Friday, December 31, 2010

Results from the lab...It is offical

So I called this morning to get the result from my lab work I had done yesterday.  My HCG levels, as the nurse put it, "Dropped like a rock".  It was 368 last week (or something like that...can't remember, I have slept since then) and yesterday it was a whopping 3.15! Since the goal is for that number to be below 5 then we have reached that goal.  So the nurse said I officially don't have the pregnancy hormone left in me. I asked if I needed to be seen by a doc or what were the chances of having to have a DNC and she told me based on the numbers that it looks like I have passed everything, that there is nothing of the baby left and if there this my body will just absorb it.  I don't have to go in for a physical exam and no more blood work. I am done with them for now.  They will cancel my OB orientation and my first OB appointment that I had scheduled and she said she hoped to see me again soon and wished us luck.  And that was that.  I am "officially" no longer a Mommy-to-be.

I just find it crazy that I don't have to do anything else, and here just a little over a week after miscarrying my child there is nothing left of that horrible experience even happening because I am no longer even bleeding. It is like I just had a long cycle. Except for my positive home pregnancy tests and they memory of the few days I knew I was pregnant, there is nothing left of this pregnancy. Like it never happened.  If I had never tested two weeks ago I would have just thought I was having a really bad cycle that was lasting a while. 

I have had a couple of cycles in the past that were very similar to this "miscarriage" so it makes me wonder if I have miscarried before and never knew it.  I didn't always test because after a while you really get tired of POAS and seeing a BFN! So most of the time when a cycle ran long I didn't think anything of it.  But now I wonder.  I guess I will never know.  The main thing is we can start trying again in two months, which seems like forever to me since I am 38 and have been trying for so long with no results until now.  It makes me want to rebel and try sooner, but I will try to be a good girl and follow directions.  Guess we will need to go and invest in some "protection".  Yippee!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Joys and Sorrows Part 2

So December 17th was the happiest day of my life to date...or should have been.  I finally had a little miracle nestled in my body, peacefully growing.  DH and I decided that we would tell our family on Christmas Day about our little surprise and we decided how we were going to do it. For my mom I found a candle holder that said Grandmother, for my dad we got a bib that said "I love Grandpa" and for my DSS we were going to get a t-shirt airbrushed that said "I'm The Big Brother"....kinda hard to find an adult extra large that says that. For my in-laws we were thinking of ways to call them and tell them.  The weekend went fine and come Monday I went back to work at the daycare where I sub some. Monday night I started having some light brown spotting, with a few little flecks of red, but it wasn't heavy and I wasn't cramping.  Everything I read said that this was normal in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

Tuesday, December 21st, I was still spotting some so I called the nurse and she said it was normal but to try to take it easy.  I told my boss and I took it easy the rest of the day.  Sat as much as I could, didn't lift anything or any kids.  I did as little as possible.  I left work and by the time I got home to my mom and dads...where I was staying....the spotting was worse and I was starting to cramp some.  My DH was already on his way over so we could tell my parents and his son.  Then we were going to call the doc and see what we needed to do. 

We got to my parent's house at the same time.  We went in and gave my mom and dad and my DSS their "early Christmas gifts".  This was not how I wanted to tell them...I wanted to tell them on Christmas day and let them know that everything was fine.  My dad was the first one to figure it out I think.  It took my mom seeing the bib to actually register what her gift meant and my DSS just grinned cause he is 15 and has wanted this for the last 7 years. After the excitement of the news we had to let them know that they didn't need to be too excited because I was spotting and cramping and that is why we went ahead and told them cause I might have to go to the ER. 

