur to anyone of my loved ones that I might not want to hear this?  I know it was not talked about on purpose or to be hurtful, they probably never even thought about it, but it HURT to have to sit and listen to all of it.  All I could think about was that I was not going to get to share a story like that about this baby that I lost.  The only story I have to share about the "birth" of this baby is that I miscarried it and passed the "fetal tissue" sitting on a toilet and had to say a prayer and flush it down the toilet....all by myself.  I know that is graphic, but that is how I had to welcome and say good-bye to my baby.  Great story, huh?  Wonder how people would feel if I shared that story?

On the way home I asked my hubby if he thought anyone even thought twice about what they were talking about in front of me.  He said they probably didn't realize it would bother me and wouldn't have done it if they had realized that it would.  I guess I will come across other times when this will happen but also, as time goes by it won't be hard for me to hear stories like that.  Just right now, my heart is still tender.  I'm missing that little life that was growing inside of me and don't know what to do with the pain I feel.  So I will continue to blog how I feel.  At least I have this as an outlet, a diary of sorts.  So I will continue to blog about my experience and feelings and hope that, one day at a time I will heal. And 2011 will get better and better.  Each day will better, I just know it.

Results from the lab...It is offical

So I called this morning to get the result from my lab work I had done yesterday.  My HCG levels, as the nurse put it, "Dropped like a rock".  It was 368 last week (or something like that...can't remember, I have slept since then) and yesterday it was a whopping 3.15! Since the goal is for that number to be below 5 then we have reached that goal.  So the nurse said I officially don't have the pregnancy hormone left in me. I asked if I needed to be seen by a doc or what were the chances of having to have a DNC and she told me based on the numbers that it looks like I have passed everything, that there is nothing of the baby left and if there this my body will just absorb it.  I don't have to go in for a physical exam and no more blood work. I am done with them for now.  They will cancel my OB orientation and my first OB appointment that I had scheduled and she said she hoped to see me again soon and wished us luck.  And that was that.  I am "officially" no longer a Mommy-to-be.

I just find it crazy that I don't have to do anything else, and here just a little over a week after miscarrying my child there is nothing left of that horrible experience even happening because I am no longer even bleeding. It is like I just had a long cycle. Except for my positive home pregnancy tests and they memory of the few days I knew I was pregnant, there is nothing left of this pregnancy. Like it never happened.  If I had never tested two weeks ago I would have just thought I was having a really bad cycle that was lasting a while. 

I have had a couple of cycles in the past that were very similar to this "miscarriage" so it makes me wonder if I have miscarried before and never knew it.  I didn't always test because after a while you really get tired of POAS and seeing a BFN! So most of the time when a cycle ran long I didn't think anything of it.  But now I wonder.  I guess I will never know.  The main thing is we can start trying again in two months, which seems like forever to me since I am 38 and have been trying for so long with no results until now.  It makes me want to rebel and try sooner, but I will try to be a good girl and follow directions.  Guess we will need to go and invest in some "protection".  Yippee!

My Joys and Sorrows Part 2

So December 17th was the happiest day of my life to date...or should have been.  I finally had a little miracle nestled in my body, peacefully growing.  DH and I decided that we would tell our family on Christmas Day about our little surprise and we decided how we were going to do it. For my mom I found a candle holder that said Grandmother, for my dad we got a bib that said "I love Grandpa" and for my DSS we were going to get a t-shirt airbrushed that said "I'm The Big Brother"....kinda hard to find an adult extra large that says that. For my in-laws we were thinking of ways to call them and tell them.  The weekend went fine and come Monday I went back to work at the daycare where I sub some. Monday night I started having some light brown spotting, with a few little flecks of red, but it wasn't heavy and I wasn't cramping.  Everything I read said that this was normal in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

Tuesday, December 21st, I was still spotting some so I called the nurse and she said it was normal but to try to take it easy.  I told my boss and I took it easy the rest of the day.  Sat as much as I could, didn't lift anything or any kids.  I did as little as possible.  I left work and by the time I got home to my mom and dads...where I was staying....the spotting was worse and I was starting to cramp some.  My DH was already on his way over so we could tell my parents and his son.  Then we were going to call the doc and see what we needed to do. 

