Time sure flies

Well, here I am again.....taking months to post another blog. Not much has changed in the Fertility front. We have an appointment with our doc on December 17th. I don't know what will happen but hopefully we will try at least another month or two on pills before we move to injections. I'm still working on the weight loss but that has pretty much come to a stand still. I don't know why if I want a child so badly I just can't get myself in gear and lose some weight....you would think having a child would be the motivation that I need! I am very much "Self Sabotaging" in that way. As my hubby so smartly discovered and then pointed out, as long as i don't lose the weight I at least have "it" to blame for not being able to TTC. BUT if I lose weight and I still don't get pregnant then there is only one thing to blame....well, not a thing, but "ME"!!! He truly hit the nail on the head with that one. You would think going to school to be a counselor would keep me from having these issues, but I do! Sometimes it makes me second guess my career direction because of all the trouble I'm having. UGH!! What do I do???!!!

So anyway, life goes on and as we fastly approach our one year mark of working with our new RE I have to try to keep my chin up in regards to our TTCing....I figured by now I would be expecting yet here we are again at another Christmas with no little one of our own. Please pray for me as I struggle with this during the holidays. I really don't feel like celebrating and dread trying to put on a cheerful happy face...but that is one thing I'm very good at. I'll bring out my "Christmas Facade" very soon for every one's sake but my own.

Anyway, time keeps chugging along. It has been a year since my MIL passed away. We have had a very somber week here at the house. Yesterday was a year ago that we buried her. Steve and his sibs have talked several times this week and my MIL's best friend/cousin sent us flowers on Monday to let us know she was thinking about us. That was very hard but it was sweet of her to think of us.


Sorry I don't want to bring everyone down. I'm just having a pity party tonight. I do hope everyone has a great holiday. Merry Christmas and Happy New year! May the new year bring everyone wonderful things.

It has been a while since I blogged. We have been on a break so that I could get some more weight off.....well, that isn't really happening the way we hoped. It is taking a lot longer. My DH thinks he figured it out and I think he is right. As long I haven't lost the weight, the weight can be the reason I don't get pregnant BUT if I lose the weight and I still don't get pregnant then it is my fault I'm not getting pregnant. And guess what? That is exactly how I feel! If I can blame it on something else I'm better than if it is ME! Does that make sense?

Anyway, a month ago I wrote to one of the local TV news reporters on our local NBC station and suggested a story be done on Infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. Then I didn't think about it anymore. Then I got an email from one of the producers and they wanted to do the story but it would have to be after "the" week.....and they wanted me to be a part of it. So we finally set it up.

Monday is the day that I will be on WSFA's Alabama Live discussing infertility. I hope I do well. I'm sure I will. I'm going to memorize some facts this weekend about infertility and PCOS so that I can be prepared just in case Kim asks me. I emailed her my story today. Below is a copy of what I wrote. i did this so she would know my story ahead of time and would be able to pull questions from my experience to ask me. I just hope I don't get so nervous that I freeze. Anyway, here is my story...short and sweet.

My Story:

In 1995 at the age of 23, while married to my ex husband, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which causes me not to ovulate and have regular cycles. I basically was told to lose weight and then I would get pregnant. That didn't happen. We divorced in 1998. I met my new husband in 2002 and we married in 2004. We knew from the beginning that it would take a while for us to get pregnant but treatments had changed dramatically between the six years I had divorced and remarried, so we had hope and still do.

We began trying to conceive in August 2005. We were referred to a fertility doctor in Birmingham by my doctor on base. After almost a year of trying and 3 failed Intrauterine Insemination's or IUI's we decided to take a break. Our break lasted a year. Then last fall, while in the Galleria in Birmingham I saw an advertisement for the ART Fertility Program of Alabama. I wrote the phone number down and then called them to see if they accepted my insurance, which they did. The receptionist gave me the web address and I scoured the site to find out everything I could about them. There were two things that drew my husband and I to this fertility program; the fact that there was a satellite office in Montgomery so we wouldn't have to drive back and forth to Birmingham all the time AND one of the doctors had published research on diagnosis and fertility treatment of polycystic ovarian syndrome in the journal Fertility and Sterility. I knew right then and there I had found my doctor!