I then called the on call doc and the nurse practitioner on duty told me to go on into the ER due to my history of infertility. Before we left the house I was actually starting to bleed, not just spot, but it still wasn't bad.  They checked me in pretty quickly.  The nurses and the doc were really nice.  They listened as we explained our history of infertility and how we got to this miraculous pregnancy.  We also talked about the RH factor and how my DH and I are opposite blood types and how I have wondered about a couple of my cycles in the past and how I thought maybe they had been miscarriages but they were never confirmed.  I got sent off for an ultrasound, which was painfully and made me bleed more cause it irritated my cervix....but I also think it helped bring on the miscarriage also, if that makes sense.  Before the ultrasound I wasn't cramping much at all and bleeding very little and after it all went down hill.  Anyway, they came and took blood, gave me a pain pill and I just waited on the doc to come back.  He came back and told me basically what in my heart I already knew.  There was no sac visible in the ultrasound which meant I was either not as far along as I thought I was or it was a non-viable pregnancy.  My HCG numbers were really low for where they should have been at 7w2d also, they were at 3 week levels. So he gave me the option of being admitted or going home and checking with my doc the next day and having my HCG checked again.  He also gave me the option of getting my shot of Rhogam that night or waiting until I saw my doc. I told him we would just go home and follow up with my doc the next day on both accounts.

When I got up to get dressed I was bleeding heavily and I knew it was over.  The nurse got me a pad and I went in the bathroom across the hall and cleaned up and got dressed.  I didn't cry until I got back to the room with DH.  I told him it was over for sure, I just knew it was.  As we were leaving the hospital I saw someone I have known since childhood out in the waiting room.  She was someone I never expected to see there, but was an odd source of comfort at that very moment.  She asked what was wrong and I told her.  She hugged me and told me it would be ok and that she would pray for me. She let me cry on her shoulder and that meant more than she will ever know. 

We drove back to my mom and dad's house.  The whole way I felt numb. When we got back there we got ready to bring me back home.  I went to the bathroom before leaving and realized that I had passed a large mass of tissue.  I don't know how else to describe it and I'm sorry if that is too graphic for anyone reading this. It wasn't a clot.  All I could do was look at it and think, "Is this my baby that I'm about to flush down the toilet?".  I got so upset, but with my parents and stepson in the next room I couldn't do what I wanted to do that was scream!  I tried to get DH to look and see what he thought but he wouldn't look, so I said a prayer and that was that.  I flushed my child down the toilet like you flush a dead fish....or at least that is how I feel about it!  I HATE THAT I HAD TO DO THAT!!!!!!  I'm SAD that I had to do that!  It breaks my heart.

Anyway, the next day I went into see the nurse.  They rechecked my HCG level, it had gone down to 368 from 1170 the night before, and they gave me the shot of Rhogam to help in case there was any blood exchange with this pregnancy.  I have to go back once a week until my HCG level is below 5.  They didn't say anything about a DNC or how long I would bleed or how long it would take for my body to complete the miscarriage.  I feel a little lost and uneducated where that is concerned.  They also didn't tell me if I need to have an exam a few weeks after the miscarriage but things I have read online say that I should.  So I have lots to ask tomorrow when I talk to the nurse.  I went today for my follow-up HCG but will find out the result tomorrow. 

Emotionally I am doing ok.  I will heal but it will take time.  I have to mourn and grieve for my child, because even though I only knew about him or her for a few days it was still a part of me and my DH.  Christmas was hard for me because it was supposed to be such a day of happiness when we shared our little miracle with all of our family and friends that have been on this Infertility Journey with us.  Everyone keeps telling me to look at the bright side, at least I know I can get pregnant now.  I know that is a positive, but it doesn't give me my baby back.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Joys and Sorrows Part 1

I am going to have to do this in a couple of parts because I know I will never be able to catch up all my thoughts and my goings on in one sit down and blog session.  Too much has happened, so I'll do what I can tonight and then do the rest tomorrow...or should I say, later today. 

Two weeks before Thanksgiving my DH and I closed on our first home and one week before Thanksgiving moved in.  With the help of my wonderful mother I was able to host a small group of people from DH's class on base for Thanksgiving, since they didn't have anywhere else to go.  I was happy to help and enjoyed the day immensely!  Slowly but surely our house is coming together and we are settling in. Finally I am feeling settled and I feel like I am "Home".

During this time however I have really dreaded the end of the year.  Thanksgiving means that Christmas is not far behind and then the New year which means another year has started with me not being a mother.  My self imposed pity party started fairly early....reference my two previous posts.  I just dread the end of the year because I look back and think, "What have I accomplished?  NOTHING!"

