Friday, December 31, 2010

Results from the lab...It is offical

So I called this morning to get the result from my lab work I had done yesterday.  My HCG levels, as the nurse put it, "Dropped like a rock".  It was 368 last week (or something like that...can't remember, I have slept since then) and yesterday it was a whopping 3.15! Since the goal is for that number to be below 5 then we have reached that goal.  So the nurse said I officially don't have the pregnancy hormone left in me. I asked if I needed to be seen by a doc or what were the chances of having to have a DNC and she told me based on the numbers that it looks like I have passed everything, that there is nothing of the baby left and if there this my body will just absorb it.  I don't have to go in for a physical exam and no more blood work. I am done with them for now.  They will cancel my OB orientation and my first OB appointment that I had scheduled and she said she hoped to see me again soon and wished us luck.  And that was that.  I am "officially" no longer a Mommy-to-be.

I just find it crazy that I don't have to do anything else, and here just a little over a week after miscarrying my child there is nothing left of that horrible experience even happening because I am no longer even bleeding. It is like I just had a long cycle. Except for my positive home pregnancy tests and they memory of the few days I knew I was pregnant, there is nothing left of this pregnancy. Like it never happened.  If I had never tested two weeks ago I would have just thought I was having a really bad cycle that was lasting a while. 

I have had a couple of cycles in the past that were very similar to this "miscarriage" so it makes me wonder if I have miscarried before and never knew it.  I didn't always test because after a while you really get tired of POAS and seeing a BFN! So most of the time when a cycle ran long I didn't think anything of it.  But now I wonder.  I guess I will never know.  The main thing is we can start trying again in two months, which seems like forever to me since I am 38 and have been trying for so long with no results until now.  It makes me want to rebel and try sooner, but I will try to be a good girl and follow directions.  Guess we will need to go and invest in some "protection".  Yippee!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Joys and Sorrows Part 2

So December 17th was the happiest day of my life to date...or should have been.  I finally had a little miracle nestled in my body, peacefully growing.  DH and I decided that we would tell our family on Christmas Day about our little surprise and we decided how we were going to do it. For my mom I found a candle holder that said Grandmother, for my dad we got a bib that said "I love Grandpa" and for my DSS we were going to get a t-shirt airbrushed that said "I'm The Big Brother"....kinda hard to find an adult extra large that says that. For my in-laws we were thinking of ways to call them and tell them.  The weekend went fine and come Monday I went back to work at the daycare where I sub some. Monday night I started having some light brown spotting, with a few little flecks of red, but it wasn't heavy and I wasn't cramping.  Everything I read said that this was normal in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

Tuesday, December 21st, I was still spotting some so I called the nurse and she said it was normal but to try to take it easy.  I told my boss and I took it easy the rest of the day.  Sat as much as I could, didn't lift anything or any kids.  I did as little as possible.  I left work and by the time I got home to my mom and dads...where I was staying....the spotting was worse and I was starting to cramp some.  My DH was already on his way over so we could tell my parents and his son.  Then we were going to call the doc and see what we needed to do. 

We got to my parent's house at the same time.  We went in and gave my mom and dad and my DSS their "early Christmas gifts".  This was not how I wanted to tell them...I wanted to tell them on Christmas day and let them know that everything was fine.  My dad was the first one to figure it out I think.  It took my mom seeing the bib to actually register what her gift meant and my DSS just grinned cause he is 15 and has wanted this for the last 7 years. After the excitement of the news we had to let them know that they didn't need to be too excited because I was spotting and cramping and that is why we went ahead and told them cause I might have to go to the ER. 

I then called the on call doc and the nurse practitioner on duty told me to go on into the ER due to my history of infertility. Before we left the house I was actually starting to bleed, not just spot, but it still wasn't bad.  They checked me in pretty quickly.  The nurses and the doc were really nice.  They listened as we explained our history of infertility and how we got to this miraculous pregnancy.  We also talked about the RH factor and how my DH and I are opposite blood types and how I have wondered about a couple of my cycles in the past and how I thought maybe they had been miscarriages but they were never confirmed.  I got sent off for an ultrasound, which was painfully and made me bleed more cause it irritated my cervix....but I also think it helped bring on the miscarriage also, if that makes sense.  Before the ultrasound I wasn't cramping much at all and bleeding very little and after it all went down hill.  Anyway, they came and took blood, gave me a pain pill and I just waited on the doc to come back.  He came back and told me basically what in my heart I already knew.  There was no sac visible in the ultrasound which meant I was either not as far along as I thought I was or it was a non-viable pregnancy.  My HCG numbers were really low for where they should have been at 7w2d also, they were at 3 week levels. So he gave me the option of being admitted or going home and checking with my doc the next day and having my HCG checked again.  He also gave me the option of getting my shot of Rhogam that night or waiting until I saw my doc. I told him we would just go home and follow up with my doc the next day on both accounts.

When I got up to get dressed I was bleeding heavily and I knew it was over.  The nurse got me a pad and I went in the bathroom across the hall and cleaned up and got dressed.  I didn't cry until I got back to the room with DH.  I told him it was over for sure, I just knew it was.  As we were leaving the hospital I saw someone I have known since childhood out in the waiting room.  She was someone I never expected to see there, but was an odd source of comfort at that very moment.  She asked what was wrong and I told her.  She hugged me and told me it would be ok and that she would pray for me. She let me cry on her shoulder and that meant more than she will ever know. 

