Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Joys and Sorrows Part 2

So December 17th was the happiest day of my life to date...or should have been.  I finally had a little miracle nestled in my body, peacefully growing.  DH and I decided that we would tell our family on Christmas Day about our little surprise and we decided how we were going to do it. For my mom I found a candle holder that said Grandmother, for my dad we got a bib that said "I love Grandpa" and for my DSS we were going to get a t-shirt airbrushed that said "I'm The Big Brother"....kinda hard to find an adult extra large that says that. For my in-laws we were thinking of ways to call them and tell them.  The weekend went fine and come Monday I went back to work at the daycare where I sub some. Monday night I started having some light brown spotting, with a few little flecks of red, but it wasn't heavy and I wasn't cramping.  Everything I read said that this was normal in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

Tuesday, December 21st, I was still spotting some so I called the nurse and she said it was normal but to try to take it easy.  I told my boss and I took it easy the rest of the day.  Sat as much as I could, didn't lift anything or any kids.  I did as little as possible.  I left work and by the time I got home to my mom and dads...where I was staying....the spotting was worse and I was starting to cramp some.  My DH was already on his way over so we could tell my parents and his son.  Then we were going to call the doc and see what we needed to do. 

We got to my parent's house at the same time.  We went in and gave my mom and dad and my DSS their "early Christmas gifts".  This was not how I wanted to tell them...I wanted to tell them on Christmas day and let them know that everything was fine.  My dad was the first one to figure it out I think.  It took my mom seeing the bib to actually register what her gift meant and my DSS just grinned cause he is 15 and has wanted this for the last 7 years. After the excitement of the news we had to let them know that they didn't need to be too excited because I was spotting and cramping and that is why we went ahead and told them cause I might have to go to the ER. 

I then called the on call doc and the nurse practitioner on duty told me to go on into the ER due to my history of infertility. Before we left the house I was actually starting to bleed, not just spot, but it still wasn't bad.  They checked me in pretty quickly.  The nurses and the doc were really nice.  They listened as we explained our history of infertility and how we got to this miraculous pregnancy.  We also talked about the RH factor and how my DH and I are opposite blood types and how I have wondered about a couple of my cycles in the past and how I thought maybe they had been miscarriages but they were never confirmed.  I got sent off for an ultrasound, which was painfully and made me bleed more cause it irritated my cervix....but I also think it helped bring on the miscarriage also, if that makes sense.  Before the ultrasound I wasn't cramping much at all and bleeding very little and after it all went down hill.  Anyway, they came and took blood, gave me a pain pill and I just waited on the doc to come back.  He came back and told me basically what in my heart I already knew.  There was no sac visible in the ultrasound which meant I was either not as far along as I thought I was or it was a non-viable pregnancy.  My HCG numbers were really low for where they should have been at 7w2d also, they were at 3 week levels. So he gave me the option of being admitted or going home and checking with my doc the next day and having my HCG checked again.  He also gave me the option of getting my shot of Rhogam that night or waiting until I saw my doc. I told him we would just go home and follow up with my doc the next day on both accounts.

When I got up to get dressed I was bleeding heavily and I knew it was over.  The nurse got me a pad and I went in the bathroom across the hall and cleaned up and got dressed.  I didn't cry until I got back to the room with DH.  I told him it was over for sure, I just knew it was.  As we were leaving the hospital I saw someone I have known since childhood out in the waiting room.  She was someone I never expected to see there, but was an odd source of comfort at that very moment.  She asked what was wrong and I told her.  She hugged me and told me it would be ok and that she would pray for me. She let me cry on her shoulder and that meant more than she will ever know. 

We drove back to my mom and dad's house.  The whole way I felt numb. When we got back there we got ready to bring me back home.  I went to the bathroom before leaving and realized that I had passed a large mass of tissue.  I don't know how else to describe it and I'm sorry if that is too graphic for anyone reading this. It wasn't a clot.  All I could do was look at it and think, "Is this my baby that I'm about to flush down the toilet?".  I got so upset, but with my parents and stepson in the next room I couldn't do what I wanted to do that was scream!  I tried to get DH to look and see what he thought but he wouldn't look, so I said a prayer and that was that.  I flushed my child down the toilet like you flush a dead fish....or at least that is how I feel about it!  I HATE THAT I HAD TO DO THAT!!!!!!  I'm SAD that I had to do that!  It breaks my heart.

Anyway, the next day I went into see the nurse.  They rechecked my HCG level, it had gone down to 368 from 1170 the night before, and they gave me the shot of Rhogam to help in case there was any blood exchange with this pregnancy.  I have to go back once a week until my HCG level is below 5.  They didn't say anything about a DNC or how long I would bleed or how long it would take for my body to complete the miscarriage.  I feel a little lost and uneducated where that is concerned.  They also didn't tell me if I need to have an exam a few weeks after the miscarriage but things I have read online say that I should.  So I have lots to ask tomorrow when I talk to the nurse.  I went today for my follow-up HCG but will find out the result tomorrow. 

Emotionally I am doing ok.  I will heal but it will take time.  I have to mourn and grieve for my child, because even though I only knew about him or her for a few days it was still a part of me and my DH.  Christmas was hard for me because it was supposed to be such a day of happiness when we shared our little miracle with all of our family and friends that have been on this Infertility Journey with us.  Everyone keeps telling me to look at the bright side, at least I know I can get pregnant now.  I know that is a positive, but it doesn't give me my baby back.

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