With the end of this year came not only my self pity and depressing thoughts of how I wasn't a mother yet, but two baby of which I found out at the last minute wasn't just for one person, but was for 3 people!  Yep, 3 pregnant people at the same time and I was expected to go and put on a happy face and enjoy myself!  Oh and did I mention that I was supposed to make the cake for this baby shower?  I volunteered to make the cake when it was supposed to be for just the one person I knew, then they threw in the other 2 people and didn't even bother to offer to pay me for the cake....hmmm, how rude!  This was preceded by a shower for a close friend of mine who told me last May that they were thinking about trying to get pregnant again and she got pregnant the first time out.  I love her to death but envy her more than she will ever know.  I just couldn't go to her shower either, no matter how hard I tried.  My heart and mind couldn't stand up to the task or the test of going.  I felt very guilty but I had to do it as a self preservation tactic.

In the midst of all this I continued to think of how depressing it was that another Christmas was coming and I wasn't expecting or I didn't have a child.  My DH and I actually started talking about looking into Foster care and adoption after the first of the year.  I had even found a little girl who is 6 who needs a home that we were considering fostering and/or adopting possibly. 

But then on December 17th we got thrown a curve ball.  For a couple of weeks I had been thinking my cycle was going to start.  My breasts had been a little tender and I had spotted some, but AF never showed.  Something just told me to POAS so I did and SURPRISE!  I got a BFP!!!  The first one I have ever gotten!!  I was in total shock.  The plus sign popped up very quickly.  I stared at it in disbelief!  I thought to myself...I have a digital.  Gotta get the digital.  So I got up, got it and tested again.  That was the longest 30 seconds of my life but the word I longed to see show up did, "Pregnant".  I broke out into hysterics.  My DH thought I was having a panic attack and rushed into the bathroom.  I just shoved both tests in his face.  He looks at them and says, "Well, how did that happen?"  LOL  How did it happen?  Really?  That is all you can ask?  We have not worked with a doc since February or March really and it happens naturally when we least expect it.  Next thing DH says is, "Well, I guess you really have to get a job now." Not what you really want to hear after trying to get pregnant for 5 years.  If I could have killed him right then and there I would have.  That hurt me more than he will ever know.  The total joy of the moment left me and I felt sadness that I was carrying this child inside me.  HOW COULD I BE SAD??????  BUT I WAS!!!  AND I FELT HORRIBLE ALL BECAUSE OF MY INSENSITIVE HUSBAND!!!!!  What the hell was I supposed to feel now?!

I called the clinic and found out what I was supposed to do, then I called my cousin because I needed to talk to someone.  The rest of the day was surreal and happened almost in slow motion.  It should have been a day of joy and happiness yet I couldn't be happy because all I could think about was what my DH had said about me getting a job.  We eventually talked about it and he apologized for saying what he did but the damage was already done.  Can't take back the moment of finding out you are expecting your first child and how you react to it.  wish you could but you can't.  Anyway, we managed to find some happiness and we were cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy after it was confirmed and we were given the EDD of Aug. 7, 2011.  However our joy was short lived.....

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Another Song to lend us all Faith and Strength I'm still finding it hard to put my feelings into words here recently so here is another video that I lift up as a Prayer for those of us who are waiting for God to send us our little Miracles!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Feelings beyond my own words....

If you have read my last few posts you will know that I have been struggling lately.  My faith is not strong right now.  I am trying to find strength in God who I know has a plan and a purpose.  I am trying to KEEP MY HOPE in HIM!  But some days it is just hard to do, so today I offer up this prayer for me and all who, like me are waiting:

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Where is Time Going and When Will it be My TIme?

So this past July I had my 20th High School Class Reunion.  There are several of us in my class who do not have children yet.  However, having only been out of school 20 years, we also already have classmates who are Grandparents!  Which brings me to what I am writing about tonight. 

I saw on Facebook tonight where another of my classmates is going to be a grandmother as of today.  3 hours ago she was still at the hospital waiting for news of the birth of her grandson.  This wouldn't have bothered me much except that she and I were born 3 days apart.  Her and her mother were released from the hospital the afternoon on the day I was born, so technically she and I were in the nursery together for a few short hours.  I know this may sound weird but it just makes me feel like I am totally missing out on something here.  She is the same age as I and her child is already making her a grandmother. Now granted we are only 38, and I think her daughter is only 18 but still....I just can't seem to wrap my head around the thought that If I have a child, it will be younger than the grandchild of my classmate who is the same age!  Why am I made to wait to be a mom when others around me are becoming grandmothers?  Why am I made to wait to be a mom when there are others around me who don't take care of the kids they have or really want the kids they have, yet they keep having them?!?!?!  I just want to know why? When will it be MY TIME?

