I will start off on a positive note, I have lost 5 pounds towards my first 35 pound goal! And I completed the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk today in Memory of my friend Robyn and in honor of several others who have battled this horrible disease. 3 miles of walking and I didn't sit down once, which was an accomplishment for me, cause I'm a big girl :) I did good!
So the closer to the end of the year the more down in the dumps I get. Here it is the early morning of Halloween and where am I in my infertility journey? About 100 steps behind where I was a year ago! Or so it seems. First the wreck and then the move. I swore to myself I would not go another Christmas without being a mommy and here it is sneaking up on me and do I have a child to buy for, nope.
What is the point? Sometimes I so want to just throw in the towel and say I give up, I'm done. But then I remember how badly I want a child and I just can't give up yet. My desire to be a mom is so great I just don't know what to do with this energy that I have bottled up inside of me! I have no outlet for it! Right now I am packing and getting ready for our move into the new house. That is taking a lot of my time, but it also gives me more time to think that I care for. I'd rather just crawl under the covers and stay in bed until it all just magically all goes away! Can I do that please? Is there someone who can make that happen? Does someone have a magic lamp I can wish one or a genie I can use a wish up on?
I know God must be tired of hearing my prayers over and over. They always turn out the same so lately I've just been say, "Ok God, you know the prayer, so can you help a sister out please?" I just don't know what to pray anymore. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MORE FAITH AND TRUST GOD & HIS TIMING BUT IT HURTS AND I DON"T HAVE THE STRENGTH SOME DAYS TO FIGHT!!! WHY is it so difficult? WHY???