In February of this year we began our treatments with Dr. Allemand at the ART Fertility Program which is based out of Brookwood Medical Center in Birmingham. Although we have yet to have a successful outcome, we continue to have hope and Dr. Allemand is very encouraging. We have received wonderful treatment from the staff at the office here in Montgomery as well as the main office in Birmingham. We meet with Dr. Allemand via Video Conference to discuss our treatments, which keeps my husband from having to take off work to go to Birmingham. The convenience of having ART in town relieves part of the stress that accompanies the fertility treatment process and I wouldn't trade these doctors and nurses for anything in the world. This time around we have had two IUI's and two failed cycles. Currently I'm preparing for the next step in medications which will be injectables. To reduce my chance of multiples I have a goal weight I'm trying to achieve so that my dosage will not have to be as high. My doctor is confident that we will be able to achieve a pregnancy, it is just a matter of getting to my goal weight and going from there.

Besides the actual trying to conceive there is the emotional side of everything. I have always known that I would be a mom but no one ever told me the journey to get there would be this difficult. As a woman I feel out of sync with the rest of the world sometimes. How I deal with this emotional rollarcoaster changes day to day. If it is not the medications that are loaded with hormones affecting my mood then it is the depression that plagues me. Sometimes I find it hard to be happy for the people I love when they have children, yet I put on a happy face for their sake and then I grieve in private for the one thing that I want the most, "MY CHILD". I truly want to be happy for those around me that have children it is just that some days it is hard when it seems everyone is pregnant except for me. The one thing that helps me through is my faith in God, although I sometimes even struggle with this. That is why I sought out a local support group to help me through some of this emotional and spiritual struggle that I go through with the infertility issues. Knowing there is someone that totally understands where I am helps get me through all of this. And as some of my online friends say, "It does not matter how many children I have, I will always know the pain of Infertility." Whether I become a mom by conceiving and giving birth to my own child or adopting a child, I will be a mom one day. We just aren't ready to give up on our fertility treatments yet. When the time comes we will know and although it will be tough, at least we will know that we did everything we could.

A trend on TLC's Baby shows

So the past two days I've not been feeling the greatest. I have been watching a lot of TV and not just my soap operas that I've gotten back into since being unemployed. Yesterday I found myself watching "Bringing Home Baby", the show on TLC. The couple they were following had TTC for years and after 6 failed artificial inseminations and 4 IVF cycles, they became pregnant. I cried as I watched the show because I know what it is like to want something as much as they wanted their daughter!

THEN today I was watching "A Baby Story" and the couple was pregnant with twins....they already had a 5 year old and 2 year old. As the show progressed the mom starts talking about how she has PCOS and the only way she has ever been able to get pregnant was by taking Clomid....that is how all of the children were conceived. She said that her doc always warned her there was a chance for twins but she never let it worry her. Then with the last pregnancy she conceived twins. They ended up being a boy and girl. Of course I cried during this one too.

After that show went off, "Bringing Home Baby" came on. I ended up watching both shows because they both followed couples dealing with infertility! Go figure! The first couple had a set of twins that were conceived through IVF, but were surprised when the wife got pregnant with no medical assistance with the new baby. That was a wonderful and encouraging story to hear. The second couple has also dealt with years of infertility and then finally conceived through IVF. They brought home beautiful baby girls. I really bawled my eyes out during this one because the wife got emotional talking about how everyone had waited so long for the girls.

I so want to be one of these couples!!!! I pray for the day that my time arrives. Seeing these stories though, especially the one with the lady who has PCOS, truly gives me hope and keeps me looking to the end of this journey. Although, this journey will never really end, because infertility will always be a part of me!