UGG...I just hate all this waiting and not knowing.  I have just really been having some bad days lately.  AF decided to finally show.  I was starting to get a little hopeful since I was a week late but I think stress is what caused that delay.  I have been in so much pain the past couple of days.  My cramps are getting so much worse with my cycles.  I have never had this much trouble before.  I am definitely going to say something to the doc next time I go in.  I'm thinking that maybe they need to check me for Endo, since that has never been done. I just can't wait to finally get into my new doc so we can get started with everything again.  We have to or I am going to go insane...really!

Anyway, still plugging along with my healthy eating.  Haven't been walking this week due to the weather but I'm packing up the house getting ready for our move into our new house so that has to count for something.  Just as long as the scale shows a difference that is all that matters. 

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Feeling a bit out of sorts....

I will start off on a positive note, I have lost 5 pounds towards my first 35 pound goal! And I completed the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk today in Memory of my friend Robyn and in honor of several others who have battled this horrible disease. 3 miles of walking and I didn't sit down once, which was an accomplishment for me, cause I'm a big girl :) I did good!

So the closer to the end of the year the more down in the dumps I get.  Here it is the early morning of Halloween and where am I in my infertility journey?  About 100 steps behind where I was a year ago! Or so it seems.  First the wreck and then the move.  I swore to myself I would not go another Christmas without being a mommy and here it is sneaking up on me and do I have a child to buy for, nope. 

What is the point?  Sometimes I so want to just throw in the towel and say I give up, I'm done.  But then I remember how badly I want a child and I just can't give up yet.  My desire to be a mom is so great I just don't know what to do with this energy that I have bottled up inside of me! I have no outlet for it!  Right now I am packing and getting ready for our move into the new house.  That is taking a lot of my time, but it also gives me more time to think that I care for. I'd rather just crawl under the covers and stay in bed until it all just magically all goes away! Can I do that please?  Is there someone who can make that happen? Does someone have a magic lamp I can wish one or a genie I can use a wish up on?

I know God must be tired of hearing my prayers over and over.  They always turn out the same so lately I've just been say, "Ok God, you know the prayer, so can you help a sister out please?"  I just don't know what to pray anymore.  I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH AND TRUST GOD & HIS TIMING BUT IT HURTS AND I DON"T HAVE THE STRENGTH SOME DAYS TO FIGHT!!!  WHY is it so difficult?  WHY???

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Two Feet Rooted in the Past...None in the Future?

Everyone comes from somewhere.  I am lucky to have a family who keeps up with the family members of the past, or to an extent anyway.  So 2 years ago I began doing ancestry research.  Really I was just picking up where my maternal Grandfather started many years ago.  When I was little he would tell me stories about his parents and how one of his Grandmother's was Creek Indian.  For many years he tried to "prove" our Native American Heritage but kept hitting road block after road block.  However if you look at the following picture, you will see that she truly did have some Indian in her (she is the one of the far left and my grandfather is the little boy standing right next to her)....but if you can't "prove" it well, what can you do?

So my journey to "prove" where I came from started, so that future generations of MY LINE know where they came from.  The first few months of my searching online, I would lose track of time and before I knew it, it would be 4am and I would sneak into bed so my husband wouldn't know that I had been spending so much time "searching".  I'm pretty sure my incessant and obsessive need to "find" where I came from stems from all of my infertility issues.  My paternal grandmother is 93 and constantly tells me stories about things she remembers from her childhood.  She has even written a book/journal, if you want to call it is handwritten and in a spiral notebook.  She tells about her life growing up, wrote stories that her grandmother used to tell her and shared her perspective on how she saw her parents, my Great-grandparents.  Right after I began my searching I spent most of my time finding her line of the family and for Christmas that year I gave her a printed and bound copy of an Ancestry report that went back 13 generations on her father's side of the family.  She loves her book so much, my dad says that now, two years later she looks at it everyday. 