We got to my parent's house at the same time.  We went in and gave my mom and dad and my DSS their "early Christmas gifts".  This was not how I wanted to tell them...I wanted to tell them on Christmas day and let them know that everything was fine.  My dad was the first one to figure it out I think.  It took my mom seeing the bib to actually register what her gift meant and my DSS just grinned cause he is 15 and has wanted this for the last 7 years. After the excitement of the news we had to let them know that they didn't need to be too excited because I was spotting and cramping and that is why we went ahead and told them cause I might have to go to the ER. 

I then called the on call doc and the nurse practitioner on duty told me to go on into the ER due to my history of infertility. Before we left the house I was actually starting to bleed, not just spot, but it still wasn't bad.  They checked me in pretty quickly.  The nurses and the doc were really nice.  They listened as we explained our history of infertility and how we got to this miraculous pregnancy.  We also talked about the RH factor and how my DH and I are opposite blood types and how I have wondered about a couple of my cycles in the past and how I thought maybe they had been miscarriages but they were never confirmed.  I got sent off for an ultrasound, which was painfully and made me bleed more cause it irritated my cervix....but I also think it helped bring on the miscarriage also, if that makes sense.  Before the ultrasound I wasn't cramping much at all and bleeding very little and after it all went down hill.  Anyway, they came and took blood, gave me a pain pill and I just waited on the doc to come back.  He came back and told me basically what in my heart I already knew.  There was no sac visible in the ultrasound which meant I was either not as far along as I thought I was or it was a non-viable pregnancy.  My HCG numbers were really low for where they should have been at 7w2d also, they were at 3 week levels. So he gave me the option of being admitted or going home and checking with my doc the next day and having my HCG checked again.  He also gave me the option of getting my shot of Rhogam that night or waiting until I saw my doc. I told him we would just go home and follow up with my doc the next day on both accounts.

When I got up to get dressed I was bleeding heavily and I knew it was over.  The nurse got me a pad and I went in the bathroom across the hall and cleaned up and got dressed.  I didn't cry until I got back to the room with DH.  I told him it was over for sure, I just knew it was.  As we were leaving the hospital I saw someone I have known since childhood out in the waiting room.  She was someone I never expected to see there, but was an odd source of comfort at that very moment.  She asked what was wrong and I told her.  She hugged me and told me it would be ok and that she would pray for me. She let me cry on her shoulder and that meant more than she will ever know. 

We drove back to my mom and dad's house.  The whole way I felt numb. When we got back there we got ready to bring me back home.  I went to the bathroom before leaving and realized that I had passed a large mass of tissue.  I don't know how else to describe it and I'm sorry if that is too graphic for anyone reading this. It wasn't a clot.  All I could do was look at it and think, "Is this my baby that I'm about to flush down the toilet?".  I got so upset, but with my parents and stepson in the next room I couldn't do what I wanted to do that was scream!  I tried to get DH to look and see what he thought but he wouldn't look, so I said a prayer and that was that.  I flushed my child down the toilet like you flush a dead fish....or at least that is how I feel about it!  I HATE THAT I HAD TO DO THAT!!!!!!  I'm SAD that I had to do that!  It breaks my heart.

Anyway, the next day I went into see the nurse.  They rechecked my HCG level, it had gone down to 368 from 1170 the night before, and they gave me the shot of Rhogam to help in case there was any blood exchange with this pregnancy.  I have to go back once a week until my HCG level is below 5.  They didn't say anything about a DNC or how long I would bleed or how long it would take for my body to complete the miscarriage.  I feel a little lost and uneducated where that is concerned.  They also didn't tell me if I need to have an exam a few weeks after the miscarriage but things I have read online say that I should.  So I have lots to ask tomorrow when I talk to the nurse.  I went today for my follow-up HCG but will find out the result tomorrow. 

Emotionally I am doing ok.  I will heal but it will take time.  I have to mourn and grieve for my child, because even though I only knew about him or her for a few days it was still a part of me and my DH.  Christmas was hard for me because it was supposed to be such a day of happiness when we shared our little miracle with all of our family and friends that have been on this Infertility Journey with us.  Everyone keeps telling me to look at the bright side, at least I know I can get pregnant now.  I know that is a positive, but it doesn't give me my baby back.