Another sign in front of a random church

Every once in a while I pass a church that has a sign out front that says something very profound. It is amazing how sometimes what is said is so fitting for the mood I'm in or my situation at the time. Today's sign said, "Patience is Trusting in God's Timing". WOW! I read this coming out of a job interview. This job has sounded very promising when I read the add for it, but once I found out what the job was, well, not so much what it is but the hours, I knew I couldn't take it if I were offered it. It is working with young girls with self injurious behaviors, in a transitional group home. After this placement they will go into a foster home. The job would be a wonderful opportunity to work with a group that I haven't worked with in the past, but the hours would keep me from having any time with my DH! We are just getting back to where we need to be in our relationship, so I don't want to jeopardize that. So I will take the words posted on that church sign today and "TRUST IN GOD'S TIMING" not only in the area of a job, but in going back to school and TTCing. It is amazing how one simple sentence can help you face another day with peace and patience!

93 degrees is not always the same!

My hubby and I just got home from our vacation in North Dakota with his family. While we were there we experienced some warm days and some cool days......waking up to 50 degree weather and at the most getting up to 93 degrees with most days being in the mid 80's. One day the temp was 93 degrees and the following day the high was 73, it was just WONDERFUL!

In North Dakota, 93 degrees is nothing like what that would feel like here at home in Alabama. I was born and raised in south Alabama, so I should be used to the heat and humidity. Well, I'm here to tell you....after two weeks of literally NO HUMIDITY.....there is not and will never be anything like Alabama in the summer. The 93 degrees we felt in North Dakota was BEAUTIFUL! It was a gorgeous day with a breeze blowing and although the temp was 93, you didn't sweat, AT ALL!!! The day after we came home to Alabama, it was 93 degrees.....it was HUMID, HOT and I WAS SWEATY!!! I want the North Dakota weather back!

More curve balls

Well life has just thrown me another curve ball. Last night my DH was on Myspace and noticed that my cousin's page name was "I'm going to be a Mommy!!!!!". He asked me if I had seen it and I said no. At first I thought maybe it was a joke from April 1st that she just forgot to change. We looked at her comments and someone asked her about it. So we were nosey and looked at that person's page and sure enough, my cousin confirmed she is going to be a mommy. I called my mom this morning and asked her about it and she said it was true. My aunt called her Saturday to let her know and mom told her not to tell me because of my state of mind right now. My mom said that my aunt thought I should be told sooner rather than later because the older sister is getting married in September and she didn't want me to find out when I see her walking down the aisle, as her sister's Maid of honor, with a big belly.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE THINK I CAN'T TAKE SOMETHING!!! LIKE I'M EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE AND WILL TOTALLY HAVE A BREAK DOWN OR SOMETHING WHEN HEARING ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!!!!

What I hate more is finding out that is was an accident! My cousin is on the pill and basically had a one night stand with a guy that was about to leave for Iraq. Why for some does it take one time....and happens even though birth control is used.?????? This makes my aunt's second great-grandbaby conceived the same way....this cousin is really a second cousin. Her mom and dad are shocked that she would get pregnant since she is the one usually with a good head on her shoulders. And this boy that knocked her up, well, he doesn't believe that the baby is his and is sending very hateful email to my cousin.

I'm just so tired of it being everyone else but me!! Since DH and I have been TTC I have had 2 nieces (both 17 at the time), 2 nephews (one married, one not married), and 6 cousins(one of which had 2 babies 10 months apart, and all unmarried at the time of conception except for one) have babies. Now this 21 year old unmarried cousin and my 16 year old niece get pregnant. Not to mention my two sisters-in-law have each had a baby and now one is expecting again. That is a total of 16 babies in my family in 3 years time. Not to mention all the people I just know that have had babies. UGGG!!!! I'm just really having a pity party right now.

I know my time will come but it doesn't make this any easier!!!

Update on Video Conference

My doc is happy with they way our last cycle went except that my lining was a little thin. He put me on Estrace to help thicken it up. We are going to do Femara again this month and IUI. The day after I will start on 400mg of progesterone. He is happy with my 10pound weight lose so far. I have 20 pounds to go before he will even consider putting me on injections. Until then, we will continue doing this new "cocktail" of Metformin, Femara, Estrace and Progesterone. He wants us to be doing something while I'm losing the weight I need to and who knows, with the weight loss, something might just work and I won't have to do injections or IVF!!! That would be nice! Anyway, so that is where I'm at right now.