About a year ago, my Grandmother and I were talking one day about old pictures and I was telling her how I would love to have copies of them.  She told me that I could copy them because since I didn't have anyone to pass the originals down to, those would go to someone else in the family.  WOW!  Did that ever HURT!  Nothing like sticking a knife in your grandchild's heart and twisting a little.  Yes I don't have children yet...cause of the infertility.  And YES my Grandmother KNOWS WHY!  But for her to say that was devastating to say the least.  She is 93, but that isn't an excuse for saying what she did.  But she is old Texas lady who speaks her mind.  After that comment it made my searching even that more frantic.  I secretly search her house when I am there for old pictures so I can scan them so I at least have a "copy" since I am not WORTHY of having the ORIGINALS since I don't have kids.....YET! 

I have done as much research as I can on my dad's side of the family for now and have turned my sights back to my mom's side, which is where I had originally started.  This side of the family originated not far from where I moved from recently in Alabama and where we are still kinda close to.  One day I took off with my GPS and the name of a Cemetery in this rural part of a county south of us and I found the graves of my Great Great Great Grandfather and Grandmother!  That was really cool!  But then I got busy with the move and put my searching on hold.  Until yesterday.

Yesterday I found myself up in the same area of Alabama and I got the old yearning to "look" for my past yet again (my Grandfather would be so proud).  So armed with my computer and GPS I found where my Great Grandmother was buried! (She is the lady on the far right in the picture above.)  It took me all day to find it but I found it just as the sun was going down.  I stood over her grave and wondered if she ever thought about what the future would hold and if she would ever have someone come and find her and say, "This is who I came from."  I think about this ALL THE TIME!!!  I want that more than anything in the world and I think that is what I am afraid of the most....that after all of this, I will know where I came from but there will be no one in the future to find me to say, "I came from her!"  What if my footsteps here on earth are the last of my line?  What if I leave no link for the future? What if there is no one to name their child after me because it was a beautiful old family name? What if this is it? Am I searching for nothing?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Ramblings at 2am

So we are building a house. There is just DH and I, except for every other weekend when my DSS "B" comes to visit.  This house we are building is a 4 bedroom...yes, a 4 bedroom.  We have so much stuff and I am just tired of having to "find" places to put things that I wanted enough room.  Plus with us trying to get pregnant I wanted us to have enough room to "GROW" into our family. So one room of course will be B's room, one will be a guest room and the other room will be our office/library/future baby's room.  While I was on my girls cruise, B was down visiting his maternal grandparents who live close to us, so DH took him to see the new house.  Well, B decided which room was going to be his....because it was the "biggest" of the 3 extra rooms.  Other than the Master Bedroom, all the bedrooms are the same size.  I had already decided which rooms I was going to give B a choice between and the room he chose was not one of them but my DH doesn't agree with what I have in mind.  I really think I should have a say as to which room MY FUTURE CHILD goes in! Shouldn't I? I don't want to be switching rooms around 6 months or 12 months or however long it takes for us to conceive or adopt!  Is that wrong?

How stupid is it that I laid in bed tonight letting this worry me?  But for the life of me I could not get it out of my mind.  We went to the house today and I sat down on the floor in the room I want to put MY child in and I dreamed of what that room would be like with a crib in it and toys on the floor. And all those things that make it a child's room. I could almost hear the soft in and out of breaths from a tiny body and smell the smell that can only be described as "baby". So now I have to either be the bad guy or be the bigger person and let B have the room he wants, while all the time wishing it were MY child's room. This is me just being selfish but this will be my house and B will only be there a minimum amount of time.  He is 15 now and in 9th grade, so he doesn't have much longer at home and he lives with his mom in another state the majority of the time.  I just don't know what to do.

