Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Joys and Sorrows Part 1

I am going to have to do this in a couple of parts because I know I will never be able to catch up all my thoughts and my goings on in one sit down and blog session.  Too much has happened, so I'll do what I can tonight and then do the rest tomorrow...or should I say, later today. 

Two weeks before Thanksgiving my DH and I closed on our first home and one week before Thanksgiving moved in.  With the help of my wonderful mother I was able to host a small group of people from DH's class on base for Thanksgiving, since they didn't have anywhere else to go.  I was happy to help and enjoyed the day immensely!  Slowly but surely our house is coming together and we are settling in. Finally I am feeling settled and I feel like I am "Home".

During this time however I have really dreaded the end of the year.  Thanksgiving means that Christmas is not far behind and then the New year which means another year has started with me not being a mother.  My self imposed pity party started fairly early....reference my two previous posts.  I just dread the end of the year because I look back and think, "What have I accomplished?  NOTHING!"

With the end of this year came not only my self pity and depressing thoughts of how I wasn't a mother yet, but two baby showers....one of which I found out at the last minute wasn't just for one person, but was for 3 people!  Yep, 3 pregnant people at the same time and I was expected to go and put on a happy face and enjoy myself!  Oh and did I mention that I was supposed to make the cake for this baby shower?  I volunteered to make the cake when it was supposed to be for just the one person I knew, then they threw in the other 2 people and didn't even bother to offer to pay me for the cake....hmmm, how rude!  This was preceded by a shower for a close friend of mine who told me last May that they were thinking about trying to get pregnant again and she got pregnant the first time out.  I love her to death but envy her more than she will ever know.  I just couldn't go to her shower either, no matter how hard I tried.  My heart and mind couldn't stand up to the task or the test of going.  I felt very guilty but I had to do it as a self preservation tactic.

In the midst of all this I continued to think of how depressing it was that another Christmas was coming and I wasn't expecting or I didn't have a child.  My DH and I actually started talking about looking into Foster care and adoption after the first of the year.  I had even found a little girl who is 6 who needs a home that we were considering fostering and/or adopting possibly. 

But then on December 17th we got thrown a curve ball.  For a couple of weeks I had been thinking my cycle was going to start.  My breasts had been a little tender and I had spotted some, but AF never showed.  Something just told me to POAS so I did and SURPRISE!  I got a BFP!!!  The first one I have ever gotten!!  I was in total shock.  The plus sign popped up very quickly.  I stared at it in disbelief!  I thought to myself...I have a digital.  Gotta get the digital.  So I got up, got it and tested again.  That was the longest 30 seconds of my life but the word I longed to see show up did, "Pregnant".  I broke out into hysterics.  My DH thought I was having a panic attack and rushed into the bathroom.  I just shoved both tests in his face.  He looks at them and says, "Well, how did that happen?"  LOL  How did it happen?  Really?  That is all you can ask?  We have not worked with a doc since February or March really and it happens naturally when we least expect it.  Next thing DH says is, "Well, I guess you really have to get a job now." Not what you really want to hear after trying to get pregnant for 5 years.  If I could have killed him right then and there I would have.  That hurt me more than he will ever know.  The total joy of the moment left me and I felt sadness that I was carrying this child inside me.  HOW COULD I BE SAD??????  BUT I WAS!!!  AND I FELT HORRIBLE ALL BECAUSE OF MY INSENSITIVE HUSBAND!!!!!  What the hell was I supposed to feel now?!

I called the clinic and found out what I was supposed to do, then I called my cousin because I needed to talk to someone.  The rest of the day was surreal and happened almost in slow motion.  It should have been a day of joy and happiness yet I couldn't be happy because all I could think about was what my DH had said about me getting a job.  We eventually talked about it and he apologized for saying what he did but the damage was already done.  Can't take back the moment of finding out you are expecting your first child and how you react to it.  wish you could but you can't.  Anyway, we managed to find some happiness and we were cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy after it was confirmed and we were given the EDD of Aug. 7, 2011.  However our joy was short lived.....

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