Video conference

I didn't blog before now because I have had a headache all weekend. AF showed today, with a vengeance! So we are officially on to another cycle. Thursday I called and scheduled our video conference with our RE but they couldn't get us in until April 30th. UGGG!!! However they put us on the cancellation list. In the mean time I called and spoke with the nurses about this cycle and they went ahead and called in a refill for my Femara and progesterone. Then Friday the RE office called and there was a cancellation for Monday. So we go in tomorrow morning at 8:30 for our video conference. Now I have to be honest and tell him that I lost a few more pounds but I have been BAD at exercising the past 3 weeks. I know we will probably be doing the same as last month, Femara, IUI and progesterone. His philosophy is we should be doing something while I'm losing weight, so I know he isn't going to say no, we don't need to do anything this month. Anyway, I really have to buckle down this next month and get some weight off. I'm starting on my nutrisystem again in the morning....so that with exercise is going to be my focus for the next couple months. Wish me luck and send any encouragement you can spare my way please!!!!

Another month, another negative!

We got a BFN yesterday. I was not all that surprised of the result, but I had truly hoped that it would be positive this time. I get so tired of seeing one line and hearing the words, "I'm sorry but your results were negative. " WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN??????? Also in the back of my mind were the psychic predictions.....all three were basically the same, March or April. Well, one was March to May, but I guess I wanted to believe and hope that they would be right and my March-April cycle would be it. Oh, well, I'll move on to the next cycle. Every month gets us closer to the end result. Now I have to get over the hurdle of my weight.

I have lost about 9 of the 30 pounds I need to lose for us to be able to move on to injections. Then we have to decide if we are going to even do them or if we just want to move on to IVF. DH is afraid that if we do injections with IUI that we will end up with a litter instead of one or two babies. He feels better about doing IVF so that we can have "some" kind of control over how many there "may" be. I don't know what I want to do next. I'm willing to go as far as I need to but which step do we take next? I'm so confused and just completely at a loss! I've never been at this point before. After our second failed IUI last time we took a break......which ended up being a year long break. So here I find myself in new territory. And so my journey continues.

Medication and exhaustion

I went in for bloodwork yesterday to check my progesterone. It was only 14.7 so they increased my dosage to 200mg twice daily. Anyway, now my stomach doesn't feel well and I have been extremely exhausted all day long. It makes me wonder if it is the medication OR if it is something else.....like my little angel trying to make an appearance finally! I have 6 days left before I find out. Hope I can wait that long and not go crazy in the mean time!!!

IUI #4

So on Thursday we had our 4th IUI. It went pretty well, and now the wait begins. We went to Atlanta this weekend for the Barry Manilow concert so I stayed pretty busy and haven't had much time to dwell on what "might" be going on in my belly! I keep thinking of all the people who don't want to get pregnant and do, and about the ones that are pregnant and don't know it and here I sit waiting and wondering almost every hour of every day about what is going on inside my body. My doc had me start my progesterone the day after the IUI this time. He wants to give my body a head start just in case....so I hope that helps.

Something that is really weird about this cycle though is I'm having very weird and vivid dreams. They are not like they were last month. This time they are more like reliving my past through my dreams. Last month they were horrible, gory dreams. I wonder what that is all about. Maybe it is just my mind trying to find an outlet. Who knows.

On to a second cycle

Well, I haven't posted since my very first one....it has been quite a month. Our IUI was unsuccessful last month. Kinda disappointing however, I really didn't think it had worked....but I remained hopeful. Well, our doc started me on a new medication, Femara. I took it CD 5-7 and now it is CD 12. I have to do an OPK tonight and hopefully we will have another IUI in a few days. So, we will see what happens this time.

the beginning

Well, this is the first entry for my new blog. I am hoping this blog will be the beginning of a new part of my life. So we shall see. My hubby and I are awaiting the results of our first IUI...we find out Monday if it worked. So maybe this will turn into a way to journal a pregnancy.....it will of course be a journal of my life.