On a different note, I met with my Exercise Physiologist this past week.  We have added some strength training exercises that I can do at home to my "workout routine". They use my own body weight so I don't need anything special.  I can also go to the gym and use the machines if I want to and get the same workout just to change it up a bit.  I also met with the dietitian this week.  So now I have all my tools to get started.  I have no excuses at all!  I am going to make up a meal plan and exercise plan and follow it!  My goals are going to be little to start...10% at a time.  So Monday starts my new lifestyle.  Hope I can do it.  I just have to keep remember WHY I AM DOING IT!!!  FOR THE CHANCE AT BEING A MOMMY!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Time for Relaxing and Unexpected Blessings

So, I just got back from a 4 day cruise. It was a girls getaway.  I got a lot of alone time with God and lots of time just to relax and not think about all the stresses in my life.  Of course the stresses crept in some...the infertility, the house drama, etc.  But it was a well deserved trip.  Now I am home and life has to resume.  Too much good food on the trip set me back a little on my weight loss so I have to be careful over the next week.  I have a Wedding to do this weekend so I will be busy but hopefully will get my exercise in. 

Today had a Blessing thrown my I wasn't expecting at all.  I have a cousin who is older than me.  She just became a grandmother for the 3rd time.  She told me today that she would be willing to carry and give birth to a child for me, if her doctor would clear her for it.  She still has cycles, she was divorced a few years ago and isn't with anyone right now and feels that this is something she would love to do for us if she is able.  I was totally shocked!  I have had people in the past tell me that they would be willing to carry a child for me but I have never truly believed them, but I know that J is very serious.  I think this is something that I have to seriously consider.  I will be praying about it for sure.  J also said something very interesting today that I have been thinking about.  We have been in the process of buying a house and the deal fell through last week only two days before closing, well, we decided we had enough and we are building a house...well, it was already started.....and we should be able to move in sometime in November.  Anyway, J said, "Maybe God has just been waiting for you to get your nest ready."  Something more to ponder on :D

Much to think about and be thankful for today.  God is so good and I know he has something wonderful planned for us.

Monday, September 27, 2010

What If ....A video from an Infertility Advocate

Here is a video from an Infertility Advocate called "What If".  There are many "What If's" in the world of Infertility.  I will throw my own what if in....what if I lose the weight I need to and I still don't get pregnant.  What if I keep trying to get pregnant and then when we decide it is time to move on to adoption they tell me I'm too old?  I could go on and on.....

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What We Would Give to Be Moms

So when I lived in Montgomery, I visited two different infertility support groups.  I thought they would help but I never felt very comfortable going.  It just wasn't like expected. I really enjoyed the ladies that were a part of the group but maybe at the time I wasn't really ready to take on my infertility as much as I thought I was.  I don't know.  Anyway, I still keep up with many of the ladies and get prayer requests from them via email.  Today I got an email from one of the groups.  There is a think going around Facebook about Mothers.  People post it in their status.  Here it is......

"To all the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon haircuts for pony tails, long showers for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and wouldn't change a thing. Lets see how many moms post this. Moms who don't care about whatever they gave up and instead LOVE what they got in return. Post this if you love your life as a Mother."

For those of us who struggle to become moms, reading this can be hard.  We would give anything for this simple paragraph to pertain to us.....but for so many of us it still doesn't.  So one of the ladies of the Infertility support group came up with her own version of this in honor of those of us who still struggle on our path to Motherhood.  Here is her version......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who traded flat stomachs for bruised and bloated ones, romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a refrigerator full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches and hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, and wouldn’t change a thing… because every one of these trade offs is a CHANCE at Motherhood. Woman who don’t care about whatever they gave up and instead risk everything for the hope of something wonderful in return. Post THIS if you’d do anything to become a Mother."

This version was too long to post in my status on Facebook plus me being a Plus Size Mommy-in-Waiting, the "flat stomach for bruised and bloated ones" just didn't fit for me either so I took A's version and tweaked it a little to fit me as well as the FB status field.  Here is my version of this......

"To all the heartbroken women out there who have traded romantic nights with their husbands for costly inseminations, designer bags for a bathroom full of medicine, healthy bodies for headaches & hot flashes, their privacy for a chance at adoption, & wouldn’t change a thing. Woman who don’t care about what they gave up & instead PRAY and HOPE for a chance at MOTHERHOOD! Post THIS if you’d do anything to be a MOTHER!"

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Catching up

So much has happened since I blogged last.  Right after Mother's Day my friend Robyn, who was battling breast cancer, lost her battle.  She is now an angel watching over us all.  Her funeral was sereal.  Her babies and hubby miss her and her mom is lost without her.  I can't imagine what they are all going through.  I pray for this family each day.  I pray that a cure is found so that someday those little girls won't have to worry that they might suffer the same fate as their mom.  Little MM and MC may the Lord watch over you and proctect you both!