We drove back to my mom and dad's house.  The whole way I felt numb. When we got back there we got ready to bring me back home.  I went to the bathroom before leaving and realized that I had passed a large mass of tissue.  I don't know how else to describe it and I'm sorry if that is too graphic for anyone reading this. It wasn't a clot.  All I could do was look at it and think, "Is this my baby that I'm about to flush down the toilet?".  I got so upset, but with my parents and stepson in the next room I couldn't do what I wanted to do that was scream!  I tried to get DH to look and see what he thought but he wouldn't look, so I said a prayer and that was that.  I flushed my child down the toilet like you flush a dead fish....or at least that is how I feel about it!  I HATE THAT I HAD TO DO THAT!!!!!!  I'm SAD that I had to do that!  It breaks my heart.

Anyway, the next day I went into see the nurse.  They rechecked my HCG level, it had gone down to 368 from 1170 the night before, and they gave me the shot of Rhogam to help in case there was any blood exchange with this pregnancy.  I have to go back once a week until my HCG level is below 5.  They didn't say anything about a DNC or how long I would bleed or how long it would take for my body to complete the miscarriage.  I feel a little lost and uneducated where that is concerned.  They also didn't tell me if I need to have an exam a few weeks after the miscarriage but things I have read online say that I should.  So I have lots to ask tomorrow when I talk to the nurse.  I went today for my follow-up HCG but will find out the result tomorrow. 

Emotionally I am doing ok.  I will heal but it will take time.  I have to mourn and grieve for my child, because even though I only knew about him or her for a few days it was still a part of me and my DH.  Christmas was hard for me because it was supposed to be such a day of happiness when we shared our little miracle with all of our family and friends that have been on this Infertility Journey with us.  Everyone keeps telling me to look at the bright side, at least I know I can get pregnant now.  I know that is a positive, but it doesn't give me my baby back.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Joys and Sorrows Part 1

I am going to have to do this in a couple of parts because I know I will never be able to catch up all my thoughts and my goings on in one sit down and blog session.  Too much has happened, so I'll do what I can tonight and then do the rest tomorrow...or should I say, later today. 

Two weeks before Thanksgiving my DH and I closed on our first home and one week before Thanksgiving moved in.  With the help of my wonderful mother I was able to host a small group of people from DH's class on base for Thanksgiving, since they didn't have anywhere else to go.  I was happy to help and enjoyed the day immensely!  Slowly but surely our house is coming together and we are settling in. Finally I am feeling settled and I feel like I am "Home".

During this time however I have really dreaded the end of the year.  Thanksgiving means that Christmas is not far behind and then the New year which means another year has started with me not being a mother.  My self imposed pity party started fairly early....reference my two previous posts.  I just dread the end of the year because I look back and think, "What have I accomplished?  NOTHING!"

With the end of this year came not only my self pity and depressing thoughts of how I wasn't a mother yet, but two baby of which I found out at the last minute wasn't just for one person, but was for 3 people!  Yep, 3 pregnant people at the same time and I was expected to go and put on a happy face and enjoy myself!  Oh and did I mention that I was supposed to make the cake for this baby shower?  I volunteered to make the cake when it was supposed to be for just the one person I knew, then they threw in the other 2 people and didn't even bother to offer to pay me for the cake....hmmm, how rude!  This was preceded by a shower for a close friend of mine who told me last May that they were thinking about trying to get pregnant again and she got pregnant the first time out.  I love her to death but envy her more than she will ever know.  I just couldn't go to her shower either, no matter how hard I tried.  My heart and mind couldn't stand up to the task or the test of going.  I felt very guilty but I had to do it as a self preservation tactic.

In the midst of all this I continued to think of how depressing it was that another Christmas was coming and I wasn't expecting or I didn't have a child.  My DH and I actually started talking about looking into Foster care and adoption after the first of the year.  I had even found a little girl who is 6 who needs a home that we were considering fostering and/or adopting possibly. 

But then on December 17th we got thrown a curve ball.  For a couple of weeks I had been thinking my cycle was going to start.  My breasts had been a little tender and I had spotted some, but AF never showed.  Something just told me to POAS so I did and SURPRISE!  I got a BFP!!!  The first one I have ever gotten!!  I was in total shock.  The plus sign popped up very quickly.  I stared at it in disbelief!  I thought to myself...I have a digital.  Gotta get the digital.  So I got up, got it and tested again.  That was the longest 30 seconds of my life but the word I longed to see show up did, "Pregnant".  I broke out into hysterics.  My DH thought I was having a panic attack and rushed into the bathroom.  I just shoved both tests in his face.  He looks at them and says, "Well, how did that happen?"  LOL  How did it happen?  Really?  That is all you can ask?  We have not worked with a doc since February or March really and it happens naturally when we least expect it.  Next thing DH says is, "Well, I guess you really have to get a job now." Not what you really want to hear after trying to get pregnant for 5 years.  If I could have killed him right then and there I would have.  That hurt me more than he will ever know.  The total joy of the moment left me and I felt sadness that I was carrying this child inside me.  HOW COULD I BE SAD??????  BUT I WAS!!!  AND I FELT HORRIBLE ALL BECAUSE OF MY INSENSITIVE HUSBAND!!!!!  What the hell was I supposed to feel now?!

I called the clinic and found out what I was supposed to do, then I called my cousin because I needed to talk to someone.  The rest of the day was surreal and happened almost in slow motion.  It should have been a day of joy and happiness yet I couldn't be happy because all I could think about was what my DH had said about me getting a job.  We eventually talked about it and he apologized for saying what he did but the damage was already done.  Can't take back the moment of finding out you are expecting your first child and how you react to it.  wish you could but you can't.  Anyway, we managed to find some happiness and we were cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy after it was confirmed and we were given the EDD of Aug. 7, 2011.  However our joy was short lived.....