In June my DH and I made our big move to Florida, compliments of the United States Air Force.  Florida is nice and besides the drama that we have had surround our purchase of a home, we are liking the area.  I will be glad when we are finally through with closing on the house so I can paint and make it ours.  It just doesn't feel like home yet, but it will.  I know it will.

As far as the TTCing goes. We are on a break because of the move.  I turned 38 last month and I guess it really hit me that I really am running out of time.  Especially after my 20th High School Class Reunion this summer also.  So I am taking the next step on this journey....a big on for me.  I made an appointment with the HAWC...the Health and Wellness Center.  I met with an Exercise Physiologist.  She asked me why I wanted the help in losing weight and I told her because more than anything I want to be a mom and to reach that goal I have to lose weight.  She gave me a prescription for 30 minutes of exercise a day for the next 3 weeks.  I am to start off exercising 10 mins 3 times a day.  If that is to easy then I do it 2 times a day for 15 mins each, then move on to 30 mins once a day.  I also went in for a BodPod assessment.  If you have never had this done then look it up.  It is really cool.  It took less than a minute.  They were able to tell me what percentage of my body is fat and what my resting metabolic rate is.  Let's just say...I have a long way to go, but I'm going to start with small goals at a time.  So my first goal is 10% of my body weight.  So I will keep my progress posted.

So that is where I am right now. A new city, a new house, looking for a new doc and starting a new journey with my weight loss.  I'm looking forward to what the future holds for the first time in a very long time!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day

For a woman who experiences the pain of infertility, Mother's Day can be a pretty sad occasion.  Instead of counting years I have been trying to conceive I count how many Mother's Days I have gone childless...if you count the years I tried with my ex-husband I am on 14 now.  That includes the years that I was single, cause although I was single I still longed for that child and grieved for the children that I didn't have with my ex. 

Yesterday was overall a pretty good day, if you don't count that fact that I got wished Happy Mother's Day by people in my own family who know I'm not a mom.  Maybe they did it because I am a Step-mom.  Who knows.  My mother always acknowledges me on Mother's Day but she always has to add the "Step" in the card....I guess to make me feel better.When my mother-in-law was alive she always wished my Happy Mother's day but would say...Because you are a second mom  to "B",  my stepson.  I only had one stranger wish me a Happy Mother's Day and that was in a restaurant on I lucked up there. I hate it when people just assume you are a mother! I skipped church yesterday because of the usually Mother's Day stuff and all the kids there with their moms. Just couldn't take it this year.  I did however read several great wishes from friends online this year that have been where I am now, but were celebrating their first Mother's Day.  They made sure and acknowledged those of us still waiting for our little miracles.  One day (sigh)....   My hubby, for the second year in a row has bought me a single rose...this year it was a red one.  He doesn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day, he just gives it to me and tells me that he loves me.  That is all I need and I feel better, because I think he finally understands what I go through emotionally.

So brings me to the sad part of Mother's Day.  I have a High School friend who is losing her battle with Metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  On Saturday, Mother's Day Eve, an organization called "Let There Be Mom" came to Birmingham, Alabama (where Robyn lives) from South Carolina.  They help families preserve the memory of a parent who is losing their battle to a disease.  They spent the whole day with the family, and although I do not know what they did, I'm sure they did a great job and there will be much for her two young daughters to hold on to as they grow up with their mom in Heaven.  Anyway, yesterday, which was Mother's Day, should have been a happy time for the family.  Spending what might be Robyn's last Mother's Day together, however she had to taken to the hospital and was admitted.  As of this morning the family was told that is was only a matter of days before she closes her eyes one final time. Next year the girls will not have their mommy to celebrate with...but they will have their grandmother.  Robyn's mother was with her yesterday, for that I am thankful.  As a mother, I'm glad Ms. S has a final Mother's Day memory with her only daughter, although it isn't a very happy least they were together.  So as I have been contemplating Mother's Day and all it encompasses, I think things could be worse.  I cannot imagine what my friend and her family are going through right now, and feel somewhat selfish that I had my "Oh Woe Is Me Pity Party" yesterday.  I thankfully still have my mom and she still has me.  So if you are reading this, take the time to Thank our Father above for the time you have with your mom and if you are a mom with your children.  Never let anyone doubt what you felt about them. And if you are feeling really down and low about something going on in your life, just remember there are worse thing out there happening to people who really don't deserve it. 

Please pray for my friend Robyn, her husband, her two young daughters, her mother, her brothers and all of her other family and friends as they say goodbye and watch another ANGEL get her WINGS!  We love you Robyn!  Because I knew you....I have been changed for Good!  Thanks for letting me call you my friend.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Cysts and Babies

So last week I was having terrible pain in my lower abdomen.  So I went into the doc and they did an ultrasound.  I had what looked like the remainder of a cyst on my right ovary and had a pretty big one on the left one too.  The one of the left was a corpus luteum cyst...or at least that is what they think it was since I was unable to go in for my trigger shot, follow up ultrasound to the one at the beginning of this cycle and didn't get the IUI done.  So I really messed up with this cycle.  Anyway, they did blood work and the PG test they did at that time was BFN...of course.  So now it is a waiting game to see if AF is going to start on her own. 

Last week I also dealt with some jealousy and longing that I haven't had in a while.  I went with my DH to buy a baby shower gift for a guy he works with and I had a little anxiety over it.  Sometimes it doesn't bother when I am shopping for my niece that is expecting and my friend who is expecting her first baby.  I LOVE SHOPPING FOR THEM!  But other people, I have a difficult time with.  I have another family member that is expecting her second baby but with her I'm having trouble with too, because well, that is a long story.  Then my DH tells me tonight that the daughter of a friend of ours is expecting tact, just says it. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!  GIVE ME AN F'in BREAK!!!  Mother's day is less than a week away...I DON"T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP!!!  This is a girl that I have know since she was like 14 who got pregnant at 16 married at 18 and is now having her 3rd kid!  I HATE THIS!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

On the Rollercoaster again

It has been over a year since my last post and much has happened.  I am going to be making an effort to post more frequently, mostly because I need an outlet for this crazy thing I call my life, but also so I can update anyone who used to follow me or begins to follow my story now.

Last March, I went to work out of town so we took a long break from our TTCing.  I worked down in Orange Beach, Alabama for my old boss, teaching preschool.  Most days I spent my lunch break sitting at the beach in my car reading a book, or just listening to the music of the waves, people and seagulls.  Growing up on the Gulf, the beach is were I find my peace and serenity.  I stayed with my dad while I was down there.  It was nice getting to spend time with my dad but I really missed being home.  In reality I missed 7 months of married life because of this, but we needed the money.  My last week of work was Labor Day week.  We went out of town for the weekend and on Tuesday I headed back down to the coast for my last 4 days of work.  On the way down some kids pulled out in front of me and I t-boned them.  I was going 50mph when this happened so needless to say, my car was totalled and so was the kids.  He ended up with a broken hip and I ended up with major neck and shoulder issues.  We were due to start back with our fertility treatments in October so that got put on the back burner.  Since September I have been battling pain in my neck, shoulder, chest, upper back and left arm.  I have other issues but no one seems to be able to tell me if they are a direct result of the wreck....but until the then I never had trouble.  I won't go into too much detail about that because that might be TMI!

So here we are in April already.  We are in the middle of a cycle right now.  I am CD 21 and have been having pain in my lower right ovary area.  I did have the remnants of a cyst at the beginning of this cycle so I don't know if that is why or maybe we got lucky and it is implantation pain :D  I highly doubt it, but you never know.  We didn't do an IUI this month because we had to pay taxes with the money we thought we were going to have for the I have to call my doc and explain to him why we didn't do it.  But next month we are going to try another cycle, this time hopefully with clomid and follistim.  My weight is still an issue but I'm going to try very hard the next few weeks to get a little off.  With us moving I really want to do another cycle with Dr. Allemand.  I am really going to miss having him as my doc.  I am so worried that another doc won't be as sincere and concerned as he is and the staff at the Montgomery office is.  I HATE MOVING!!!  Damn the military!  Well, I will just have to pray for a good that will keep going the direction of the Doc. of my dreams!